Need Support Again. Feeling Bad About Me
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| Tue, 11-06-2007 - 7:38pm |
OK guys.
For days now I've been feeling good. I only think about my ex a little bit each day. It's been a little over a month and a half since he left the relationship. Besides a logistical e-mail very early on, I haven't had contact with him in that period. I don't want to have contact with him. I don't think he did anything wrong by leaving the relationship--in fact, I think he did the best thing he could do for him by leaving--but I am nonetheless very hurt by it and am recognizing it and trying my best to take care of myself. One way I take care of myself is by avoiding him like the plague.
So, I was working on a community volunteer thing tonight, and I heard his name tossed around a bit. I finally asked the woman in charge (a mutual friend who is much closer to him) if he was coming by, and she indicated he would stop by later. I said I might take off, as I didn't want to see him. She was surprised. Apparantly when she left a message asking him to come down she mentioned I would be here thinking that was a good thing because she didn't even know we had broken up. Wierd, but whatever. I have told as many people as possible so they would help keep us away from one another for a while, but it's inevitable that eventually we will have to see each other (the very idea makes me ill to my stomach).
I tried to hang with doing my work in a closed room but I started to lose it and decided to leave. Now, there will be an after-party tonight. I want to attend, but not if he is there. It is just too painful for me at this stage. Iv'e given myself permission to be home taking care of myself at this point and will call someone later to see if he's about. If he's not, I might head out for the party. If he is, missing the party isn't the end of the world. Can you understand the feeling of wanting desperately to see him one second and never wanting to see him again the next, back-and-forth from minute to minute, second to second? That's what I feel. Do you think I'm a weenie wimp for taking the space I needed? I know it's been over a month but...it's just not enough time for me. I was in tears just knowing he might come down (although I doubt he will. We are truly two peas in a pod in some things). You know, I know it was right for me to leave. In the past, I would have stuck around. There may have even been a dramatic, tearful exit while or after he was there, designed to get his attention or get pity from those around. I know I predicted the tears that would come and decided that leaving the project now would be better than leaving it in tears later, or slowly going insane wondering if he was going to show up, etc. I know I made the right decision to leave. I'm sorry I'm not Superwoman. That's the best I can do.
I am feeling calmer now that I am safe in my home, and am thinking about the fear and pain I am experiencing. I'm tempted to distract myself from it, but I really think it would benefit me more to look closely at what is going on for me here.
First, there's me missing him. That's the easy part. Then, the root of the real muck I'm in now is that I feel bad about myself because I still harbor the belief that I was not good enough. He said himself it was about his issues and his feelings about himself and past relationships. I try to focus on that truth. But my old way is to point my finger at myself. This is my issue of low self-esteem. I know there just isn't an easy cure for that, and I work on it, and I accept that it takes time. This is where my fear of seeing him is born from. Right now the part of me that feels not good enough is stronger than the other part. My counselor says we revert to old thought patterns and behaviors when we are scared, and I was scared tonight! So...I feel bad about myself as a girlfriend. I feel like a no-good, sucky, crap, terrible, worthless girlfriend who was left. There's no way out of it at the moment, so I think it is best to accept that, at this moment, I feel crap about myself, and that I can tolerate it for a little while. I can tolerate feeling crap about myself. And the feeling will pass. I will feel better about myself later. I'm really not all that bad. I know that I often feel really good about myself. And I know that just knowing that is a big step for me.
So. I'm feeling sadness and fear tonight, arising from my issues of not being good enough. I'm gonna feel these feelings, but in the safety of my apartment. No more running.

Hugs and a couple thoughts...
To me, a month and a half seems like a blip--not enough time to recover from anything!
My lesson tonight-- when we feel suffering, it doesn't mean that something is wrong.
"Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of sh!t and not be squeamish about taking a good look. That's the compassionate thing to do. That's the brave thing to do. We could smell that piece of sh!t. We could feel it; what is its texture, color, and shape?
"We can explore the nature of that piece of sh!t. We can know the nature of dislike, shame, and embarassment and not believe there's something wrong with that. We can drop the fundamental hope that there is a better 'me' who will one day emerge. We can't just jump over ourselves as if we were not there. It's better to take a straight look at all our hopes and fears. The some kind of confidence in our basic sanity arises."
From _When Things Fall Apart_:
i'm in your shoes (we split about a month and a half ago because of "his issues") and so much of what you said resonates with me. i wish i had a solution to offer, but i'm feeling just as lost as you (and i'm super-sad this week, if that was even possible, because wednesday would've been our three-year anniversary).
just know you're not alone in all this!
i think it's a good idea for you to keep
I agree about the negative self-talk. I'm not talking about indulgence, but rather an...exploration of what I am feeling. An acknowledgement from a place of true understanding. I want to know it. And then gently let it go. To know and accept completely, though it seems a paradox, seems, for me, to be the way to lasting change and long-term relief.
I don't know why I think I should be ok about seeing him. There's no good reason. Thanks for saying it's ok.
Thanks for the message. I'm sorry you're going through this, too.
Three years...that's tough.
I just made it through what would have been our one-year anniversary last week myself. We went on the best date I have ever had in my life.
Tough stuff.
You are SO not alone. I feel your pain and would have done all the same stuff you are doing. I'm so thankful that my ex moved out of the state. In a way I feel kind of sad I will never run into him, but I know it's so much better for me. I can't even go to the same places we hung out becaue even though he would never be there it reminds me too much of the stuff we did together.
I found a new apartment because I was never crazy about the one I was living in, but I had planned to move to the same city with my ex this month, so i never looked before. Where I would normally be happy I found a better place to live, I feel a sense of anxiety because I'll know for sure then I have really accepted my circumstances and will not be living with my ex in the new city. It's like somehow still living in my old place had just a tiny piece of him there. I think, if he comes lookign for
"In a way I feel kind of sad I will never run into him, but I know it's so much better for me."
That's how I felt when I chose to leave tonight! Part of me wanted to stay, if just to hear his voice through the door. But...then I had to look at myself, trembling and insecure in the corner at just the thought he might come by, and I couldn't see how staying could help me in any way, shape or form. Of course, the fantasy of him coming to the door and saying, "I'm ok with those issues now. We can be together again." came up, but that's crap. Not only is it unlikely he would ever say that, but the depth of the insecurity I feel at the moment is a big clue to me that even if this great dream of mine were realized, I am in no shape to meet it. I'm in mourning. I have to go through this before love can bloom again. Anywhere.
I'm making my winter bed up right now, pulling out extra blankets and such, and actually making it. Making my bed is a rarity for me, but I need some care and loving right now, and that part of me that doesn't feel down on myself at the moment, but actually feels compassion for what I'm going through, thought this might give me a safe, warm, snuggly place to cry and sleep, and that might be just what I need right now.
Thanks for the post. It helps so much to feel like I am not alone or crazy.
OK....they think he's left the party. Of course, they could be wrong but...I'm going to risk it. It looks like there may be some big stuff to celebrate after all that work. I want to be a part of it. And if he is there I will leave immediately, and that is OK and I have a great, clean, freshly-made bed to come back to for a good sleep and cry if I have to.
Fine.
Fine.
Thanks, all. Wish me luck.
He was gone when I got to the party (which was awsome, post-election, and WE WON!!!). Whew!
It turns out he called to make sure I was gone and hung out there for a while, and then left. We seem to be equally avoidy but still engaging in our shared community. Good.