need to talk to someone-advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
need to talk to someone-advice
13
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 2:39pm

My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years, we have lived together for the past nine months. I come home yesterday and he has packed some of his stuff and left, no good bye or anything, Will not answer my phone call or email. I think what hurts so much is that he didn't atleast tell me he was leaving. I felt like something was up the past 3 weeks, that he was getting his ducks in a row so to speak, even gave him the opening to tell me he was leaving, this past weekend everything seemed to be going well he was very caring we had great weekend. He was excited about the job interview he had yesterday, i talked to him at 830 he told me about he interview and said he would see me soon, I go home and some of his stuff is gone. It was no more than 1hr since i had talked to him. I go from numb to sad to angry, at myself and him. Cant eat anything, slept maybe 2 hrs last night, it feels so empty with out him, it makes it harder because he left some of his stuff there, he just packed what he could get in his vehicle and moved to his parents. We also worked together, I got him the job so i have to deal with it a work also. Why can't I just be angry at him without the hurt part? I want to be ANgry at him, he did wrong, but i think im more angry with myself. I don't think i deserved the way he did it. Why would someone do that to someone else? Ive emailed him and asked him what to do with his last check, and the stuff he left at my house, no reply, I think of ways i can get back at him, but i don't know that that is worth it, I don't think it would make me feel better. Or should i just let it go? I sent a letter to his mom (they live 3 hrs away) explaining a couple of things he left, a table his father made him and a table he made back in highschool, and some yearbooks and stuff like that, if they were mine i would not want to lose them, the rest of the stuff has no sentimental value. If he would get in touch with me a tell me why he did it the way he did, that might help me but i don't know. I am so tired of crying and wondering what i did to be treated like that. I don't want to go home, i don't want to be at work. How can i get closure if he won't even talk to me?

any advice would be helpful

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 9:13am
Thank you all so much for the advice and just listening, it helps and I dont feel quite so alone. We broke up twice before and i got that in the form of a email the first time, the second time he let me go ahead and visit him and day 2 of that visit, he basically put the name and phone number of a girl he was getting close with at work, in front of me, then preceded to call her later that day and talked to her, and it wasn't in a business tone either. But we were back together within 1-2 months, and i know it is in the back of my head that that might happen this time. And if he does get the job he interviewed for here, he will be back in town. I need to find the strength to resist that thought. I am trying to tell myself everyday, I deserve better. I just wish these thoughts of revenge would quit popping in my head :(
I am so glad i found this board it really does help. I am not breaking down as often or for as long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 10:34am
I know the feeling of waking up alone and sad and hurt. I've been there. But I've realized that men don't react to emotions well. I would say that he's been meaning to leave for awhile, he just doesn't have the heart to tell you any other way. This is a very harsh way of doing it, but it will slowly dissipate. And in time, you will wake up one day and realize you really don't need him. We all hurt in the beginning. Its only human to do so. But you sound like a girl who has all her stuff together, and you need to realize you dont' need anyone bringing you down. Even though you may work together, just do your best to avoid him the way he's avoiding you. It may sound childish, but really its a defense mechanism to blot out the hurt. He's probably hurting too. He's just trying to not show it. You have to do the same. Like they say, out of sight, out of mind. You can do it. All women are strong.... A Strong Woman Is...One who feels deeply. And loves fiercly. Her tears flow just as abundandantly as her laughter... A Strong Woman Is... Both soft and powerful. She is both practical and spirited. A Strong Woman in her Essence is a Gift to the World... And all you have to do in life is go out with your friends, party hard, and look twice as good as the b**** standing next to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 11:45am
I have thought that also. The second time we broke up, we proceeded to drown our sorrows together in a 3L bottle of champagne and a bottle of wine, and i was strong until the last of the bottle, and he got to see me breakdown, needless to say it wasn't pretty, i didn't leave until the next day and we hugged each other when i left, i was still upset but it didn't seem as harsh. And he can tell by the tone of my voice if im upset about something. And always asked me what was wrong. So maybe it did affect him some, that doesn't excuse the way he did it, but in a way i can understand if he thought that way. We women tend to be emotional sometimes. and that is ok. But i did deserve better and that. I wouldn't have fallen in love with him in the first place if he was as unfeeling as it seems with the current situation. And on the one hand i want him to hurt some (i guess that would prove to me that it actually wasn't just one big sham), but the bigger part of me doesn't want him to hurt, i know that makes no sense:( I need to try and start thinking more about myself and not worry about what or how he is feeling, This self destructive thinking about what did i do wrong, is hard to shake, but i really do think this board is helping. There are some great points of view here.

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