Need to Vent!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Need to Vent!
13
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 10:03pm
I have to write again, I need someone to talk to, like everyone else here Im going crazy I want to keep in touch with my ex. I want to email him, call him, and the thought that I will never see him again is very real considering he is in EUROPE and Im here in Canada. I just feel like Im giving up on this, but really he has given up on me and us and this isnt the first time. So I just have to STOP. and keep reminding myself that I am too good for him, there is someone else out there for me. Its hard though when I devoted the past year to living with him and starting a life there. I moved there, a billion miles away and trusted in him. Now when I came back to see my sister have her baby, he called me and told me he couldnt go on. For what reason who knows? Nothing really logical that I can wrap my head around! Space and wants to be alone. So here I am back in Canada, which was suppose to be a holiday but now its permanant again. I have no job, my career will have to change, I will have to move back in with my parents, which isnt the end of the world since Im 24. My friends seemed to have all moved on, and I have to start my life over compelty. Its my fault I know but its hard, I just believed in love and making it work, but everyone says I tried too hard...But hey Im just a hopeless romantic is that bad? I wont let myself devote my life so completly to a man again, but it had been 7 years, i thought it was worth it! Everything was great when I was there, adding to the pain, we left on a good note. Romantic weekend away and a great dinner the night before I left. Hugs and kisses before I left. And it just kills me to think that was the last goodbye, I didnt even know it. But he decieved me, I have to remember that, maybe he knew it, even though he said he didnt. Now what to do all my things there, my life left there! How do I even manage to get them back here in Canada! It will cost a fortune. My ticket is still booked for the 25th of July! My boss thinks Im coming back to work then too!!!! I dont want to cancel it all, But he doesnt seem like he is gonna change his mind and should I even let him do this to me again, he did it to me last year too and I let it go on for 6 months or more! Help me fix this mess Ive made. Suggestions?
Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
In reply to: suz232006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 12:56pm

Dear Suz,

ohh noo, he didn't.....just call you after you leave just for a visit to tell you like a COWARD that it's over???
You keep that ticket and go back on the 25th and tell him you started a new Life there with him and because of him, he'll have to either make it work with you or help you get your stuff home.Plus you have a Job over there, at least he should let you stay so you can work,until you can save up some money and get situated back in Canada.He can't leave you hangin' like this!!!
Don't let him do this to you. Be strong and maybe you guys can talk over it in person, he needs to be a man and tell you the real reason he wanted to break up to your face!!

Please, let me know what you're going to do.

MoniGee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
In reply to: suz232006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 1:12pm

Hey Suz,

I am so sorry that you are going through all this....it royally sucks. Although I do agree with the last poster that you should keep your plane ticket for the 25th and go back, I don't agree that he should make it work. After my breakup with my ex of 5 years (we were extremely on and off...broke up 3 times and I took him back EVERY time) I realized I that I was too good for his crap and that if he didn't want to be with me then it was his lose...not mine. And the same goes for you. You can't make someone want to be with you as much as we would all like that to be the case. So definitely go back, get your stuff, talk to your boss and head yourself back to Canada. I wouldn't give him the time of day. Tell him that your sorry he feels that way, get the answers you need for your own closure and let it be all. If he's done it once, take it from me, he'll do it again and again and not only will you be unhappy you will also be insecure and wonder when the next time will be that he decides he can't do it again and needs space from you.

Most of all, take care of yourself. Go out with family, friends, your new niece/nephew and do things that make you happy. Rediscover the things you love to do. We've all been through it before and are all here for you.

Take Care,
Catgirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
In reply to: suz232006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 1:41pm
You know what I feel great today because I was thinking about all his bad qualities which are a lot! And Im better off without him!!!! its freeing actually, he is a 32 year old baby, immature, irresponsible the whole bit. he blames me for his problems, but you know what I never did a thing but treat him like a king and he will see that eventually, but I will be far farrr gone! I am 7 years younger than him and so much more mature and responsible. Im tired of the needless drama, losing his license, carelessness, me slaving and cleaning for him while he has his personal space on the computer, him using my money to go out with his friends. Im tired and sooooo much better off without!
I will eventually find someone who cares. And yes all my things are still there, but who cares they only will remind me of him. I am only 24 and I can move on with my life and pick up again on my life in Canada. This is the second time he did this to me and I am better off without. He lost something, not me.
Thanks, my ideas might change again, but remind me of this frame of thought if they do!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
In reply to: suz232006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 3:00pm

Suz,
he seems VERY immature for 32, you are right! Now, that you find his bad qualities outweighing the good, and you know for sure you don't want to waste you're time on him anymore, maybe it's good for you to stay in Canada. Start over from scratch, and stay away from guys like that, you don't need to support a giggolo like that with your own money.
Too bad for the wasted ticket thou, I am from Europe,too (originally), now living in the U.S. and would love to go home, but those flights are rather expensive.
I hope you'll be allright with that decision, let me know if you change you're mind.

I haven'y posted on here, but I've been following everyone's tragic story;s on here since me and my man of 7 years broke up 2 months ago.I'm still hurting for him, too. Haven't seen him, we're 500 miles apart, he moved bach home after six years of us living together, we had a little contact after the breakup, but nothing promising that it will ever work out between us.Besides, he's done too much bad stuff, it's unforgivable.

Well,take care, keep me updated.
MoniGee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
In reply to: suz232006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 5:33pm
Well now that my high has went down a little. I still dont think it would be a good idea to go back. he said he would like to see me, but doesnt want me to take two planes to do so. Also I think that going there would cause me more pain then necessary. I know how it would happen we would work on things and get back together, much to my family and friends dismay and then a few months down the road he would do it again. I love him and he loves me, but the point is he is a selfish, Italian mammas boy who never grew up and doesnt want to grow up. he doesnt see the point of growing up either, his mother pays his bills, because he claims he cant pay them with his salary. But the point is he just doesnt want to. I cleaned house head to toe and before that it was his mother. He lost his drivers license because he didnt face them and the same with his bills. I was always trying to not make him stressed out, tip toeing all over the house so I wasnt in his way. im tired of it, I wish I could make him understand, but he will never understand. Im happy that Ive realized that and realized that it had nothing to do with me or our love, it had to do with him being too selfish and immature 32 year old man, who is scared to grow up and get married. It has nothing to do with being compatiable, its just he doesnt want to grow up and how can you change someone like that?
I tried so hard, I moved there, got all the visas, found a job in a foreign country that doesnt even speak english. Somehow found friends, a job, loved him and travelled around on my own and that simply wasnt enough after 7 years of trying. He is too selfish.
What is your hypothesis? I like to think it had nothing to do with me or him not loving me enough, this is what gets me through the day.
Thanks for all your support, its helped me a lot@!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
In reply to: suz232006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 5:45pm
Oh yes I was wondering do you think I should even bother emailing him and telling him those things I just said? And explaining why he needs to grow up and how this is all about him not wanting to grow up because this has nothing to do with our relationship? I mean he probably wont listen or even write me back. And I dont know even if I should do that really, I really have done too much.
What do you think? Am I right on where his mind is at?
Thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
In reply to: suz232006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:07pm
Hello, I have read your posts and it seems like we are both dealing with immature men that are scared to grow up. I have a few more months on you, though, and I can tell you that contact seems to do little to help. If you tell him where you feel he needs to improve you may start a he-said/she-said back and forth that goes nowhere. If you can resist I would let silence do the talking for you. I bet you will hear from him if you drop off the face of the earth. Why wouldn't he want to take two planes to meet you? Sounds like he's had his cake and ate it too with you and doesn't want to make much effort. Exactly like my ex. Well, let them make no effort and see where it gets them with the next girl. If you are done, be done. Good luck!! Kelly
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
In reply to: suz232006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:22pm
Hey thanks, its nice to know theres someone else there like me who has to deal with a man who doesnt know what he wants and is extremly immature. Yeah well his is the second time he has done this to me and last time it took 6 months for him to decide, strangly I waited to find out his answer! This time its gone to far, I moved there for him, washed his clothes, cleaned the house for him and still had time to love him and to have a job. What exactly is your story? Do you expect to get back with him? Me I dont know. Ive been writing him the past few days trying to understand what he needs and he just says the same thing, he wants to be alone and he just doesnt feel it. But I dont think its about him not loving me enough, its about him being afraid to grow up, its evident in every other aspect of his life! But he doesnt agree with this idea and thinks he is very mature! yeah I feel like Im wasting my words and my energy. So now I think the best thing for me to do is cancel my ticket, find something to do here and stay out of contact with him. Maybe he will come back, but I dont think I will be interested. Sadly you think you know somebody and thats all you can see but obviously this is the real him and I have to keep reminding myself of this ugly side even after 7 years. Although Im young, so it wont take long to jump back.
Thanks tell me about your story.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
In reply to: suz232006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:23pm
I sort of was in the same boat as you. I moved all the way from the west coast to be with my ex on the east coast. Had to get a new job, I moved in with him, had to make a new life, ect. Well, fast forward 3 years and we broke up, mainly because he couldn't commit. I was kicking myself for upending my entire life to come here and be with him, and he didn't have to do anything! NOW, once again, I was faced with a complete change in my life...I would have to find a new job, a new place to live, a new social circle, a new life. I decided ultimately to stay in the area. Yes, it would be hard to be close to him, but why should I have to give up my job and everything else? I found an apt and am getting involved in clubs and activities to meet people. I know this would be hard for you to do because you would be in Europe. If you felt comfortable redoing your life there, then do it. If not, defintely take that flight and get your stuff and come back to your home in Canada. Having a support base of family and friends will be helpful. Yes, you will have to "start over", but so what? It's for the best. You can make a great life for yourself and you are only 24. The one thing I learned from what happened to me: I never again will build my life around someone else, because if it doesn't work out, I will be the one picking up the pieces of my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
In reply to: suz232006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:35pm
Yeah thats somthing Im realizing, but its hard when you love somebody so much and you want to spend your life with them. I was willing to do anything for him.And its a big blow to realize they dont want that, because really thats in the end what my bf didnt want, marriage. ALTHOUGH I know it was just him being immature at 32. But really I cant go back, Im canceling my flight for the 25th, what do you think? I cant go back there, we will just try to get back together again. And thats obviously what he doesnt want. And maybe I dont want it either now. He will endure the costs of one part of my ticket being cancelled and the costs to get my luggage back here.
Thanks
Suz

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