Need to Vent About NC
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| Tue, 01-03-2006 - 1:13pm |
Ok, so it's been 2 weeks since I last reached out to him and almost two months since the roller coaster ride of our breakup began. He's a classic commitment phobe and I know that he loved me deeply, maybe too much for him to handle. He even admitted that a few months before he finally broke up with me.
So I am comitting to no contact with him so I can heal, and at times it is sooo painful for me, but it's what I have to do. But I hear through the grapevine that he has been spending time with his ex-girlfriend. The same ex-girlfriend who contacted him incessantly during our relationship. They have been broken up since October 2004.
My question is...how can he be with someone who obviously has such low self esteem to practically beg for him to take her back for a year after he broke up with her? Isn't that a turn off? Is he just spending time with her b/c it's easy since she always makes herself so available? He always told everyone there was no chance in hell he would ever be with her again and that he never really loved her, but now that I'm gone that's who he runs to? I just don't get it.
Is this what guys like? Girls who beg and don't move on with their life after you dump them? Do some guys actually go back to these women?
Not sure if there are even any answers to these questions...just needed to vent.

If he really is a c'phobe, he's probably spending time with her because he knows that he doesn't want to be with her long-term...i.e., he knows there's no chance of him making a commitment to her (of course, he's probably not *telling* her that).
Good for you for making it through 2 weeks of no contact...ESPECIALLY over the holidays. Hang in there.
Sheri
Well, what do you know? I'm having a hell of a time dealing with this no contact thing today and I've made it 3 weeks (my original post was incorrect) and guess who IM's me today?
Asking about my holidays, telling me about his stuff...for what???? If he broke up with me why doesn't he leave me alone. And why can't I find the courage to tell him that? Why do I bother to engage in small talk?
He's a classic commitment phobe and I have to find a way to tell him that I am moving on and cannot continue to talk to him b/c it only holds both of us back. But what if when I do that he goes away for good? Maybe that's just what he needs to see that he needs to make a change. He can't commit to being with me but he can't commit to being without me either. It's time for me to take control and let him know that I am leaving the relationship and I can only communicate with him if he's ready to make a commitment. Maybe that will scare him away for good but if it does, then it wasn't meant to be.
Ok, can someone challenge me to actually do this?? :-)
First things first...if you made a commitment to no contact, why didn't you block him from contacting you (which is part of no contact)?
Next...do you have the book "He's Scared, She's Scared"? If so, please re-read the last chapter on recovering from a c'phobic relationship to put yourself in the right mind frame.
Then, if you still want to, compose an email that tells him you are moving on and asking him not to contact you *UNLESS* he decides he is ready to commit 100% to your relationship and go to counseling (and any other requirements that are specific to your situation, but counseling should be non-negotiable). That way, you know that he knows the door is open...IF he chooses to walk through it.
Sheri
I think I'm using the wrong terms. I am commited to not contacting him. This wasn't like an affair where there is this "no contact" period which I consider to be a temporary thing. We had broken up so that was that. I actually never thought about him contacting me since he was the one who dumped me.
I erased him from my IM as soon as we broke up. I also deleted his email address and phone number although and I know both of them by heart, I at least I don't have to accidentally run into them anymore. I'm also trying to forget them by the way and I'm almost there with the phone number. I threw away all his business cards and deleted all his emails, voicemails and text mesassges, so yes, I am commited to not contacting him. Which is part of the reason why I don't even want to bother sending him an email right now.
I honestly didn't think he'd contact me again but now that I have read He's Scared She's Scared I see that it is actually a possibility. If he does get the nerve to contact me again in the future, I now know I will handle it differently and I will tell him right then not to contact me anymore unless he is willing to get help.
I need to have the courage to set the boundary regardless of what he thinks of me. I guess that's my issue.
Thanks for the help.
Congratulations, you have made some really good progress and that is great!
Very good question. I've re-read the end of He's Scared She's Scared and thought long about the answer.
The answer is, I'm not ready to let go either. We both have commitment issues, his are active and mine are passive. And as much as I know that letting go is the right thing and the only thing I can do to heal, I have to admit, I'm not ready to make that commitment.
I know I will be and I'm getting closer everyday to the day that I will be ready to completely walk away, but right now, I have to be honest and say that I can't. I have to do this in my own time as does everyone going through a break-up. I know that day is coming and I'm working on it, unfortunately it's just not today.
Though, just writing this shows me that it has to be done. So thanks for provoking me with the question.