Need to vent (Sorry so long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Need to vent (Sorry so long)
6
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 11:37am

I just need to vent for a minute. I'm sorry that I come on here and keep repeating myself, I know it must get old. Again, I apologize.

I just don't u/s why guys feel like they can act as though we're still friends after a breakup. I don't mean being all chummy b/c he and I are not like that. But as previously posted we broke up 6 wks ago and I'm trying to find a job back in my home town 3 states away. He's been staying with a friend but come back here a few days a week to get clothes etc. Usually he does this when I'm not here. I can't take his keys etc b/c we still split all the bills b/c we're both on the lease. To be honest he's not being malicious or anything like that but I know he is seeing someone and it hurts me. He didn't tell me and I know he doesn't have to but it still hurts.
For 5 wks he was calling me and trying to be "nice", basically checking up on me to make sure I was okay probably b/c he felt guilty about the entire situation (I moved 3 states away 4 yrs ago to be with him leaving my entire family) For the most part I wasn't taking his calls and if I did they were real short. At one point he was calling his brother (who lives in the apt with us/me) b/c i wasn't answering my phone.

Well Monday I told him I knew about the girl and asked him to leave (more told him I guess) and told him not to ever call me again. Well... he didn't. But he did just come over to get something to go to the gym I think. But when I saw him pull up I jumped in the shower as quickly as I could. He knocked on the bathroom door when he can in and said hi, all i said was hi back. When I got out he was getting ready to leave and he of course said bye and I said see ya. He stopped and asked what I was doing today and I said I had some errands to run. A few minutes later he asked me again and I just asked "why do you always want to know what I'm doing, why do you care." He then just left. I wanted to say to him that I was seriously looking for a job in NY and that hopefully before he knew it I'd be outta here and he could have the apt back to himself and I'd be out of his life for good. Obviously I didn't say that. I'm really afraid that I will never see him again and that sucks b/c before he was my best friend. I couldn't wait to move here to be with him b/c we had so much fun (we met on line and just talked for 2 yrs before we actually met) I thought I knew him pretty well but I guess I didn't. I don't know, I guess I'm just feeling abandoned which is to be expected b/c we had been together for so long.

I know that I should try not to be so bitter but I just can't help it. As soon as I saw him pull up I immediately started shaking and I could barely stand in the shower. It sucks b/c I really want to see him and talk to him but it is too sad for me b/c I want what we had back and I know it never will be. I don't call him and that's a start. I go to dinner with friends about once a week but the rest of the time it's really just me. All my friends are married and some have kids, so it's not like they're going bar hopping and really I 34 and really not into that scene anymore.

I think today I'm going to clean the entire apt top to bottom, watch some of the tv shows I've recorded and read a book I have for work. Tomorrow I might go to Borders and read in the cafe. I just need to make sure I get out b/c I am making myself go stir crazy b/c he's out partying and having the time of his life and I'm not.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 12:29pm

Well, it's going to take a while before you're able to not be bitter about this, and the fact that you have to see him isn't going to help move things along. I think that if you're serious about moving (back?) to NY, you should do that sooner rather than later even if you don't have a job lined up yet. Do you have family or friends you can stay with? I think the sooner you're out of that apt and out of the situation, the sooner you'll be able to really start healing and moving on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2007
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 12:52pm
I feel your pain, :( it's sad when things end. But, the best thing you can do for yourself is just tell him how you feel. Get it off your chest. You don't have to be mean about it, just state the facts. Write it in a letter and give it to him so you don't get side tracked in the conversation, then he can read it and hopefully open up to some decent conversation. I'm not sure, but i was getting the idea you want to be his friend still? In some capacity? I was married for many years and i spent two years after hating him.. even looking at him annoyed me. It's taken almost 4 years to get to a place where i can actually have a conversation with him and not be angry. I felt the same way you did about him asking what i was doing or where i was going. It's not his right anymore to ask. He left.. you don't owe him that even if he's just asking out of nothing else to say. So.. i'd say, write your feelings down and let him read them, I think you'll feel a lot better for YOU!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 1:34pm

Hi belly_2004 - Aren't Borders Cafe great!? Sounds like you are doing the right things in regards to your time, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 1:57pm

Its ok to vent..thats what these boards are for...sometimes u have to sort things out in your head for it to make sense...i am so sorry u have to go thru that...it is so darn hard..and i know how u feel when u say abandoned..it is the worse feeling in the world..u feel so alone....like ..why did he leave..am i not good enough? why is she better? what could i have done differenltly?

My ex broke up with me 7 weeks ago..we had a long distance thing..i was about to move up there..he broke up with me when i was visiting him and i left to the airport in such a rush because i was so hurt....we never had a chance face to face to say goodbye..i was telling him i couldnt even look at him..and left in a cab after screaming at him!!! i never sat down to discuss things i needed to say to him..i regret that ..i wish i could have got it all out to his face.....after i left i gave it a few days..then called him because i wanted him to know how i felt...all my true feelings that i never told him....the ones i held in...i called him 3 days later..and told him how i loved him, sorry for any mistakes i made...he meant so much to me (although it turned into me telling him i would do anything to be back with him..and how much i was sorry for not showing my emotions)...o.k. obviously it did not work...he said it was still over and he did not want to try anymore!!

After i pleaded with him..and got everything out, even though he did not want to be with me, i got it out..he know knows my true feelings...i told him everything i wanted to say..nothing more nothing less....if i had not called and laid it all out there..i would still be wondering...what if..etc....but after i told him..he still didnt want me...i cried but atleast i know i did what i could....and it still didnt work......i gave it my all...his loss...he did not want to fight for us...

My suggestion is you tell him what you need to ...get it out...then when u move you have no what ifs regrets....you need to move as soon as possible..and have no contact with him...its hard..it hurts ..use these boards to get it out..thats what they are here for...i feel your pain...i am still hurting and feeling empty..but everyday my tears get less and less.......yours will to.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 2:02pm
Hi bellaa, I think you meant this reply to go to belly_2004 and not me....I get email notification when someone replies to one of my posts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 6:55pm

I know that he doesn't want it to work out and that's why I'm not pursuing it. He's already with someone else but hasn't yet admitted it to me but I know for sure he is.
I do admit that I am crying less and I do have more good days than bad. It's just with the situation over last weekend and then him stopping over Monday, Valentines Day, and what not I've had a tough week. I'm doing okay at the moment and am just trying not to think about him so much. I wake up with an empty feeling in my stomach, so I just take deep breaths and close my eyes thinking of anything but him. I've become an early riser (that that I've slept late since college) but I mean even on weekends I'm awake at 6a. Therefore my days are forever long! I can't wait for Monday to come so that I can go to work b/c I'm much better M-F when I'm occupied. I'm sure that makes sense and you all feel that way too.

I think I have 2 possibilities of job in NY. My old job called me Fri and I'm going to call them back Mon and see what my chances are. I know that I'm hesitant about moving b/c I'm afraid that we'll never talk or see each other again after I'm gone. I honestly don't know if he'd let that happen b/c we were so close but then again I don't know. I also thought that he might call me on Valentines Day or during the week but he didn't do that either. It really sucks but I know that I'm even stronger now than I was 6 wks ago when I was crying my eyes out all weekend and at work the following week. Luckily I hit it pretty well (thank god for girlfriends who don't hesitate to give you a quick tissue and drag you to the bathroom for a good tear jerker).