Need your advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Need your advice
3
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 4:02pm
This is kind of complicated. About 3 yrs ago i became involved with a guy, knowing fully that i could not marry him (he was arab/muslim, me white/catholic). Although we were very very close (spent every day together), we both knew and agreed that both of us would be better off with someone we could marry, so we both knew the other was open to other relationships, ones with long-term potential.

It was very hard for me knowing that this person i loved so much, i couldnt marry. i've never loved anyone as much, or had as much fun with a person as i did with him. but i knew i had to move on eventually. I wanted to marry him, even told him i'd raise the kids muslim (a big sacrafice on my part i think). However, he wanted me to convert too (even though he wasnt religious..it was more for his mom's sake). I tried and tried, but wouldn't compromise. I started dating other ppl, and was very open with him the whole time. When i finally kissed and made out with this one guy i really liked, i told him because I didnt want to hide anything from him. Then he freaked out on me. Called me names, said how could i do this to him ,etc etc etc. Then told me not to make out with this guy again. For whatever reason , I did (didn't have sex though). And he freaked out even more.

To make a long story short, he blames me and for months has been calling me names and harassing me, saying i'm a stupid whore, etc. Yells at me like a psycho.

I love him so much though , and miss him so much. I know he is hurting so much because of me, and I feel guilty. I am so depressed and feel so guilty. I'm not sure if what I did was that terrible, or if he is just overreacting (he has a very high ego).

In the end, the relationship with the new guy didn't work out. My ex-bf says i'm stupid, I could've still had (himself) as a friend. But instead i threw it all away for a relationshp that would never last. My justification tho, is that this new guy could've married me; my 'ex' wouldnt.

What do you guys think? Was what I did that terrible?? I cant get over this.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 5:12pm
I think sharing the information that you kissed the other man was a mistake. If you had an agreement where you could date other people, then why was it necessary to tell him? It's one thing to know that someone is dating others; quite another to hear the details!

However, that's a small mistake. Your ex's response is not that of a completely emotionally balanced man, to put it mildly ;-). Forgive yourself and move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 5:25pm
I hear your pain. I am from the same ethnicity as he is, but those guys

they cannot even commit to their own kind. They cannot commit. Period!

they use the religion/ethnicity as an excuse. I wasted more than a year

with this guy who was same ehtnicity/religion. Stayed so committed and

faithful but we were slightly different ethnic sects and that was according

to him mom such a big deal. These guys, they love only one woman and that

is their mom.

I know I sound harsh, but so many women have been hurt by these guys. Just

because their lack of knowledge. I myself have been in the same boat, and

I knew everything and I thought that this guy was different.

They believe in arranged marriages, someone their mom picks. They accept

the parents' decision blindly knowing that they will have as much fun

as they can bef and after the marriage.

But speaking of him accusing you, that is very cultural. Yes, the notion

of double standard that is so deeply embeded in every single thing. Read

religious text. No, you cannot do anything, you cannot exercise your

rights becasue you are a woman. Where he has a right to go out with you

and have sex with you (that is so against his religion) but he wont marry

you bec his religion does not allow it. Open your eyes. This set up is

for so rigid and so un modifiable because it benefits these men.

I know it is so tough to get over it, my heart aches every moment. But mainly

from my stupidity that I was blind enough to buy into all this. and then

I miss him and then I get even angrier on myself for missing him. They

are great at charming women, just like any chauvinistic guy who is good

at stealing smiles. But that is just part of who they want to be.

Please find someonelse who will respect and honor you for who you are.

Not ask you to change yourself or take rights away from you. This will be

a lot more complicated and extremely painful even if you marry him.

Think of rejection by his family, think of his mom (the only woman he loves)

not accepting you and him treating you badly because his mother

does not like you.

Feel free to write back to ask me any detailed questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:53pm
Welcome to the board. You're story seemed familiar to me....it reminded me of this post...http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=15888.1 Anyway, it doesn't suprise me that your relationship with the "new guy" didn't work out because it's obvious that your heart was with (and still is) your ex. It sounds to me like you were only with this other guy and told your ex about it to make him jealous. I could be wrong but it sounds like you were hoping if he got jealous enough he'd be more willing to compromise. I don't think it was a good idea to continue to make out with this other guy after you saw how upset he got if you really wanted to be with your ex. I've always heard that Arab men are pretty stubborn and it doesn't sound to me like there is much of a chance for a reconciliation between you two. I think it would probably be best to cut your ties with him and try to move on. If he won't stop calling...get your number changed and make it unlisted, if he won't quit e-mailing or IM'ing you then block him on your lists and if he's harrassing you in person then get a restraining order. Do whatever it takes to get away from him and stay safe. Don't allow him to treat you badly for movimg on. Good luck and keep us posted!! We're here if you need us!!









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