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| Thu, 02-24-2005 - 10:39pm |
Wow, it has been an extremely difficult week. I posted last week under "sick to my stomache" (thank you for the encouraging responses). For those who didn't read it, basically I broke up with my boyfriend because we had been going through a tough, tough time (trust issues) and we were going to rebuild but then his job called him away for 3 weeks. I started crying and told him I was happy for his opportunity but this couldn't have come at a worse time and we would have to break up, because I didn't want to go through the pain of not trusting him while he was away. He understood why I did it but put up a fight. We have actually hung out every night since then (we have spent the night every night since the begginning so it was hard letting go of that), I know we shouldn't have, but I figured he was leaving within days, so that forced seperation would make it so that we wouldn't continue the close contact. Plus, its not like I hate him-I love the guy ya know. There was no sex, just intense conversations about what we wanted and whether or not he will ever be able to be in a monogomous relationship. Well, he gave me the number of the girl I had found out about. I called her, she was actually very nice. (I was hoping for a snot-so I could go off) She apologized over and over again and said she would respect my wishes and stay away.
Well, here's the deal. We are not together, I will not be with him while he is away because I will be worried sick. It would be fine if all of this had not happend just recently (he has gone away for 2 weeks before and I trusted him), but he has not had time to gain my trust back. He was originally leaving today (thurs) but pushed it back to this coming mon. because he knows if he leaves now there is no chance. Thing thing is, we never got into a huge fight, we broke up on decent terms. I just simply don't trust him.
So what do I do while he is gone and when he comes back? I know he will call, and lord knows I am not interested in starting a new relationship. He is perfect for me except this huge flaw he has!! And, until he proves his loyalty, I cannot and will not accept him back. I have standards for myself and this past month he has fallen below them. How does he prove his loyalty if we are not together. When he comes back I do not plan on having NEAR as much contact with him, if I do then I will never get over him. Yesterday, he told me that his friend told him that he had messed up big time with me, so I know he knows its not just me that realizes he needs to change. AGHHHH! And, get this, he got my apartment key and is going to have a b-day present for me waiting since he will miss it while he is gone. What oh what do I do. My heart wants him more than anything in the world, but my head is telling me that he needs to prove himself. What do you all suggest? Should I just wait until he is back and see how he acts? Or should I tell him that there should be no contact and not answer any calls while he is gone. I don't know if I can do taht. It sure would be a lot easier to get over him if we ended on bad terms!

Amanalou
Reading your posts only one thing ever comes to my mind...have you ever watched Sex and the City? Well, Samantha gets involved with Richard...both of them are in love but Richard cannot be faithful to Sam. So she takes him back after finding him in bed with another woman, and though he promises to try and so forth, she simply cannot get over her inability to trust him--and rightly so. I always remember this episode because as she's leaving Richard, he tells her that he loves her...and she says "I love you too...but I love myself more."
Love yourself more.