Needing advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Needing advice
4
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:50am

Hi all, I"m actually a guy but thought this would be a good forum for getting some insights.

My story is this. I began dating a friend of mine for 9 months. We had great times together, we pretty compatible, got along. Some things bothered me about her. She does have a tendency of passive aggressiveness. She ended a previous relationship just before getting married because she felt overwhelmed by the demands of her mother-in-law, and she wants to have kids. I don't want to have kids. This is the deal-breaker. Everything else we could compromise on. We agreed to end things because I was unable to "take it to the next level". Fair enough. Now I'm wondering if I made a mistake. It's hard for me. Any thoughts?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 10:56am

I'm sure you miss her but you made the right decision. Kids/no kids is a dealbreaker, as you say...you can't compromise on that one.

For the time being, it's best if you don't have any contact with her (not sure if you do or not) and let time do its work. After you're both completely over your romantic feelings for each other, you can reconnect as friends.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 10:47pm

Hi Sheri,

Thanks for this. I must say it's a kind of confusing time for me. I'm kind of second-guessing myself on this. I have had a very bad experience a few years ago with a Commitmentphobe who disappeared one day. After much therapy and personal work, I came to draw boundaries.

Now I begin dating a friend of mine. We take it super slow...very slow. A date every 2 weeks, limited contact. Then we built it up from there. She wants what she defines as a "boyfriend". I wanted to take things slow and continue "dating". During this time I've found a few things.

1) Our energy levels are very different. I'm super active, athletic, up early etc. She likes to nap, takes things much slower

2)I'm very plugged into current events. When I asked her which movie she thought would win "Best Picture" this year...her response was "The Pianist"---which won Best Director in 2003!

3) She says she wants kids. I'm not so keen

4) She says she had a 7 year relationship with a guy who she describes at times verbally and physically abusive. Despite this, she was about to marry the guy and then weeks before the wedding pulled the plug because she felt his mother-in-law was too controlling. I found this last minute escape a bit of a "red flag".

So I'm confused. I really enjoy being with her and she has great qualities. But at the same time, there's what I just mentioned above.

Do you think it strange that I would write those 4 points, yet at the same time feel conflicted about wanting to continue and at the same time having serious reservations?

Is this is a good idea to end things as they are, wait and then see if there's a friendship there---which I think there would be. But at the same time, if there's a friendship, why couldn't there be more? Hence the conflict. Thoughts?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 10:37am

Well, since point 3 is a dealbreaker, points 1, 2 and 4 are really moot, IMO. But since you asked, the first two strike me as things that can be compromised on, if you want to, and as for the 4th--has she grown and changed since then? Has she gotten counseling to understand why she'd spend 7 years with an abuser?

And friendship and a romantic relationship are two different animals. I have plenty of good guy friends I could never be in a relationship with...that's why they are my friends and not my SO. While friendship is *part* of a romantic relationship, there's much more that's necessary in order to be with someone romantically.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Sat, 05-06-2006 - 1:14pm
Thank you Sheri!