needing some not typical NC advice
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 01-13-2006 - 11:05pm |
I am new to the board, let alone posting, and while I'm sad we all get to be here, I have found strength in the things many of you have to say. It has been a month since my ex broke up with me. He chose to end our 3 year LDR in a six sentence email, with no explanation of why (nope, we aren't in junior high, I'll be 31 next month). While I'm angry, hurt, and wouldn't want him back after that humiliation, I so want to tell him how wrong and hurtful his actions were. So I'm needing a little NC reassurance from those of you in a similar situation and not from my happily married with children friends.
To give you a little history, my ex and I met almost three years ago on a cruise. I was skeptical of starting any sort of relationship on vacation, but within the first hour of talking to him, it was like we were long lost friends. We ended up living only a couple of hours apart and so we decided to give it a try. During the past three years, we spent almost every weekend together, vacationed together, and became close with each other's families (he saw me through both my younger sister's weddings this summer, I spent several holidays with his family as I live far away from mine). Phone calls and emails were constant. He was planning our winter escape to warm weather. Over the last few months I began to bring up the moving issue and marriage. A few months ago, we decided that it was time to shorten the distance between the two of us, and I began preparing to move. I needed to hear him say I was the person he wanted to marry, that I was the one for him. He gave me those answers- saying he didn't know how or when, but he was going to propose- in late November. Shortly after Thanksgiving, I got an email from him saying he didn't know what he wanted, the next day that he was traveling halfway across the US about a job, and three days later, while on the interview, he sent the email saying he wished me nothing but the best, but it was best if we both moved on.
I called him to find out why, and he offered no reason, but it wasn't anything I did. He was so annoyed with my call that the conversation was over in a few minutes. He did manage to tell me that my stuff had been packaged up and mailed. I am left, like others, with no closure, and that has become my struggle. Knowing that he lied about marriage and moving makes me wonder what else he might have not been honest about. With some time for reflection, I realize that during the same time we talked about this stuff, he increasingly went out with his friends on Friday nights, or worked on the weekends, or whatever reason to decrease the time we spent together. Deep down I wondered if this was coming, but I asked if I was wasting my time and he responded by going off on how stupid that question was. I guess it comes down to I want to contact him to let him know how poorly he treated me, the break up, and how rotten it has made me feel. Is it worth it? Does it matter? Will it accomplish anything? Or if I did tell him that, would it make me crappy person in the end?
Also, what about NC with his family? I spent Thanksgiving with his family, which ended up being the last time I saw him as well. During the relationship, I became esp. close to his mom, who told me that day that how much they loved me and she considered me as her second daughter. I sent a Christmas card, not mentioning the break up, but thanking them for their kindness and taking me in over the holidays the last 3 years. About a week later she sent a note saying how shocked and saddened she was to hear of the break up (he's not the best at staying in touch with them, so I'm guessing the card tipped her off that something happened). She then went on about how much they wanted me to be happy, they wanted what was best for me, and then asked if perhaps with time I would get back together with him. So I think he told the parents I ended the relationship. Do I just let this go? Can I send a note that casually clarifies that I was not the one to end things? Does it matter? Or am I reading into things too much? Any thoughts or advice is appreciated!

Pages
Hi, I think I've posted to you before about having an LDR end recently in a very painful way as well (my ex didn't even bother with a short email, he just stopped contacting me altogether and wouldn't return my increasingly confused, hurt and finally angry calls or emails). I did write him a couple emails expressing how hurt and angry I was at his decision to end things without even treating me like I'm a fellow human being (I wasn't mean or cruel, but I was honest and direct). He never wrote back or called. I'll never know why he ended it, let alone why he chose to do so in such a cruel manner, and I've realized it really doesn't matter...at more than 2 months past the last call, I've stopped asking. We weren't right for each other, that's all there is too it. No man who was right for me would have done what he did.
So...I don't know if writing to him will make you feel better. I felt better being able to express myself, since I never was given the chance to, and since you didn't have much more of a chance, you might get some benefit. But it will also probably hurt like heck when you don't get a response (and you almost certainly won't).
I also asked about whether we were good, when it seemed like he was withdrawing and he would always insist we were fine. "It'll all be worth it in the end" he used to say. Our last conversation was all about him recommitting to our relationship and trying to do a better job of keeping the connection going, about him planning a visit soon. That was the last time I ever talked to him...figure that one out, eh? So yes, I understand wondering if it was all a lie. But like I said, I'm not wondering any more...it doesn't really matter at this point. We had some amazing times together, we had hopes for a future and now it's over. That's the bottom line.
As for his family...I would probably need to send a note saying something like, "I doubt we'll be getting back together since it was ex's choice to end it". That would bug me, too. I wouldn't recommend keeping in touch with them for the time being though...maybe a holiday card next year but that's it. It's indirect contact and that will keep you from getting over him (I was good friend's with one ex's mother and I had to stop seeing her after our breakup...it was just too hard).
Anyway...I hope this helps some. I know how much you must be hurting. But I'm on the other side of the worst of it (although writing this email did bring some tears), so I can offer you the hope of a light at the other end of the tunnel...eventually. Hopefully it won't be more than another month or so before you start to feel better also.
Sheri
Writing him a very thought-out letter might be cathartic for you. But I think you have to be prepared to receive no response from him. I am kind of on the fence with this one because I do believe that no contact is usually for the best, however, I really don't see anything wrong with letting someone know that they handled things poorly. My advice is to write the letter and put it away for a day or two. You may find that just taking the time to get your thoughts out on paper is enough. Write, rewrite, give it time. If you still feel the need to send it, then do so.
I am against the "you are a big piece of crap" kind of letter, but I do think letting someone know that they treated you with an huge lack of respect is fine.
It does sound like from your post that he was already disconnecting and moving on way before he sent you that terse email. I have learned that once someone has made that decision, they don't feel the need to explain much.
If you send a letter to his mom, I would keep it short and sweet. Just let her know you appreciate her sentiments. As far as the breakup is concerned, I would only say that it wasn't your choice and leave it at that. But, like you stated in your post -- in the end it doesn't really matter.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me and I'm sorry it caused a few tears for you as well. I had not heard your story before; how silly for me to think I was alone in suffering from the immature ending of a relationship.
My thought of sending him a letter telling him how I feel was not to provoke him to respond. While I didn't know him as well as I thought, I know him well enough that he will most certainly not respond. I even have doubts that he would read it. But I am someone who has to talk, or in this case, write things out. If I at least sent it, then perhaps it will bring a sense of peace.
I have already written a few letters over the last couple of weeks, all of which are sitting at the bottom of my shredder. Each has gotten closer to what I should say, not want to say. As another poster pointed out, I can't send a "you are a piece of crap" note, for that makes me no better of person than he is. So I guess I'll keep writing, shredding, and finally find what I need to say. I decided that I will send his mom a note- short, sweet and to the point. Then the contact is over.
As far as a light at the end of the tunnel, I hope to be able to see it soon. That vacation he was supposed to be planning turned into my quickly planned island escape in four weeks. It will be difficult vacationing by myself after three years of traveling with him, but I thought that if I skipped my "tradition" that started before him, then I let him win. I hope it will end up being a wonderful moving on experience!
Hi there...
I just read your post (I know i'm a bit behind), but am in pretty much the same predicament as you are/were.
How did things turn out for you? Did you ever send a letter to him? How are you feeling nowadays? I'm in Day 4 of NC and thinking the same thoughts you had in your posts- do I tell him how he just didn't respond to my last email for closure? will it even matter to him? does he even realize or care how bad he hurt me by not responding? (I emailed him last Friday and asked for one minute of his time to say our goodbyes over the phone; he never responded.)
Just need your advice...
::I guess it comes down to I want to contact him to let him know how poorly he treated me, the break up, and how rotten it has made me feel. Is it worth it? Does it matter? Will it accomplish anything? Or if I did tell him that, would it make me crappy person in the end?
Please write this out first as an UNSENT letter to vent. Personally, I don't think it's worth it, even though it matters to you, because it doesn't matter to him. He will not want to hear all this, nor will it envoke sympathy/empathy for you. You may or may not get a response - however, if you do get a response, be prepared for it to be either a letter that attacks you or defends himself - but it will not amount to anything you want to hear. Write out a few UNSENT letters and then burn them. Keep writing and burning, daily if need be until you feel better.
Carrie
I'm sorry to hear that you too have to go through the email break up experience. It hasn't been easy, but its been over two months since the last time we spoke. While there have been plenty of moments of sadness (and feeling a little sorry for myself), I have been working hard to move forward.
I spent a month writing letters to him to help get rid of some of the emotions. I took the advice of another poster and started moving it away from telling him how little I thought of him and his methods. I started writing about how I wished I had realized sooner I wasn't what he wanted and that I wished he had been able to talk to me honestly when our future was discussed. I was able to write about what I enjoyed about our relationship and what I am thankful for- he made several positive impacts on my life. My goal was to write a tactful letter, take it with me on a vacation I planned for myself, and send it along the way.
So last week I set off on vacation, letter in my purse, and arrived to my destination with the letter still in hand. Perhaps I wasn't ready to send it, perhaps it was not having time to find the airport mail drops. I don't know. Other than answering the question of why I was by myself numerous times, I am happy to say it was the first week where I hadn't thought about what had occurred. Maybe it helped to hear the same response over and over from people when I answered their questions, and I am glad this happened before I quit my job, moved or we got married. On my return home yesterday I passed numerous mailboxes before dropping it in. The ending of my letter talked about starting new things in life, moving forward. Today is my birthday, so I think that by sending the letter yesterday, I ended one chapter and start another today.
Yes, I'm long winded. My advice- start writing. Do it until you can't write anymore. But whatever you do, don't send the letters. Don't keep calling or emailing. I know you want an answer or an explanation, but you aren't going to get it. When someone is capable of ending a relationship the way ours ended, I don't think they feel the need to explain anything. Take yourself out, do something nice for yourself, no matter how big or how small. It took me a month to get to what I consider a rather polite letter. I know I will not get a reply, I at times doubt whether the envelope will be opened. But I needed to close that chapter on my terms. If you send a letter, be prepared to get nothing back in response. Be the bigger and better person- if you write or say something mean, you end up being no better than he is. I hope you are doing okay and I promise it will get better someday.
Hi frozeninmn,
I have not contacted him since last Friday (the "your last chance" email). Actually, I haven't really had the urge to since I felt like his non-response was such a slap in the face. I have read from various other people that suggest writing the 'fake' letter and never mailing it. I already do write out my feelings in a journal, so I'm not sure if that would be any different. Probably. But then I think, why bother sending it, he doesn't give a crap (obviously) if he can't even say he's sorry or anything. I guess it would just be for my own pride, to know I told him what I had to say even if he didn't want to give me a chance. I don't think writing him would suddenly make him talk to me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY by the way!
I wasn't planning on writing him anything nasty if I were to actually email him. I just wanted to let him know a)I got upset because I found out about the other girl he was talking to and b)how bad he treated me by just not responding. I know, it's all in vain.
They say the silence towards him will speak volumes.... I hope it does and if he's human, feels bad in some way.
Thanks for your input... it's only Day 5 and I'm still feeling pretty bad.
I'm glad to hear from you--it sounds like you are doing well. I'm just past 3 months since my ex disappeared on me, and I'm feeling so much better than I was even a few weeks ago. I sent several emails to my ex (some angry, the more recent ones more sad and reflective) but of course heard nothing so I've given up. I'm feeling pretty close to indifference...I hardly thought of him on V-day (except to think about him being a jerk last year and not sending me anything, ha!). I've come pretty close to accepting that despite what I felt in my heart for him, he is a jerk (because only a jerk could do something like this). But accepting that doesn't make me angry at him, it makes me pity him, really, that he is so lame a person that he could do something like that.
Anyway, I hope that you'll truly be ok with not hearing back--I know that despite my best efforts to not hope for a reply, there was still a tiny bit of hope that was crushed every time.
And happy birthday!
Sheri
Hi, Sheri, I have known you from these boards for a long time. Your posts have always meant a lot to me. I am so sorry this has happened to you.
My live-in BF of 6 years just broke up with me. I have to admit I saw it coming for a long time, but it was still a very big shock that he actually did it because he had tried to break up with me several times before and changed his mind, as well as proposing to me several times. He is bipolar, I am certain.
To deal with my very great grief and distress, I poured my heart out to him in numerous e-mails. I sent them all, and I know he opened them. I do think he read them all, too, and he must have felt something when he did. But I also know that if he could push me away so coldly, that he probably did not dwell on them. But I feel so good that I got the last word in, silly as that sounds, and in my mind, ended it on my terms and told him how I felt and what his actions had done to me.
Someone advised me to never let him know how he hurt me and leave with my dignity. But I took the exact opposite tack, and let him know how deeply he had hurt me and that it was not cool and I am a human being with feelings he should have respected more after 6 years, even if his love for me had faded. It seemed to me that for me to just walk away calmly was exactly what he wanted me to do to let him off the hook. I am sure he had been looking for a new woman on the internet most of the last year we were together. I am devastated, but I am feeling validated because I do think I have come away with my dignity, and a whole lot of lessons learned. He, I am afraid, learned very little, and my departure will be his loss.
Actually, my BF did respond to a few of my last e-mails, and it was in a somewhat defensive manner. He also just asked me to please go away. So, be prepared for either silence or some ugly e-mails back.
I just hope that some day when he calms down he will remember what I said and how I felt and it might make him a better person. I have learned from my mistakes in this relationship and I hope he will, too. Not sending my e-mails would not have given me near the closure that sending them did. I had to do it. After what he put me through, I felt like he deserved a bit of heat from them. You may just be able to write them and not send them. Whatever works for you and seems best is what you should do. Best wishes.
Pages