needing some not typical NC advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
needing some not typical NC advice
12
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 11:05pm

I am new to the board, let alone posting, and while I'm sad we all get to be here, I have found strength in the things many of you have to say. It has been a month since my ex broke up with me. He chose to end our 3 year LDR in a six sentence email, with no explanation of why (nope, we aren't in junior high, I'll be 31 next month). While I'm angry, hurt, and wouldn't want him back after that humiliation, I so want to tell him how wrong and hurtful his actions were. So I'm needing a little NC reassurance from those of you in a similar situation and not from my happily married with children friends.

To give you a little history, my ex and I met almost three years ago on a cruise. I was skeptical of starting any sort of relationship on vacation, but within the first hour of talking to him, it was like we were long lost friends. We ended up living only a couple of hours apart and so we decided to give it a try. During the past three years, we spent almost every weekend together, vacationed together, and became close with each other's families (he saw me through both my younger sister's weddings this summer, I spent several holidays with his family as I live far away from mine). Phone calls and emails were constant. He was planning our winter escape to warm weather. Over the last few months I began to bring up the moving issue and marriage. A few months ago, we decided that it was time to shorten the distance between the two of us, and I began preparing to move. I needed to hear him say I was the person he wanted to marry, that I was the one for him. He gave me those answers- saying he didn't know how or when, but he was going to propose- in late November. Shortly after Thanksgiving, I got an email from him saying he didn't know what he wanted, the next day that he was traveling halfway across the US about a job, and three days later, while on the interview, he sent the email saying he wished me nothing but the best, but it was best if we both moved on.

I called him to find out why, and he offered no reason, but it wasn't anything I did. He was so annoyed with my call that the conversation was over in a few minutes. He did manage to tell me that my stuff had been packaged up and mailed. I am left, like others, with no closure, and that has become my struggle. Knowing that he lied about marriage and moving makes me wonder what else he might have not been honest about. With some time for reflection, I realize that during the same time we talked about this stuff, he increasingly went out with his friends on Friday nights, or worked on the weekends, or whatever reason to decrease the time we spent together. Deep down I wondered if this was coming, but I asked if I was wasting my time and he responded by going off on how stupid that question was. I guess it comes down to I want to contact him to let him know how poorly he treated me, the break up, and how rotten it has made me feel. Is it worth it? Does it matter? Will it accomplish anything? Or if I did tell him that, would it make me crappy person in the end?

Also, what about NC with his family? I spent Thanksgiving with his family, which ended up being the last time I saw him as well. During the relationship, I became esp. close to his mom, who told me that day that how much they loved me and she considered me as her second daughter. I sent a Christmas card, not mentioning the break up, but thanking them for their kindness and taking me in over the holidays the last 3 years. About a week later she sent a note saying how shocked and saddened she was to hear of the break up (he's not the best at staying in touch with them, so I'm guessing the card tipped her off that something happened). She then went on about how much they wanted me to be happy, they wanted what was best for me, and then asked if perhaps with time I would get back together with him. So I think he told the parents I ended the relationship. Do I just let this go? Can I send a note that casually clarifies that I was not the one to end things? Does it matter? Or am I reading into things too much? Any thoughts or advice is appreciated!

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 1:31pm

Hi, thanks for your note, I'm sorry to hear about your breakup! For some reason, I had the impression that this ended a while ago...did the two of you split up and get back together? Or maybe I'm thinking of someone else, if so I apologize.

I totally understand wanting to express your hurt...for me, it was mostly hurt and anger that he could end our relationship by just walking away without a word, how do you DO that to someone you supposedly love...and I'm glad it gave you a feeling of closure. But I'm also glad that in my case I chose to NOT respond to his recent hurtful gesture (I don't know if you saw my post in the next folder about that)...I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much what he did hurt me, frankly.

Sheri

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 11:08pm
Yes, Sheri, you are probably remembering me right. I have just had a very, very slow painful breakup that lasted about a year. I should have exited long ago myself. In fact, I should have run as fast as I could on the FIRST date when he told me his goal was to have a baby with a, his words, "chicky babe." (I was 47 at the time) Oh, well, live and learn. He is now 49 and still has that goal. I hope he and the chicky babe live happily ever after! But already I am feeling sorry for her, unsuspecting babe.

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