neither of us wanted this but...
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| Sun, 01-09-2005 - 6:57pm |
I met such a great guy in October and our connection was immediate. I mean, we were so comfortable together and could talk for hours, aswell we had a huge amount of physical attraction to one another. But my aunt found out and threatened to tell my parents about it. He's older (he's 24, i'm 19), and from a different ethnic background as well. Now, we're breaking it off, since my father would probably take me out of school if he finds out.
Here's my question: It's not ending because of how he and i feel about one another so will I ever get over it? Everything was fine until my aunt found out and I broke it off with him on Wednesday. I'm still a mess and I can't stop thinking about him. What feels worse is that I know I've hurt him too. Will I get past this anytime soon? Its killing me to know that we both want to be together. I keep thinking it would be easier if he dumped me or something.

Hi Sammykisses,
At some point, your parents will have to let you be an adult and make your own decisions. You're 19. Dating a guy who's 24 isn't that much older. It's not like you're 17 and underage! As for the ethnic differences, is it a religious difference that they're objecting to, as well?
You said that your father would probably take you out of school if he found out. For your father to deny you your education because he doesn't approve of the guy you're dating is highly manipulative, in my opinion. Granted, you are still young at 19, but part of growing up is being able to make decisions that will help us learn and become adults. We have to be allowed to make mistakes from time to time. My fear for you, is that if your parents continue making choices for you, you will be very unprepared for the "real world" out there.
This sounds, to me, like it has a lot more to do with your relationship with your parents than with the guy you were forced to break up with. I suggest having a heart-to-heart with your parents.
As for your question, yes ... you will get over the guy. It's a shame that you were forced to break it off with someone you felt comfortable with since, hey ... we don't live in a culture of arranged marriages! I mean, are they going to have to choose a potential husband for you? Talk to your parents. Please.
Wow. So you just willingly handed over the possible love of your life all because of fear. Yes, eventually you'll get over it, but you'll always regret it. Years from now, when you still cater more to your familys desire for your life than your own, you'll look back and wonder if it's all been worth it. Here you are, an adult, still very much acting and being treated like a child. IMHO, if your family so controls your life that the mere fact of having a BF (one who is "great" no less) being in it is cause for them to yank you out of school, then maybe having them pay for it isn't such a good idea. They'll always hold it over your head as a means to control you. Have they picked your major too?
Then again, maybe this is all a moo point. Since you so willingly gave him up, he must not have been worth it. You weren't forced to break up with him, you chose it. You didn't even go to your family and seek their approval. You didn't even give your XBF a chance with your family, you just forfeited and gave up.
Edited 1/10/2005 10:51 am ET ET by angelicafox
Sammy,
Speaking as the mother of a 19-years old son, I can relate to your father's stand. You give the impression that you are ready emotionally to enter into an adult relationship that *may* affect your future. However, you are not ready financially to go forward with an adult education that *will* affect your future.
Your parents are making sacrifices, whether you see it or not, that will improve your life, not theirs. In their wisdom, your parents are insisting that you focus on school, so that you can have the independence, education, and experience to become a contributor to society. The fact that you may have to follow their rules to get what you need is a tough lesson on the realities of being an adult. We all have to give up something once in awhile to achieve what is in our best interest.
You did not indicate your ethnic background, but I suspect that you get a great deal of joy and frustration from it. The fact that your parents are there to provide for you, even though they are not legally required to, must give you comfort. Having a meddling family member such as you aunt is obviously not as enjoyable. It is very difficult to learn to combine your family cultural views with a society that seems to allow more freedom. But, as you truly become an adult, you will be better able to handle these differences, and formulate for yourself what best suits you.
That being said, you will have to begin acting like an adult. That means sitting down and talking to your parents about your future, interests, and friends. You made assumptions about how your father would react without ever letting him find out about you. You may have been able to continue the friendship if you had been more truthful from the beginning (another adult traid, btw).
At 19, you *will* be able to get over this situation. You are missing him physically and emotionally because he was sooo different. At my age, it isn't any easier. The relationship ended because you are not prepared for the adult responsibilities in life. Cut your aunt some slack, and don't be in such a rush to grow up. It's not all fun and games. In a few years, when you are ready to face the world, you can go searching for someone as wonderful as this man, if not the same man. If he is as wonderful as you say he is, he will understand and respect that your future is more important than the follies of your youth.
Take care,
Mimiche
WOW. You guys have given me a lot of input. I went to see him (R, my BF)today and he told me that my aunt called him and told him very politely to 'back off' and he said he'll do whatever I want him to. I know that I will regret not seeing him anymore. I think I'm going to sit down and talk to him, and see how he feels about me.
**The thing is that I'm at university because of student loans. I will have to pay all of it back after I'm done school.
I still have a chance to get back with him now, but if my aunt finds out (im betting she will) she'll tell my parents. My mother will be hurt and my father angry. I need to talk to R to find out how he is feeling about me. He's a very honest person (i'm not just being naive) but I don't know how to ask him. I mean, I don't want to come off sounding clingy or too apprehensive about him. I know he cares about me, I'm just not sure if it's worth putting my relationship with my family at risk. How do I ask him??