Never going to love again

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Never going to love again
5
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 7:12pm

Girls, I really need some support.

I'm really falling apart right now b/c I don't think I will ever love anyone again. Yes, it's really possible to do this. I promised myself that when my father left when I was 14 I wouldn't b/c it hurt too much. And I didn't for many years.

So of course I finally dated a guy I really liked, and I'm 37. And he's my ex who cheated on me and broke up with me on e-mail after a year.

I'm so devestated. I'll be able to go on, but I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone again. It just hurts too bad.

It's just very depressing to know that I will do this to myself but the alternative, to trust a guy again, is too painful.

I don't know what to do.

Ideas?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 11:11pm
I don't blame you for deciding never to love again after those you once loved and trusted hurt and betrayed you. I know it's safer to make yourself not love, but it is also lonely and sad. I'm sure you know this, but a part of life is taking risk, sometimes we fail and sometimes we succeed. It is in those times we fail that we learn and grow no matter the cost and pain. Give yourself time to heal your heart, but don't let it heal to that of stone. I know most of us is here because the men in our lives hurt us in some way or other, but I know that not all men are bad. There are truly some really amazing guys out there, it just takes some patience and an open heart to find them :o).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 11:58pm
I know exactly how you feel. My own father has broken my heart over the years too and I am on this board because my boyfriend broke my heart. But I know that one day, after I have learned what I need to learn from all of this, and my heart has healed that I will love again. It's hard to think of right now, since it is really painful, but I just think that if I end up closing off my heart forever and not letting another person in, I will have let them win. It's not their faults either, as I think my dad struggles in his life everyday and has no idea how he affects others (sad, but true) and my ex is just messed up in general. Maybe after I get over MY issues i will be in a better place to find someone that would never hurt me and actually feel horrible (and be able to express it) if they did. That's my hope, anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 11:54am

Thank you both, you made my day. I really was afraid I'd get some lame-ass response like "Oh, you can't do THAT!" Yes, I can and I did. I'm glad you understand.

Your comments, not healing to stone and about how messed up these guys (dads) are are great.

I know my father & my ex were very spoiled by their parents and there's nothing like a spoiled man to make anyone's life miserable. My ex got very defensive always when I talked about my dad, saying he wasn't like him. I never said he was, but I guess he KNEW he was like him.

There may be some great guys out there, but the problem is too, I'm just not apparently attracted to them. Of course I keep dating guys like my dad (who incidentally is a preacher, but has left 2 families of kids in their pre-school and pre-teen years and now is married a third time to a woman with no small kids).

I'll just have to realize that these two guys, my ex and my dad, are just about the most messed-up guys I have ever met. I mean who cancels a girl meeting his parents after confirming it the night before, and has someone else in his bed at the same time? Why not cancel weeks before, better yet, break up when I am out of the country instead of cheating on me in front of my face. It's so f*d up. That's not the only thing, there are lots more. But who keeps saying I don't want to lose you and crying and then cheats just a few weeks later? Who leaves family after family with kids? Only really really messed up guys.

Anyhow, I'll keep your words and thoughts in my heart. I don't know how I am going to get through this, especially since I can't seem to stop reading his e-mail where he is now dating 5 girls at once but considering that he's lying to all of them, why would I want that?

I hope I am able to figure out how to get over this and move on. And yes, love again. I just sure don't know how to do that. And I'm not sure I'll ever figure it out.




Edited 11/8/2006 12:01 pm ET by devuchka

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:12pm

Devuchka,

I know it's hard to believe right now, but you WILL love again. I've been hurt so many times, but it's part of the game. It just means that there is a better love out there for you. Want some proof for yourself? Try keeping a notebook for the next 365 days and for each day, mark the top of the page for the journal entry until you count down to the last day of the year. Meanwhile, keep going out, join a dating site. I bet that if you look over your notebook in one year and keep your heart open, you will have found love or atleast a better relationship.

I would also recommend a therapist to talk to, to help you resolve some of the pain and brokenness your dad caused.

I hope this helps.

GB

Gal Blondie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 6:03pm

I don't know how long it has been since your ex broke up with you but don't ever think you won't fall in love again because I bet you will. My ex literally ran from our relationship 5 months ago and I am still an emotional mess at times. There are days where I tell myself that I won't love anyone as deep as him but I am also still trying to heal my heart and it is very natural to feel this way during the healing process. Right now, just concentrate on healing yourself and don't worry about finding love (that will happen when you are healed). Take this time to surround yourself with people who love you which are family and friends.

Take Care!