Never thought he would do this

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2014
Never thought he would do this
Mon, 01-06-2014 - 9:57pm

Hi, I am really looking for some advise. My boyfriend dumped me after almost a year together. I feel quite pathetic, I am a 34 year old woman who has not been in many long term relationships due to a previous toxic relationships with my sons father. I have been in therapy and have gotten back on my feet- it took me quite a number of years but i finally found my confidence and allowed myself to start dating again. Over the last five years or so I have dated here and there, nothing serious and no one that I have fell in love with. Then last April, i met my boyfriend.... He broke down all my walls and I fell in love with him. He was everything I was looking for in a partner--soulmate-- husband-- whatever you wish to call it. We moved quite fast, faster than I normally would have, but we were in love. He set the speed of our relationship and I was all in... We spent a lot of time together, he asked for a monogomous relationship within the first month of us dating and he introduced me to his family with in six weeks. He has been married twice before, he claims his first wife fell out of love with him and his second wife cheated on him. He knew I had never been married and definately was interested in getting married one day. We never really talked about it because in my opionon I thought we were going to be together forever and marriage was just inevitable. We grew very close and within about 3 months I introduced him to my 10 year old son and my family. Not a day went by that we didn't speak on the phone. he always made me and my son a priority. Things were going great! He would sometimes tease me and call me MRS. (insert his last name), his mom called me her daughter in law, sister and brother called me their sister in law. All of these great signs that were pointing me in the safe and secure direction of us becoming a family. Six months into our relationship and my son had to be put in the hospital and he was such a huge rock for me. He let me cry, he listened to my fears, and he soothed me at night. While my son was in the hospital I got displaced from my home, and he kindly offered me to stay with him. Long story short I told him it was short term until I could find somewhere else to live, but he insisted I stay there even mentioning my son and I move in. We talked in length about it and I finally agreed, his lease was coming up in three months and it was a one bedroom so we were going to look for a bigger place..... well, he got spoooked. And I understood that- I even moved out, found another place for my son and I to live and we continued dating. But it was still a bad fight... i felt slightly confused and let down, but I loved him and he continued to love me....  Fast forward a few weeks later.... we had previously discussed moving in together after he signed another lease for his apartment, we didn't have an exact time frame but it was understood that it would be less than a year.  Well he never told me until I found out a week before Christmas that he resigned his lease for 18 more months, putting us to June of 2015....I got upset and backed off bc I really started to get scared. He got mad at me and dumped me... DUMPED me... after speaking to each other every day and being with each other 3-4 days a week he dumps me via text, blocks me on facebook and doesn't give me any explanation excpet to say he is never getting married again, he knows that is something I want and he doesn't think he will ever want it. And it's best to end things now.... I am totally like WTF!! I am miserable. I have tried to reach out to him, but he has cut me off. He asked for his key bac(which he gave me 4 months into our relationship)   and basically told me never to contact him again... What happened? Its been almost three weeks since I saw him and heard his voice and almost 2 weeks since he broke my heart. I don't know what to think or do.... I try to get up each day and be strong and put on a brave face. I cry almost every day. I feel like this is my fault, then I realize he is obviously afraid of committment. But the pain I am in, i feel like I would exchange that just to be with him for the rest of my life even if we never got married.....But he wants nothing to do with me, and I feel hurt and rejected. I let him in.....he was my everything....

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Mon, 01-06-2014 - 10:55pm

~hugs~ <3

I am so sorry that you are going through this...:(...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2014
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 9:00am

I suppose the hardest part of all of this is being cut off.  Where does the Love go? Where did his love for me go? I do hope that he will reach out to me, even if it's not to get back together or work on things, but to be civil adults. We live in the same community, we don't share mutual friends, but I am just really shocked by this behavior. I am guilty of thinking "what if" and "I should have kept my mouth shut".... but I never thought that expressing my fears would cause this much anguish....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 11:45am

If you have to keep your thoughts to yourself to keep a guy, then it's not exactly a good relationship is it?--it would be very one sided

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2014
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 12:52pm

I guess what I meant to say instead of keeping my mouth shut, I wish I had approached him in a different way and communicated this issue in person. It was via text....the initial conversation about his resigning of the lease, I should have waited and discussed in person. That's the only thing I can think of that I wish I could go back and change. I'm not sure if that would have changed the outcome, we probably would have still ended things, but at least I wouldn't be left in the dark.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 5:57pm

So sorry!  How painful this must be.  

Well, you know the old (and annoying) saying.  Better to get this all over with now.  

It was over when he signed an 18 month lease for a one bedroom.  He followed his instinct, as he should.  It is just so unfortunate that he had to end it the way he did.  You did not do anything wrong.  Any adult knows to take a text with a grain of salt and that it needs to be discussed in person.  

And you should take pause when dating someone after 2 divorces.  I just remarried for the 3rd time, so that by itself is not necessarily a deal breaker, but in all fairness it is a reason for pause.  

I know you are hurting, but this is all really for the best.  Also remember that is okay to have a serious, long-term relationship and not live together or get married until your child is an adult.  It is not uncommon and I don't see anything wrong with it.  If my DH died or left tomorrow, I would not live with another man until my DD13 was grown.  

Hang in there, you will be okay.  

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2011
Fri, 01-10-2014 - 4:12pm


hes real trash...

deal with it like u treat trash...

get rid of the trash and trash the trash

move on and may you overcome what he did to you.....

confidence! get up and be an example

it wont be easy but the outcome is overwhelmingly great.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2014
Tue, 01-14-2014 - 8:39pm

So let me see if I get this straight. Your dream man comes along at the age of 34, you got a kid, had bad relationships. He rools out the red carpet for you. Is there for you in every conceivable way, even wants to provide for you. You say over and over he is everything to you and moving quickly the same direction with YOUR SON (this is a rarity trust me) He signs a long term lease to take care of you and your son, you get upset about something petty with the communication and back away a little. Then he breaks up with you.

Are you kidding me? Lady, this guy has shown you something you have never been shown and in all likihood never will be shown again and you told him you;re not sure, indecisive and calus. In my humble opinion he did the right thing. the man proved himself to YOU and you played the all too typical nit picky, can;t make up your mind woman. And he saw the rest of the entire picture flash right before his eyes and got out before you made his life a living hell.