new breakup-confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
new breakup-confused
3
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 10:27am
Hi-

My bf and I were together for a little over a year. I had to move away 3 months ago to attend grad school. We are now 6 hours apart. He comes to visit this weekend, and in my view, for the sole purpose of breaking up. We've been having problems with distance, but I expected that, and he didn't. He wants everything to be easy, and when its not he shuts down. There are always things in a relationship that you need to work on, distance or not. I'm very hurt because to me, he was worth working for, and he did not feel the same. This is such a hard time. As I was looking forward to a life together someday soon, he was drifting away.

So yesterday he says, in regard to the relationship "I just want to have my cake and eat it too." I still want to talk to you every day, and see you, but I don't want to be in a long distance relationship with you, and it's not you it's just the distance. I told him that it was not possible, that I can't give him that right now, that I need to protect myself, but I really feel like it ended badly. Tears in the car on the way to the airport, and then me saying I don't want to talk to you right now, and he's saying "I'll call you tomorrow." I don't want to completely sever all ties, but I feel like it would be healthier for me in the long run. Should I call and tell him that, I don't want last night to be the last time I speak to him. I don't want him to remember me that way. I don't know if any of this makes sense right now, but thanks for listening.

Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 9:01pm
i definitely know how that feels. it's hard when you're willing to work for someone who's not willing to work for you.

my advice, although it's hard, try no contact, at least for a few days. just let you have some good old "you" time. really take this time to reflect on things. let yourself calm down enough to sort out your feelings. until you're sure of how you feel, it's probably NOT a good idea to talk to him. (how can you tell him how you feel when you aren't sure yourself?)

anyways, i know it's hard, but you're strong, and you can do this!

i'm here for you if you ever need anything.

aim: deathxbecomesher

email: blargleargle@yahoo.com

<3333,

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 9:11pm
Welcome to the board. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how painful LDR (Long Distance Relationships)'s can be and how frustrating it is when they end soley because of the distance. You gave it a try and that's all you could do. I'm glad you stuck to the guns and aren't setteling for whatever he wants to give you. If you want to be friends with him later down the line....I would go ahead and call him...tell him you want to be friends but you can't right now and that you need some time to yourself and you'll contact him when you're ready for a friendship. Then after that, don't contact him anymore until you're completely over him and truly can be friends. I went through this with my last ex and it worked out great and now we're best friends but I think we would have failed if we would have went right into being friends after the break-up. Just stay busy....take up a new hobby, redecorate a room in your house, make new friends....anything to stay busy. Good luck and keep us posted!!











Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 9:40pm

Good for you!! That was a very strong (yet difficult) move to make. Despite what you are feeling in your heart right now, you did the right thing. You can't be friends with someone so soon after you break up - it's just not possible. I know how bad you want to call him or email him, but I don't think you should. It will not allow you to move on. And, I know that in your heart right now, you are hoping things aren't over for good. And, maybe that is the case. But if it is...let him come to you. In the meantime, you need to keep yourself occupied - I'm sure school is a distraction. I always say, you want to be with someone who is 100% sure they want to be with you, and you deserve nothing less than that.

Trust me, I wish I would have taken my own advice, because I have called and emailed my exes. The truth is that every time I have done so, I never get the response I want. I always end up feeling worse than if I wouldn't have called.

I truly beleive if he will change his mind, he'll let you know,