The new girlfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
The new girlfriend
7
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 7:13pm


My Ex of 6 months is in a relationship with a awful girl. She pursued him while we together and she has reputation to match her behavior. She worked in the same company and has gotten around (know what I mean). My Ex and I were together for 7 years and I never thought he'd cheat. My problem now is not that I want him back, I actually think she did me a favor, but my heart is breaking for the decisions he's making. Everyone including his family can see thru this girl, but he can't. A friend described it as an addiction, like he's addicted to drugs but only it a person. She's manipulative, deceptive and generally creates stories around herself to make herself sound better. I feel so sad for him and I feel helpless to do anything. After all the pain he put me through I can't believe I still care, but I do. I'm thinking of talking to him but I don't know what that would do. Maybe he'd listen, maybe not. We're in a situation that we have to see each other every day, which is difficult but things are finally getting better.

Should I talk to him??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 9:09pm
He's a big boy and can make his own decisions. Some people only learn the hard way. I seriously doubt anything you or his family will say will make a bit of difference...it may even encourage him to stay with her just out of rebellion. Spend more time caring about yourself...it's what we all need to do after a break-up.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 11:57pm
No, don't speak with him about it. First of all, he probably wouldn't listen. When people are in love they don't listen to what anyone has to say about their beloved. Secondly, he's your ex, leave him in the past where he belongs. Three, let go of him and move on. He can take care of himself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 9:04am
It's amazing, sometimes you don't realize how stupid something sounds until you put it out there.

Thanks:)

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 9:46am
Nah, not stupid, just a natural inclination. You want to protect him because you loved him. But you're also jealous maybe and hoping that he would come back to you ... It's too bad you have to see him. That can make it kind of hard to heal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 11:16am
LJ, you've already gotten good advice, but I'm going to reference a post from a woman on the From Abandonment to Healing board. She has been in a similar position, working with her ex and concerned about him, trying to foster his career, worried that he's ruining his life by starting up an affair with the office tramp, still caring and looking out for him, etc. She's been in that position for *15 YEARS.* Cautionary tales don't get much more extreme than that. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlabandonmen&msg=6827.1

Anyway, I'm sure you've gotten the right advice here, I'm going to post what I told her, just for reinforcement.

"Of course you're still emotionally involved with him. You've written a very long post, and one that is filled with your sense of 'betrayal' and hurt by his conduct. You're not just friends with him, you're still in love with him. Here's how you know - you wish your friends the best, of course. You hate to see them make what appear to you to be mistakes with their lives. You tactfully attempt to dissuade them from a course of action that you think will hurt them. You recognize that it is, after all, their life, and you stand by to offer support when the crisis comes. Period. If one of my girl friends started up having an 'emotional affair' or an outright physical one with some guy while she was married, I would be concerned for her, I'd try not to be judgmental (not my place to make a moral pronouncement about it, just to think about her getting hurt), and I'd have to decide if I felt comfortable hearing about the affair and lending emotional support when it all went wrong. But that's it. I wouldn't feel personally betrayed because my friend was having an affair. I might think she was making a mistake with her life and rejecting my wise counsel, but I'd be posting a pre-"told you so" sort of message in the tone of "why are some people so blind to the inevitable outcome of this sort of affair."

You're taking it personally, as a "betrayal" of you, because you have feelings for him. Because you wanted to be his little confidante. Because you had a sort of intimacy with him, even if it was not physical. Because you were his special girl, the other woman he turned to when his wife didn't understand him. Because he was having that "emotional affair" with you, and now he's replaced you with someone else. While your situation is somewhat unusual in terms of the duration of these circumstances, the same advice everyone gets on the boards applies to you, too. If you have feelings for a man you cannot have (he's broken up with you, he's married, he's married AND he has an affair partner so his dance card is definitely full, he's Mr. Wrong with a capital "w" and you've taken all you can, whatever the situation is), the only way to deal with it is to cut off contact with him. "But I work with him" is a protest people commonly voice. Well, how closely do you need to work with him? Avoid him if you can, no "friendly" chatting in the break room, no unnecessary contact at all. And think about changing jobs. This relationship and your unresolved feelings have taken up a good part of your life already, a drastic change may be required to purge this from your system. Is it really unthinkable to change jobs, or are you refusing to consider it just to preserve your link to him?

Moreover, you say that you want to see him excel, you're vested in his success, but why? He's essentially a stranger to you. He has a wife, who has a legitimate personal stake in his success. Given the nature of your past relationship, you're not the best possible mentor or cheerleader for him. And what are you getting out of it? Other than watching the drama of his life, what do you get out of keeping your toe in his life, caring about his success, whatever? Doesn't it just hurt you to keep him in your life but not be involved with him? Doesn't it prevent you from forming new relationships with other men? What is the point of personally caring if this ex-lover succeeds? If he does, how does that benefit you? It's fine to wish everyone the best, but to expend effort and worry over an ex-lover who is clearly not available to you, it's just a waste of your attention and affection, which would be better spent showered on yourself. How about focusing all that attention you have for his career and his success on YOUR career and your success, how about patting yourself on the back for what you've done and devoting 100% of your energies to moving your own life forward? Not everything in life is quid pro quo, but getting something in return for all your giving is a concept unfortunately alien to some women, while it's something men tend to expect. This man is lapping up your attention, he knows you're his devoted cheerleader, he reaps the rewards from that, and why would he ever stop that association while he's receiving the benefit of it, and he has to do absolutely nothing to encourage you to be this concerned about him, he doesn't have to give you a thing in exchange. But you, you're just giving, just expending energy on him, and without getting anything in return. Except that's not entirely true - you had decided in your mind that these conversations with him, these little intimacies, that was what you were getting in exchange for all your support and encouragement and availability. And you're now outraged that he's refusing to give even that token exchange that you were willing to accept before. Now what are you getting for all your giving? Of course, even his allowing himself to be available to you, that's not worth much, that's not real giving. Convince yourself you don't want to throw your devotion and acceptance and support into a black hole, and find someone who deserves that energy and will give back something in return, even if that someone is just yourself."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 1:28pm
Wow..That could be my future.

My heart breaks for her I can totally understand what she's going through. You gave excellent advice as always Milton. I guess my EX isn't the only one to fall for the manipulating office tramp. Why are men so vulnerable to getting their ego's stroked? How can it fundamentally change who they are?

Thanks for sharing that post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:55pm
my ex fell for the young supple college girl..he works at a 4 year college ( he 45 she 24) she told him her sad life story and he felt so bad for her he had to sleep with her i guess. now they are running arounfd the college with nothing but whispers..do i feel sad.. hell no