New Girlfriend works in my building...
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|Thu, 09-23-2010 - 7:35am|
Hi All, I don't know what to write, I don't know what's going to help...but I just need to put this down on paper.
We broke up nearly 5 months ago. We work together, have known each other from a previous company, and when he joined here, started hanging out.
But after almost 2 years, it was dysfunctional, he was abused as a kid and had some bad issues. I tried. I cried. I begged him to hold my hand and touch me when he was sober. To make love. I couldn't be a secret anymore from the world, not being introduced to any friends etc, so when he wouldn't change his ways, saying he has tried...it was over....and all I was left with was a Cocaine habit, very low self-esteem and a tiredness i still can't shake.
Been hard to see him here. I wanted to have his kids, marry him etc. But I found the strength from somewhere. We don't speak, i greet polite etc.
BUT he texted me last week, said he needed to talk about something private. Yip. He was seeing someone. My first reaction was: you're NOT ready for a relationship, you have too much demons to sort out. ANYWAY: it's a girl who works on our Lower Ground Floor. I know her. I've been out with her. I see her all the time, small building, we all use the same reception (they rent a few desks from us)....
I was VERY shocked to say the least.....how could they? But i know better to fight it. So I said to him and emailed her: Thanks for telling me, I wish you a happy future. I've been polite etc. But i see them outside talking, smoking, walking for lunch and i'm HURTING....which is normal, but for years, after 3 very bad relationships i'm ALWAYS the one hurting...and they just find someone right away, or in last 2 cases (maybe even third!!), cheated on me and now with those girls.
I'm just sad for myself today - but I don't want any pitty. I need to keep believing that my happiness is coming and that i'm fine and a great person......I'm just SO tired in my head....wondering why? Asking: when is it my time to shine?
But untill that day comes, I'm going to swallow this lump in my throat, put on my smile, and keep going like I'm just absolutely great! Just had to take 5 minutes out and acknowledge that I'm sad right now.....
Thanks for listening. xxx