New Here and Can't Stop Hurting

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
New Here and Can't Stop Hurting
1
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 3:28pm

Hello all...First I would like to send hugs to all who is hurting and my prayers of support to get through these horrible times life has to offer.

I am 19 years old and have been through much in my life. No, I haven't been through the hurricane or ever had to experience a death of the family or have ever gotton in a life threatening accident, etc...but my heart feels like it's been through it all. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful I haven't been through any of the above or similar and feel imsensly for the people who have, but I guess we have all got different views on what situation(s) feel like the end of the world.

The more I think of it, I'm not sure if breaking up is the worst thing that has ever happened to me because I am sure there are worse things that could happen like becoming poverty stricken or shot down with a serious illness, etc...but for now I guess I should deal with one thing at a time and let you all know my story because I have been lurking these boards for so long and feel that I should be contributing in some way, even if I can't give out some great support advice just yet...Here's my story, though it may be lengthly-

Background: I moved out of my parents house 3 weeks after I turned 18 -June 2004. I couldn't get along with my stepdad anymore, so my mom helped me get my own 1 bdr apt. I work full-time and go to college full time, so I kept myself busy with a hectic schedule and loads of homework, (which I can't seem to get done anymore). I was never a social person and didn't have many friends to start out with because of lack of time and oppurtunity to meet them. I do suffer from depression and anxiety since I was little, which is a factor in why I feel so bad now. I started therapy on my own with a great psychiatrist, whom I still contiue to see now, and joined a group he had with teens and young adults my age to help deal with skills and coping in general because of past experiences. That's where my relationship stemed: I met a girl in the group, lets call her *D* whom I started to hang out with. Whenever I had time or she was bored and wanted to hang out, she would drag me out, do my hair and pick me out an outfit. We would go out and generally have a good time...So I go into surgery around 6PM and have my mom pick me up at 8:30PM. She took me to go get my pain pills and called B to tell him I would be home at 9PM. B said he would be there and that he was just finishing his game of golf.

It all happened on New Years Eve. D called and said her other friends weren't available so she told me to get ready and she would come over and we would hang out together. I didn't really want to because I generally have no energy left for play, but since school was out, I told her okay. She came over and we dropped by a few parties and then had to go to her house by midnight because she was on probabtion at the time and had a curfew -mind you she was 18 as well and lived with her Dad and was *single*. We got to her house and her Dad told her to please stay in. She was a wild child and had depression and drug isues herself, so her Dad was generally worried about her and the things she did.

We ended up sneaking out at 2:00AM, which was weird because I lived on my own and didn't need to sneak out, but she insisted that we needed to go over to her friends house that she worked with because she had a crush on him.

We got to this house. 3 guys lived there -*B*(22), *S*(24) and *J*(25). B and S were brothers and J was a friend whom D worked with. We walked in and B met us at the door. He looked at me in amazement and said "Whoa!, Damn!" and then me and D went upstairs to join the end of the party. I was sitting there at a table all anxious and weirded out because I hadn't been too social and felt shy. So then B sits down next me to me, drunker then all **** and starts to talk to me. There was a girl sitting next to him, who I later found out was his g/f, but he didn't seem to care, which was weird and at the end of the night, B ended up asking for my # before I left b/c his brother S got mad and kicked everyone out. I thought nothing of it and gave it to him, laughing inside b/c I didn't expect a call.

Well 3 weeks later, still no call, but I didn't expect it nor care. D wants to go out again and since I had a bad day at work I sluffed off my homework and told her to come over and get me ready. We ended up going over to B, S, and J's house b/c I got impulsive and told her to call J to tell them we were coming over.

We got there -now Jan. 18, 2005 and J was at the table with liquor and B was rushing around getting ready and S was gone. When everyone finally sat down at the table, we started a drinking game with playing cards. Everyone was having a good time and surprisingly I was too! I later found out that B and his then g/f had broken up on Jan. 9th, 2005 because she had kicked in his glass door and that was the straw that broke that relationships' back. I also found out that the reason why he didn't call me was because his ex had found the number I had given him and threw it away. Before the end of the night I had gathered that B was 22, worked full-time as a framer, and the house we were in, the house he lived in, was the one he and S had grown up in with their mom, who rents out the place to B, S, and J. By the end of the night me and B ended up in his bed. Yes, I know -slutty, but I had some sort of weird sense that this guy was different...

Me and D left around 3AM and I guess J and D got lucky too. Mind you J had/has a G/F, which I thought was wrong, but hey who am I to judge?!

From that night on, me and B continued to see eachother and go out to his fav. bar where he was a pool shark and just had fun in generally playing card and board games with his roomies. We were exclusive on Jan. 31, 2005. Yes, I know -fast.

We spent everyday together. I would usually spend the night at his house and we would watch movies and basketball. Then on Feb. 6, 2005, he wanted me to join him at his parents house for the basketball tournament and meet his parents. I left my apt at halftime that Sunday and arrived to meet his mom and live-in boyfriend in this beautiful house with family and friends there. S and J were there also with their girlfriends and his mom seemed really nice and I guess she liked me! She said how cute I was and to have a martini.

That night we seemed to get closer and closer. I had never been involved in an exclusive relationship before and I was getting more and more comfy with the idea. Although, B was a great guy and seemed to adore me, I figured out that him and everyone he hung out with was only into drinking and partying. Many of these people seemed to be alcoholics, especially his roomies and Mom and well, himself. Although he never treated me bad -we actually didn't fight or argue at all the first 3 months, but he never had any money and seemed to be always broke. Therefore, I was usually the one to pay for the liquor -and ?I didn't even drink, and I would always pay for the movies we watched and we always used my car since I later found out his car was an embarressment to him b/c it was a POS.

On Apr. 1, 2005, B invited me to his Mom's B/F's 50th B-day party at some bar a ways away. I decided to meet him there because I went shopping for a new outfit and would make him late if I picked him up. I arrived around 8PM and everyone was having a good time. B introduced me to more of his family that was there and seemed to be drinking along with everyone else. I ordered a glass of wine to lossen up, but I was on antibiotics that prohibited me from drinking alcohol, so I got weesy and put it down. I started feeling really uncomfy b/c I didn't really know anyone well enough to feel comfy there, so I jetted out without telling anyone, B was playing pool at this time. I got a call from him an hour later wondering what happened and he begged me to come back so I did a couple hours later.

When I got there is was almost midnight and I guess there was a pool tournament S and B were in and some guy cheated so B and S lost out on money. By the end of the night, everyone was very drunk and B and S got into a verbeal fight and their mom split it up and started crying as well b/c she was drunk too. I ended up taking B home while his mom took S home. There mom told me and B to go to my place so B and S could let this whole argument boil down. Well B wanted to go to his local bar he always hangs at and pick up a fish tank from the bartender that he promised him. I said okay and he went inside and didn't come out until 30 min. later. I was pissed!! He had a beer in his hand and no fishtank. He also had J's phone so I thought we should go drop it off at his house so I didn't have to waste gas and do it the next day considering B would stay with me all weekend. Well, we got there and B goes to the door saying he needed to get clothes. The next thing I hear is banging and yelling. I walked in and sae B hovering over S with his fist in his face. I pull him off of S and tell him to GET OUT! GO TO THE CAR! B says OK, but whips around and bags his bro's head into the wall, literally making a hole in the wall with his bro's head and then threw him down the stairs. Now B is about 5'9 and pretty built because he works construction, but his bro is taller then him, but they were both so drunk that S couldn't defend himself because B can still be really drunk, but act really sober and control himself when he wants to when he is sh**faced.

We ended up leaving and this is when B stays at my apt for a while. He wasn't wanted at his bro's house, but he could still go back if he wanted, but decided to stay with me for a while. He went and got his car and some clothes when everyone was at work a few days later and this is when me and B because addicted to staying with eachother. I would still go to work and school and he would be home waiting for me every night. We were inseperable, but I started noticing things about him that I thought were red flags, but brushed off. Things like he would always have beer in the fridge, smoke a whole lot of packs of cigs a week, and was still always broke, living from paycheck to paycheck. He was still good about paying rent and the minimal bills he had, but generally I was always the one who paid for things. I started resenting him for this at this point, now May 2005, and still staying with me -been a month now- but I could never say anything because I loved him so much. (Mind you he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me one day because he had never felt like this with anyone else). The only reason I could afford to pay for things is because I am/was a big saver. I am mad because he made 2X as much as me and was always broke, but I couldn't understand why?!

Anyways, around May 20, 2005 -I went into surgery because of high-risk HPV I contracted from being raped a few years ago. B took me to the hospital and said he would stay with me and take me home and take care of me because I had to be put under and have a very painful laser surgery done. Well, my surgery got post-poned because my doc was so behind and had to delay my surgery for a few more hours. B didn't like this because he wanted to go play golf b/c now the whole day was going to be wasted waiting. I told him to go and have fun because I didn't want to tie him down just because I was and really didn't expect him to stay with me, even though I would have liked him to for the support...One thing that makes this breakup so hard is that I do have this STD and he accepted it. Why should anyone else want to? And that's a big reason why I was so thankful for him, because he accepted me and still loved me because he looked past all that...

So I woke up around 10PM and there B walks in smelling of liquor and I was just completely confused? Turns out he had went to a bar after golf and got wasted. I asked him to leave because I was the one legally intoxicated by anestiseia(SP?) and he was intoxicated by liquor! The doc ordered someone to stay by my side for 24 hours -SOMEONE SOBER!! I ended up locking B out of my room only to hear a loud bang on my door. He had punched a hole in my door! I was so angry and hurt that he would do this because he was suppose to be taking care of me! I was in so much pain and shouldn't have been out of bed. So I went into the living room to get my phone charger b/c my phone was dead and call my mom to come over and get me. He put his hands around my neck and shook me for minute. I got out of his hold only for him to call me horrible names and tell me what a B**ch I was etc, etcc...finally my mom fot there and kicked B out, only to have begging me to not make him leave and told me how sorry he was. But when he finally left he called me a Biotch and slammed my front door.

I couldn't breathe. I know at this point I should respect myself and let him go, but YES, I did get all dolled up and went to his place and told him what a dick he was and took him back. He promised he wouldn't ever do it again and that he would cut back on drinkning.

To make a long story shot, we ended up moving in together into a townhome we hunted for on June 18, 2005. Everybody was so against it, but me and B wanted to be with eachother day in and day out so we thought living together, in a new home that would be ours, would be a start to something more. What the hell did I know though, right, I mean I was only 19 by then and thought it was the right thing to do because we thought this was all meant to happen, like it fell into place...

Although our mom's were okay with it and nobody told us NOT to do it, my boss and close friends, NOT D though, told me I am young and that I have my whole life ahead of me. They said considering what had already happened with him, that I was making a mistake. I ignored them. B was ready to settle down and we even started trying to conceive, I know, I know, don't say anything yet..haha.

Well the whole living together thing turned out to not be so great. The first night -the day we moved in, B started drinkning and had a few friends over. He wouldn't help me to unpack anything so I got mad and put my bed together and slept downstairs the first night. The next day is the day it all went downhill. Though the bills were always paid on time, he was still always broke. Even broker than before. We never had food in the fridge and never got to go out on dates. I would always be either mad or depressed and we would always fought because I wasn't happy with B's priorities or how he spent his money. I started to become controlling and almost acting like a mother figure instead of his G/F. I would nag him to save, go to school, get a degree, clean up, get car insurance, get a cell phone, etc, etc...He finally got car insurance b/c he got a ticket for no insurance and expired tags. He should of got a DUI, but he played it off so well that the cops didn't give him a blow test because he passed the sobriety tests!

Now I am not saying I was perfect at all because it looks as though I am only naming the bad things that happened and making everyone look bad because I am keying in on the negative. I have my faults too, I was mad that I was always broke -broker than before and maybe a little homesick too. I took a lot of my feelings out on B and I know I shouldn't have said or done a lot of the things I did and I still feel guily for that. B did have good qualities: he would always try to make up for what he did wrong, he always loved me throughout it all and even said he would rather be broke than be without me. I guess I tried to think how he did, but I seemed to just get more and more depressed. Thoughtout this time, my work was suffering to the pt of me almost getting fired. I wasn't in college because it was the summer and decided to take it off so I could adjust to moving in and living with B and getting on routine again. But my friendships suffered and mostly B and I suffered.

B decided that we would go on a canoe trip for B's 23rd B-day. His mom paid for me and B to go, or we couldn't of gone because nobody had the extra money, so his mom did it as a b-day gift to B because he wouldn't go unless I went. His mom also paid for his Bro S b/c he is always broke as well. One of B's co-workers went who was also 23 and brought with him his lil' sis *M*,their girl cousin and his aisan g/f. So 7 people total. This trip was the trip from all hell.

To make a long story short, I didn't want to go in the first place because of all the problems we were having, but B made me, while my mom begged me not to go. We got there after the 3 hour road trip and this place was the sh** slums of Butt-F'ed Egypt! I freaked out because I didn't want to share a 7 person cabin with 4 people I didn't know all crammed up on bunkbeds 20 feet high on the wall overlooking the tiny kitchen and bathroom. Call me a city girl and a wimp, but I'll be damned if there is only 2 couples on this trip of which should have first dibbs on the only 2 bdrs, while there are 3 single people who should of taken the 3 sky high bunkbeds. I secretly ran off and explained me and B's story to the manager of the campsite, while bawling and freaking out, and he gratefully let me sleep in a 10 person cabin all by myself for the whole weekend. B tried to run after me, but I told him to go away and not follow me. He was, of course, drunk and that's most of the reason why I didn't want to stay in the cabin b/c everyone would be drinking and smoking and doing illegal drugs and call me prim and proper, but there is no way I would be a part of that in such a small space anyways! EWW!

So the next day which was Sat. I went to their cabin to visit B and wish him a happy b-day...yes I know, don't say anything...(Happy??, hah!) Well I got there and B was sitting their drunk and sooooo stoned. He looked and me, cussed me out, and told me he was moving out when he got home. I know he was just saying that because we were stuck in a year lease and I knew he would come crying and begging me to stay when we got home.

I left the cabin and tried to hitchhike home. I was stopped by the managers and people around who knew what was going on and told me they would find me a ride home later that night because a lot of people would be going the same way I was headed. I ended up meeting a guy who was headed my way on Sunday and said he would take me home the next day. I said okay went with him to hang out with his group at a campsite down the road. It was fun. It felt like my vacation had just started.

Come Sunday AM I woke up with this guy next to me. I know.. I had invited him to come back to my cabin instead of sleeping in his tent. We didn't have sex or anything of that nature, but did make out a little that night. I felt vulnerable and pissed at B so I thought I needed to get my mind off him for a while. I know I cheated even though we didn't have sex or anything close to it.

B showed up walking around by my cabin so I went outside. He told me we were going home and to come on. He looked like pure hell and smelled of smoke and liquor. I told him I had a ride and that I was leaving him when we got home. He started bawling right there outside and begging me not to leave. He said we would talk about it when we got back and so I reluctantly told the guy in my cabin to call me and that I had to leave with my crew I came with. I gave the guy the key and told him to turn it into the manager before he left and to tell him I was sorry.

On the car ride home, I didn't say a thing to him. We finally got to his bros house and unpacked his things. I was walking around the street on my cell phone trying to get a ride to get back to the townhome, but I couldn't get ahold of anyone. B kept on following me around the street. I then ran to his neighbors frontyeard and B got so mad that I wouldn't talk to him because all I could say was leave me alone and I am moving out that he slammed me up one a brick wall and put his fist in my face. Calling me names, he grabbed my cell and threw it and crushed it!

I had ran to a neighbors because I was scared and called the cops because I couldn't get ahold of ne1 to come and take me to my car at my townhome. The cops took a report, but wouldn't arrest him.

The cops took me home. I left for a while and then came back and saw B packing his things to stay at his bros. He was a little more sober now and started crying and so I begged him to tell his Bro to leave and just stay. I know that this all sounds so dimented, but I wanted to talk to him. I felt so stuck because in reality we were stuck in a years lease and I didn't want to screw up my credit and get evicted. As much as I wanted my 1 bdr apt, stable routine life back, I didn't even want to think of all the work "the end" would entitle.

So I explained to B that I had messesd around with some guy and told him the whole spiel. He got mad, but forgave me. I was a little confused, but we were doing okay for about a week until he came home from work one day. He called me at work crying, saying that I as going to leave him and that he was the biggest POS ever.. I was like, calm down, we'll talk when I get home.

I found out that everyone at his work wanted to kick his @$$ because he had slept with M on Sunday AM when everyone was asleep. B works with 4 guys who are all brothers and one of the brothers owns the business. The guy who came on the trip was the youngest brother -who works wit B and was the one who brought his aisan g/f and sister *M* and their cousin. I guess *M* is 18, a vigin and had a crush on B since she was little. He swore he couldn't remember what happened, but he knew he didn't use a condom. I was furious! I didn't know what to do or how to feel. I called one of the brothers who told me what he know. Supposedly *M* and B were drunk and had been flirting all weekend and did "IT" on B bunkbed when everyone else was passed out.

So on to say, that this all happened within 3 weeks of living together and 6 months of being together. What a messed up situation, huh? I know you probably haven't got this far, I don't expect anyone to have gotton this far, but I guess I needed to get this off my chest because I am going crazy just thinking about it day in and day out.

I ended up putting an ad in the classifieds to have our townhome subleased. I got really lucky because 3 people were interested and one lady got accepted and moved in Oct. 1. I moved out Spt. 23, 2005.

It wasn't as hard as I thought it was. But now as I sat here and rehash only parts of our 8 month relationship the pain is errupting all over me again. I moved back in with my parents who are surprisingly glad to have me back. I moved in for the sole reason to save money and then get the hell outta there. I don't have it that bad though because I room in the basement bdr and my stepdad set up the basement as my own lil apt. It surprised the heck outta me! I don't have rent to pay or utilities:) But I do have other bills to keep on top of.

As for B -he moved back into his room at his Bros. The house we met. It's so sad to think that at any given moment he could meet someone else the way he did me. But I guess I have to keep thinking that he doesn't have much to offer to someone that actually has self-esteem! Obviously I didn't, but I don't want to come off as dogging on him only to make me feel better. How do I get over this whirlwind of events without believeing that I made the mistake of breaking us apart? I mean, I rented out the townhome and basically gave him no choice. I guess I like to think of it as I did the right thing and that that whole situation wasn't healthy for either of us. It looks like I have a lot of growing up to do and so does he, but I keep getting the urge to call him and wanting to be with him.

I know that this was probably the longest post ever in Ivillage history. If anyone got this far, please feel free to comment or if not, just sit there and try to digest the fact that you should be glad this wasn't you! You all take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 4:32pm
This was a very unstable relationship. You did the right thing by leaving. You never know if his violent temper could of been taken out on you like he did on his brother. It sounded like that is where it was headed. You are so young and seem to be heading in the right direction. You need to focus on yourself. I know it is hard to not contact him. I am going through the same urges. My relationship was a wonderful relationship that had its ups and downs. I ended the relationship because we wanted two different things in life. I am 29 and he is 24. I want to settle down and he doesn't. Even though he is a full time single parent. My point is that you are so young and have so much going for you and your future. Try to move on the best that you can, but don't ever doubt your decision. As for him meeting someone new, be sad for them because you know how he will treat her and in my opinion nobody deserves to be treated that way. He abused you and he will abuse her. Unless he gets some help and quits his drinking he will always be a violent person. I don't think it would be healthy for you to go back to him or try to get him back. Please stay strong for your own safety. Continue coming here when you need some encouragement and support. We are all here for each other.