New Here, My Story (long)
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| Wed, 01-17-2007 - 7:46pm |
Hi, all,
I posted on the living together board for a couple of years before (unfortunately) coming here.
I met my ex online about 7.5 years ago when I was just a freshman and college. We met in person about six months later--in fact he tutored me through my finals my first semester. At the time I was going to school in DC and he lived in Boston, so it was long distance. I moved off campus and got my own apartment during my second year of school and he moved down to live with me soon after. He had already finished college and we planned to start our life in DC. Before he moved down I told him I did want to be married, but wanted to finish school and start a career first. We agreed and created a timeline together.
Over the next several years things went well, I finished school and started my career. At that time he asked me if I would be willing to move to Boston with him and I agreed. He had spent the last four years away from his family and I was happy to stay on the East Coast.
So we moved to Boston, both started new jobs, rented a house and got a dog together, who we both love very much. We still talked about getting married and he seemed to be on board. We planned to be married by the time I was 26 and he was 28 or so--enough time to buy a house and enjoy being married for a bit before starting a family. When I was between 24 and 25, I started wondering if it was going to happpen. I didn't see why not, we'd always talked openly about it, we'd lived together for over five years, we had a dog together, etc. but I started bringing it up more often. I finally asked him one day if we could go look at rings and he started to back out.
This is where the resentment began to start. I felt he was trying to keep me in the relationship by promising marriage but never delivering and he felt that I was forcing him to do something he didn't feel ready for. The next year was really tough. I kept waiting and talking to him about it and he kept backing out at every turn. Finally, about six months ago, I told him I was going to move out and move 1,500 miles away. At that point he asked me to give him one more month and I said "no problem".
The month went by and at the end of the month he told me he was ready for marriage, so we started planning the wedding. We planned for a wedding on Martha's Vineyard on June 30th, 2007. However the day we went to put our deposit down, he backed out and told me he still wasn't ready. I knew something was wrong, he still hadn't even bought the engagement ring. I knew at that point I could hold his hand and help him through it or walk away. I knew we would not be happy if he wasn't 100% sure about it, so I walked away.
In November I moved half-way across the country. He brought me to the airport and we said our goodbyes. After leaving the airport, he went to the jewelers and bought my engagement ring. He then rented a vehicle, went home to pack and get our dog and then drove out to propose. He drove 25 hours without stopping to sleep. And when he got to my house? He backed out. He said he came out to bring me our dog (I planned to get settled before getting the dog) and didn't tell me that the ring was in his pocket for several hours.
Needless to say, he drove back to Boston and I insisted on no contact.
He still contacts me to tell me that he misses me and I think he's still very confused. He knows that I have to travel back to Boston often because I still work for my Boston-based company. He called me last week to tell me that he had planned the proposal and that he was 99% sure he was ready to follow through, he just needed to know when I'd be in town next. I told him to call me back when he was 100% sure. He still hasn't called.
So it was a 7+ year relationship and it's only been a couple of months since I moved out, but I'm feeling alright. I knew I gave it my all and that his inability to commit has nothing to do with me. I still get very sad, I miss our home, I miss my old life, I miss the city, I miss so many things. I'm wholeheartedly convinced, however, that if you're in a relationship with a man who will not commit, the best solution is to leave. I wasn't able to give him anything more without being married and he couldn't give me marriage.
So that's it, sorry for the length of the post, it was a long relationship!

Carrie
I know exactly how you feel. I met my ex online 7 yrs ago as well but we didn't actually meet for 2 yrs (we emailed and talked for hours on the phone-it was crazy)
Almost 3 yrs after meeting online I moved from NY to OH to be with him. I was sooo excited. I've lived here for 4 yrs now and he decided the Friday before New Years that he didn't want a g/f anymore and he knew I wanted to settle down and he wasn't ready for that and didn't know if he ever would be. Wish I knew that before I move 700 miles away from my entire family. I'm not sure what I'm going to do b/c we live together as well.
My family of course wants me to move back and I'm seriously considering it but I won't leave until I get a decent job back there. It hurts so bad b/c I look around here and I see all of our things (furniture, dog, even the washer and drying make me sad) I of course will get custody of the dog b/c she's my baby but he loves her too. That makes me sad.
I feel for you and know how hard it is b/c he calls me all the time but unfortunately he's not calling to tell me how much he loves me... he wants me to clean the fridge, get the carpets cleaned and figure out why his ipod won't work now. I've been pretty good at not answering most of his calls but then again sometimes I just want to hear his voice.
Belly,
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I have to be honest, I think it's tougher to know you're leaving but to have not left than it is to finally walk out the door.
He backed out of the wedding in late September and I stayed until November because of work, but those two months were MISERABLE.
These are the things that helped me:
1. Packing up. This was emotionally draining, I've never cried so much in my life. It was awful, but it was necessary and it kept me busy and focused.
2. Leaning on friends for support. They were instrumental in getting me through that time.
3. Apartment hunting in my new town. I felt that the more I focused on my new life and less on my old life, the better.
4 I poured myself into work. I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to think about my life, I just wanted to work. Sometimes 18 hours a day. I still work 18 hour days and it's been two months since I moved.
The dog was the hardest part for me. We agreed that if "god forbid" anything ever happened to us, he would go with me, but it's so hard. I still don't feel that he is "my" dog, I still feel he is "our" dog. All of our other stuff was easy to split, we didn't have a single argument. I took the furniture I'd bought, I gave him the car, we split the joint account and that was it, but the dog was my only source of serious guilt.
Up until the minute I left I prayed that he would change his mind and decide I was the one for him, but he didn't. I moved on and though I was so lonely, scared and sad, it was still better than living in a house with a man who did not want to marry me. Once you're gone, you will face a new set of challenges, but the worst will be behind you.
Take care,
Kel
I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you...
Honestly - I thought the same things about my ex. I thought he wanted to get married, because he TOLD me he did and he told me it was me...
And a few weeks later... WHAM. over.
Move on with your life, don't wait for him if you don't think he's stringing you along to keep you there. It sounds like that's what he's doing, but I'm so sorry.
What you are going through is so hard... I know that, believe me... but but it WILL get easier!