New here - need help, advice -whatever!
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| Fri, 10-20-2006 - 9:40am |
Hello all, I'm new here. Onelittleladybug led me here from another site and said that you all were very kind and helpful. Here's my story, sorry if it's long.
I was with my ex for over three years. We had a great time together, we never fought and enjoyed so many of the same things. Everything seemed just about perfect. However, I was ready to get married pretty early on and didn't hesitate to tell him. I told him too much in fact. Through it all though he told me that he would never propose unless he was sure because he was not going to get married again unless he felt certain it was going to work out. He was married for about six years to a woman who cheated on him and made up stories about how he treated her. After that he went into a mode of cheating on and lying to women himself. He has really low self-esteem and has recently admitted that he thinks he suffers from depression, but has not yet sought treatment. In July he proposed and it was one of the best nights of my life. He looked like a man in love and took me everywhere he could think of and told everyone we know that he was getting married. We bought wedding rings, he started making plans for getting the church we wanted. We told my children (I have 2 from my 1st marriage) what their role would be and started making our guest list. Then about a month into the engagment we had a bit of a fight. He went out of town to see his father and when he came back he said he wanted to postpone the wedding. He asked for a little space during his upcoming vacation but said that we would work on things. When he came back from vacation he said things were going to be fine and he acted normal. Three days later after a great evening together he broke up with me. He said he just wasn't sure that he loved me enough to marry me. He said he thought it should be more exciting and that he was too scared. We had lots of tears and he told me how much he hated himself and thought he needed help.
Three days after the breakup I saw him with someone else. He invited me to a picnic and we talked after it. He said she was "just a friend" but I didn't believe him. He said that he still loved me and still thought I was the one that he was going to marry, but he just needed time away from me to think things out. He wanted to see me two days later and I did but I told him I couldn't be with him if he wanted to see other people. I told him if that's what he needed to do, then that's what he should do, but that it hurt too much to know he was with me and then with her. Well, he picked her. He's been with her ever since. But, she lives in another state and he only sees her on the weekend. Meanwhile, he hasn't told a lot of people that we aren't together.
I've done the traditional constant e-mailing and such. I even asked for one last chance to ask a few questions and say my goodbye. He told me that he wasn't ready for that. He said he still wanted to get into therapy and wanted the time to "get right and do stupid things". I've been bad with no contact. He goes back and forth between responding and ignoring me. Recently I e-mailed him something that he needed to know, but unrelated to us. We had a nice exchange and he acknowledged all of the e-mails that he had ignored. Like a dummy, I asked him that since some time had passed I wanted to know what he was thinking about the whole thing now and if he still wanted the same things from me, which was to not give up on him, but give him space. He only gets e-mail at work and said he would respond to me on Saturday. I assume that since he didn't respond about it right away that it's not going to be good news. I want to write him one last letter just so that he knows everything, but I'm not sure that's a good idea.
If you've made it this far thank you for listening. What should I do? Do I give up? Keep hoping? I love him and don't want to give up. Do I just give him the space no matter what he says on Saturday and do no contact with the exception of maybe holidays and birthdays? Have you ever just felt fated to be with someone, because this is how I feel!

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Oh my, i don't know what to say except i'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. As i sat here reading your post, i started crying(hearing "Good Bye My Lover" by James Blunt on the radio at the same time didn't help either!) because i know how painful it is to feel like you're fated to be with someone and have that person hurt you, and be indecisive about wanting to be with you...it hurts soooo bad, i know. I'm not in your exact situation, but it has it's similiarities, and bottom line, the pain and confusion is the same. Also, when i read your post, for the first time in my life I had the "I hate men" feeling take over me..I've never felt that way about men in general in my life..I'm one who tries to stay away from generalizing, but i felt that when i read your post and then thought of my situation.
I have to say though that i think it took so much strength from you to say you didn't want to be with him at the time he was seeing someone else. I don't even know if i would have had the strength to do that...I may have found a way to convince myself that i would be ok with it, even though i know deep down inside that i wouldn't..but in fear of losing him, i might have done that if i were in your shoes, and i have in the past...so good for you for being strong and being true to yourself..really that takes strength.
As for your situation now, I don't think you should wait around for him. I know, easier said than done. I'm not saying he doesn't love you and he's not a nice guy, but for whatever reasons or issues he has for his behaviour towards you right now, it's not making you happy and it's not meeting what your heart and soul desires...so the only thing left to do in my opinion is to find a way to let go and begin your healing process..It really sadens me when i see myself and see other women always giving up our control to men..let's start taking our control back over our own lives...let's not sit around like little puppy dogs waiting around for them. Sometimes, yes, i do believe space is needed and can be helpful for relationships at times, but in regards to your situation, it doesn't seem that way...he seems to be to "iffy" and going back and forth too much, and him being with another women...hasen't he made his choice already in regards to being with you if he's already with someone else..and if he really wanted space to work through his issues in order for the two of you to be together...he should not be dating anyone else..he should be concentrating on his issues and working through that, in hopes that the two of you can be together again...that's what breaks are for.
Trust me, like i said, i know how difficult this is because i'm somewhat in a similiar situation, so i also know it's hard to do the "right thing"...Hopefully you will find the "right" answer for you.
Hi again and welcome to the ivillage breakup board! Its nice to see you here.
Just out of curiosity, has your ex or anyone else told you any details about this new woman in his life? How do you know about her?
Just calm down and wait until tomorrow. I dont know what
Well I heard nothing from him! I'm not shocked, this is his way. Things get to be too much to deal with and he ignores me. I doubt he'll ever respond to the question.
Unfortunatly I have a lot of people who I'm close too who live very near him and see all of his goings on. He lives in a very small town. I know just from seeing it myself, from his own mouth and from their observances that she's here or he goes there every weekend. During the week I assume she's not here, but I don't know. He couldn't even wait until he'd called off our engagement to start seeing her, so she must have something he wants that I don't have. I guess it's done, there's nothing else I can do. I just can't believe that you can tell someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with them and then right away hop into bed with someone else. The thought of them together doing all of the things we used too is killing me! I just can't believe he would do this!
One thing I forgot to mention last night - if they are really together then I have to say I dont really envy her position. If the worst case scenario is actually true, then for them the timing couldnt be worse and everything about this. The man is obviously in a very confused state right now, whether thats a regular thing with him or if he is going through some crisis I dont really think anything good is going to come out of a relationship that begins like that. So try as much as you can to not feel jealous or ask yourself these questions like "how could he?" Try as hard as you can to not let this wound you, neither your self esteem nor pride. Does it really matter how he rationalizes the things that have happened? Not really. Time is usually the only thing that can provide some perspective.
Usually when people dont give an answer - as much as it is not a good thing to do to keep someone waiting like that -
Rule #1 to remember -- Men (people) don't change. So don't assume she's getting a better deal than you.
It's just probably commitment-free, which is probably what he wants right now.
And be glad you're not her, the rebound girl. Cuz that really sucks.
:)
Hope you feel better soon.
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