A new leaf I think

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
A new leaf I think
6
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 2:44pm

I didn't think I needed a "closure" this time because I was so angry and hurt by what happened between us, but I may have been wrong.

As you all know, its been horrible for me this summer; the breakup, the condom incident. I've been a total wreck and I worked really hard to hide that part. But lately its been really bad and I have had anxiety issues because I knew it was inevitable that I would, one of these days, run into him.

Last night I texted him "I hate you and wish you would move." Something came over me and had to. He texted back something about not knowing what he did, he only just got back from out of the country . I called and started yelling and crying and everything.

He is dating some 21 year old . He is 27. He loved me very much, blah blah blah and he had NO idea i was behind him in line when he bought the condoms . He said it ruined his night when he saw I was there - I said, ok well, it RUINED my summer.

He said he expected me to get revenge so he planned his post-revenge . HOW IMMATURE, you'd think he was 14. I mean, Oh My God!!!

We talked for a bit over 1/2 hour and as things got a little more friendly I got off the phone.

I guess I do feel a little better now that I got to go off on him finally. I never wanted him back and still dont, but somehow, for the first time, I think I can really start to heal. At least I do hope that I REALLY do feel that way. I know now he isn't phased by losing me at all.

He swore he wasn't cheating on me and I partly believe him. He said that this girl is less clingy and has no expectations, etc. In the same breath he says he was planning on marrying me and loved me so much.

I need to believe that at one time he did love me. But I know it wasn't the way I loved him. He got out of us so quick and was sleeping with another girl in less than a month. NICE.

So I think I do feel a little better and I actually think I can drive down my street without the gut renching worry that I may see him. If I do, then I do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2005
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 9:40pm
I read your post and I had to reply..quick story of me..married 14 years I filed because my exh was completely emotionally detached. alone for a year then I met him. with him for 1 1/2 years.
He was fun, exciting and would show me every emotion he felt...little did I know that later the one he like to show the most was anger.
He drank everyday, I could keep away from that until I moved in with him..then I started to do the same thing.
I could see that it would not last..He would get so angry and accuse me of cheating everyday.
Even though I would never do that, I know that to this day I still love him..I just know he is not good for me. No matter what he says. It has been one month since I moved out. Two weeks after I was gone he had a 19 year old move in with him. Mind you I am 35 & he is 32. Just this past week he called and like a fool I let him come over to my new place. He cried and said blah blah and I fell for it. He was at my house from 2-8 and he had over 15 calls in that time.
The next day I saw him and I told him flat out I will never see him again and all the reasons why.
I see him when I am driving and my stomach goes nuts, my hands shake and once again I cant sleep or eat. The headaches come back.
But reading the postings has helped me, I need to continue what I am doing. Taking the time for myself and my kids once again.
How can I be there for them when I cant be there for myself.
Its so hard but I need to keep going...This time I will feel the pain, I will look back and see what I did wrong to put myself with someone that could hurt me, how could I disrespect myself so much??
It is time to be on my own for once...and be happy!!! Hang in there and never call or text or leave the voicemail...Just keep taking care of yourself!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 10:50am
Instead of texting him when you have the urge, get on the computer (if you can't, get a pen and paper) and email yourself everything you want to say to him... I'm dealing with a lot right now (my ex and I were the best of friends for 3 years before we dated, and continued to be friends while we were together, even for 3 months after we broke up -- it suddenly ended 2 weeks ago when he told me some stuff about how he felt about me now and his uncertainties, etc... but that's a whole other post) Anyways, I really miss my friend. When I want to tell him something, instead of giving in and calling him, I log into email and type up everything I want to say to him. Whether it's cussing him out for hurting me, or just telling him about something that happened that day, I get on every few days and type everything out and send it -- to myself. I will not give him the satisfaction of knowing how much I'm hurting or that I can't control myself to keep from contacting him. Just a suggestion :)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 3:10pm

Well, I've buckled down and called in a therapist. I feel like I've been through a lot and have really been trying to get past this, but its so difficult and I'm so sick of the anxiety.

Also I think I have been acting out. This weekend I was out drinking with some friends and became "super-flirt." Ultimately a friend came up to me and I jsut started making out with him. First, this isn't fair to him at all because I know he has real feelings toward me. Second, thank god, he didn't take any advantage and he really could have. Third, I even remember what happened; I thought that my ex is with some 21 year old and i think this was some kind of reaction to that.

I dont feel like myself anymore. My life is so overpowered by these thoughts about my ex and I KNOW I should not give it any power but I can't help it - I felt very jilted and hurt by him and his uncaring, insensitive and just crappy actions that I cant make sense of it. Even that last phone call was of no help. He kept saying he loved me so much and wanted us to be married... WHY SAY ANY OF THAT NOW, why not just fess up. WHY WOULD HE HAVE PLANNED A REVENGE on ME????

I'm sick of wondering about all these things. I've been a mess and keep going through different phases of getting over (1) him, (2) our relationship and (3) the CRAP he put me through. I'm hoping this will help.

I do feel better than before the telephone call though. A lot of the "edge" and "anxiety" feels lifted, but there is still a bunch left. It just takes too much time.

The worst part for me is the root of all this. He ditched me and immediately started a relationship with some other 21 year old girl. He bought condoms in front of me and NEVER once tried to resolve the situation in a sensitive way AT ALL - he just plain ran away. I couldn't have been at all as important to him as he says considering his actions.

So if sadness is the first stage and then there is anxiety and then anger, I think I'm entering acceptance but just need a little help along the way ... therapist. I just hope that this doctor is good.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 4:02pm

I'm glad to hear that. A good counselor can really be a huge help...and I believe that recognizing you need help and seeking it out is a sign of a very STRONG, determined person.

If you don't feel comfortable with the first counselor you go to, however, don't be afraid to interview others until you find a good match.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 6:23pm

"The worst part for me is the root of all this. He ditched me and immediately started a relationship with some other 21 year old girl. He bought condoms in front of me and NEVER once tried to resolve the situation in a sensitive way AT ALL - he just plain ran away. I couldn't have been at all as important to him as he says considering his actions. "

My ex broke up with me after 3 years (less than a month after talking to my mom about marrying me) because he needed space, he wasn't mature enough for that kind of a commitment yet, and he wasn't financially stable enough for that kind of commitment yet.
Now, he's dating a girl his age (I'm 19, he's 22) who has 2 kids: a 5 year old and an infant. I've been there. And he ran away too. He just completely out of the blue stopped calling me (the last conversation we had ended with him saying "I'll call you back later" and this was after almost 3 months of talking every day while we were "broke up" because we were trying to work things out and get back together) Two weeks after he stopped calling me he told me to "leave him alone" because I had tried TWICE to get in touch with him to get my movie gallery card back from him. And he didn't even have the balls to do this over the phone, it was in a text message!!
I know how you feel!! Big HUGS!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 10:00am

Wow!!!! I'm so sorry, that must have really been horrible.

I think some men can be so immature and so cowardly and so SELFISH. To just run away is such a mean thing, but its really a result of fear and shame I think. I just know I would never act that way to ANYONE without first trying to make some sense of it.

Today I will be seeing a therapist for the first time. Each day does get easier for me, and I almost want to cancel my appointment but I realize that I should just give it a shot. I've had good days and bad days.

Good luck to you and I wish you the very best!!!