New Poster-need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
New Poster-need advice
3
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 9:50am

Hi-

I have been dating someone for 3 1/2 years. We are both in our early 40's, never married.
The relationship is going no where due to many factors. It is a long distance relationship. This man has never lived away from his parents/mother. He refuses to move out on his own or share a place with me. All we really do is talk on the phone. I am so disappointed, I do not want to see him. I feel he is leading me on. There is his fear of commitment between us, and it hurts me. He did not even give me a birthday present this year.
Early on in our relationship, he would not even stay away from his home over night. He states he has "old world values". Once, he tried it, but set the alarm so he could have an out, to drive back by 5:30 AM. The alarm went off, he was out the door in 5 minutes. He had a petrified expression on his face, and I did/do not want to force anyone to do anything they are not comfortable with, I did not stop him. He blames me for not stopping him from leaving. He also blames me for not trying again a few weeks later, for him to stay the whole night. I cannot not even begin to explain the feelings I had when this occured, why would I try a few weeks later?
I know he wants to end it. But he prefers to play the victim, so is waiting for me to be the one to break up with him.
I would appreciate any advice.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 10:45am

Hi and welcome to the board,

I'll be blunt: Drop this man. Let him play the victim, that's his chosen role in life. I'm sure he's nice, I'm sure he's sweet, I'm sure he's a million other things that make you so desperately want this to work with him, but let's deal in reality here and ACCEPT that this is the man he is and if the way he is doesn't fit into your picture of a happy and healthy relationship, then it's not the right fit.

He has just too many issues for this to ever be healthy without some help for him, and you can't make him want the help, he has to want it for himself badly enough. The whole thing about not even wanting to stay overnight with you, I mean, truly, is this what you saw for yourself?

He's going to blame you for pretty much everything, that's his MO, to blame everyone except himself for the situation he's in. He's this way and you either accept it or you don't.

Let's look at you for a minute, though. Why are you with him? Because you're in your 40's and you think this is as good as you can get, might as well hold onto the bird in the hand? Well, as long as you keep thinking that way, of course this will be as good as you can get. We can only achieve what we believe. When you start thinking you want and deserve a better relationship than this, you'll create it.

You can go through years of therapy asking why things are the way they are, why you've made all these choices in your life that have gotten you to this place, why why why, or, you can simply accept that you've created your own situation and set about making decisions and choices that will change it. We don't always need to break it all down.

You have a choice: You can continue to go on with him, hoping that he'll change (I'd personally accept that he won't and go from there), or, you can say to yourself that you wanted so much more and go create that.

Up to you.

Best,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 11:42am

Thanks Sandra-

It is exactly what I needed to "hear". No, I never thought I would be in a situation in which a person in their early 40's was petrified of doing " the wrong thing" by staying overnight...and this had nothing sexual to do with it.

I have asked him to go to therapy. But enough is enough,and I know deep down, I checked out a long time ago.

I know I deserve better, and am angry at myself for even allowing this to occur. Maybe it is the 40's thing, but I am alone anyway...so what would be the difference?

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 12:27pm

....."I know I deserve better, and am angry at myself for even allowing this to occur.".....

Don't judge yourself, being angry at yourself isn't going to do anything for you. Just accept that you've made certain choices and decisions that got you where you are, and accept that you again can make choices and decisions to get you to where you want to be. it really is simple as that.

....."Maybe it is the 40's thing, but I am alone anyway...so what would be the difference?".....

MAJOR difference: You Choose this. Your alone-ness comes from a place of power instead of a place of fear. Alone, not lonely. You choose not to put your life on hold, the vacations, the house, the career, the full life, you stop thinking way back in the back of your mind that Prince Charming will come and make it all better, all complete, you stop thinkin your life starts when he gets here. Your life is here NOW. You can make it all better yourself, you complete your life yourself. A partner is an enhancement, not a completer set. You choose to believe with your whole being that when you make your life better and build positive energy into it, that only the ones who could really enhance your life will come into it, and the ones who would hold you back, such a this man, will simply drop away. You live your life fully in this belief. That's faith, that's power.

That's the difference.

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