Newbie to the board...

Avatar for freckpp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Newbie to the board...
4
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 7:58pm

Hi everyone,


I'm new to the board, and I guess like everyone else, just looking for some support from people who are going through the same thing.

Avatar for freckpp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-01-2006 - 7:30am
I thought someone would have at least said hi to the newbie by now! Oh well...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-01-2006 - 11:24am

freckpp...

First...Pianoguy says "HI"....and welcome to the board! It's nice to have you here.

NO BREAKUP IS EASY...in spite of what some of your 'tougher female buddies' might tell you! Both sexes go through the letdown and the recovery period can vary for each of us!

You indicated that the 2 of you made an attempt to "mend fences" a couple of months earlier, but FAILED! So your only other option is DISTANCE....and hopefully, you'll give each other at least a month or more before you start 'communicating' again?

PG doesn't want to burst anybody's bubble....but the "LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS" bit is nothing more than C-R-A-P! For one thing, you've lived your lives at a higher level...so trying to drop things down a notch or two is very difficult. And to be honest, MOST FRIENDSHIPS are beginnings. They're either permanent or temporary.

Give each other the distance that's necessary and proceed with your life the way you want to. You can always "revisit an earlier chapter" a few years down the road...if you HONESTLY feel you need to?

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

Avatar for freckpp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 8:19am

Hey Pianoguy,

Thanks for the welcome!

The "friends" thing is definitely not an option right now. I absolutely recognize the need for some distance right now, as I have to get two feet back on the ground myself. One of the hardest aspects of this breakup is that I finally realized I needed to end things in order to take care of myself. I wasn't getting my needs met on more than one level during the relationship, and wasn't really being treated how I deserve to be. However, I loved (and still do) this man, and breaking things off in order to be true to myself still wasn't easy. He isn't a terrible guy at all, he has so many great qualities and so much to offer. However, I'm beginning to learn that you can actually love someone, but that doesn't mean it's a right, healthy relationship for one or both people....(I feel like if I say that enough, it's easier to believe?)

Anyway, I'm trying to move on, heal, do what I need to do to feel better about things as best I can, yet it's been completely tough because he is not accepting this breakup and has been contacting me through voicemail or messages since two weeks ago when this happened. I haven't responded to one call or message, because I KNOW that that isn't going to help us to move on! AND, for once, I'm trying to really think of my own feelings, which essentially I'd be putting on the line if I picked up the phone and made that call. I know I'd just get sucked back into the drama of it all.... I'd feel terrible for him (if that's possible to feel worse than I already do?), and he'd end up feeling worse because the answer to getting back together would STILL be a big, resounding, no.
Yet I could picture myself waivering, not being able to express how I truly feel, etc. if I engaged in a conversation right now. I know that our emotions are still too raw to consider any contact at this point.

Still, I've given him the closure he has asked me for. I wrote him a short note just explaining how tough it is for me to get (and avoid) his calls and messages because I DO care for him so much, however, I think that talking right now is going to hold us back from moving on, which is essentially what we need to both do. And I'm trying... like hell! But he gets the card, with the closure he asked me for, and still... is calling and calling, crying on these messages, begging me to call saying he thinks he at least deserves this. I can't. I just can't. I can't get back into this whole cycle. I've gone this long with no contact; I don't want to break that now. And again, I know how horrible I'd feel during this phone conversation.

I need to just keep reminding myself that if I did call, if wouldn't do ANY good, for either of us. I'd be calling him because I feel bad for him, out of guilt, and that's all. Not to "work things out" or whatever... but because I want to make him feel better- which would not happen... because all that would make him feel "better" right now would be to hear that I'll give it another shot, and that isn't the case.

Which all hurts like hell, and is incredibly tough, bla bla bla. I know breakups aren't supposed to be easy... but geeze, why does it have to be so gut-wrenchingly in-my-face tough with him begging, crying, etc. for a call, a talk, another chance?

Man.

Thanks again for your support Pianoguy. PS- I used to live in Maine- love it there. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 12:30pm

Hi Freckpp

Welcome to the board. I really feel for you, I know exactly where you're coming from as I was the dumper in January !!! I felt really guilty as I didn't return his calls and didn't thank him for my birthday card, because like you I knew if I did call I would get reeled back in.

All that I can say is stick to your guns girl you're doing the right thing !!!

I have been single now for 3 months and each week feel much better. I do think you see things much clearer when you have had time away from your ex and realise you broke it off for a reason.

The board has helped me so much - infact don't know what I would of done without it.

Keep me posted. x