Newly single

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Newly single
4
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 7:48pm
Hello Everyone,

My name is Ashley.

I will be 20 next sunday.

Happy birthday to me....right?

WRONG!!!!

2 weeks ago my bf of 4 months (off and on) dumped me.

i met him on a chatline. right away we hit it off....he was looking for a commitment or so he said. the very day i met him, i had just kicked my ex finace out of the apartment for stealing my atm card and withdrawing 90$ and buying a cell phone with it!!!

So i was jumping into this really to avoid being alone.

so anyway, back to this guy.....

he said all the right things....how he wanted tomarry, have kids, find a nice girl and settle down etc. he would tell me all the things he wanted to do for me. we met in person a few weeks later. he was 6ft and 310lbs! plus, he was very cocky and full of himself seeming. He was very happy with my apperance, but i had to work at being attracted to him. he would always tell me how beautiful i am, how cute i am. how we would have such pretty babies, with my skin tone and his eyecolor. sometimes he would go off on tangent about what he wanted our house to look like, and our wedding to be like, ow many people he wanted to invite, what kind of dress he wanted me to wear.....on and on and on. now this was a off and on thing. the first time we seperated, it was because he booked a hotel room for us too go away the first weekedn we met......and i changed my mind about it last minute.....decided it wouldnt be right, and told him i wanted to slow down a bit. he said he couldnt accept that....didnt want to be friends, he had enough of those. and we stopped talking for a month or so.....then we started seeing eachother again, but for some reason, he changed his cell #- he lcaimed it was because he switched plans....i would leave him messages on his chatline voice mail box ( which he still had even while we were together) and told him to call me, but no calls......then i told him i was gonna cut my hair off.....he lvoed my hair long....after two weeks and numerous messages with no response, i cut my hair. he called the day after.when we were apart i cheated on him, i didnt think he wanted to be with me anymore, i mean he hadant called me in weeks....so i started to move on........but ill admit even while we were together i slept around on him. he was never around when i needed him, and i had to always find gas$$ to give him for him to come see me. plus we didnt sleep together until the last week of our relationship. it was july 9th and we were going to go out to dinner to meet my grandparents. we were supposed to get a hotel room for that whole weekend but his step mother ( mind you he is 33 yrs old and still living at home with a stepmother, who is not even really related to him. she is his bio mothers current husbands ex wife) wanted him to pay her for something...rent or something. and we decided not go, after fighting about it. then that day, he tells me he wants to go...luckily i put away $$$$$ because i kinda figured he would change his mind. he was so hot and cold about everything. one minute he wanted me the next he was pushing me away. so the first night i payed 10 he payed 50 the next i payed the full 60 something $$$. he met my family, i had sex with him, and i ask myself why now. because not even a week later he dumped me. that very friday we went away, he gave me this big speech about how he wasant gonna doubt us so much anymore. he would always go on aobut how i am only 19 and i am immature. but really i wasant the one playing the constant headgames, it ws him. the hot and cold thing.......i would always pursue him.........i felt disposable. my grandmother told me i was a trophy girlfriend. i mean, i am 5ft9inches and 230lbs...ive never been anyones trophy before...this was new, and in some ways nice. the constant validation on my physical apperance was great, but he made me feel dumb, and like my voice didnt count. he didnt take me seriously. i would call him constantly because he hardly ever called me, and because each time we hung up it felt like the last time we would speak, because of how off and on he was with me.

anyway......i knew from day one his famiyl wasant cool with me being half black...i am bi racial...half black half white. he only told them i was white.......but thats only half of me. when i asked if they knew i wasant all white he siad they didnt need ot know right then. well they finally found out........and gave him a hard time. that weeked that we went away, his step mom asked him if he had been spending too much time in the ghetto, with the "oreo"? she threatend to lock him out of the house, and had all his biological family call his cellphone and make him feel guilty about seeing me. mind you, they never even met me!

so when we talked on the phone, he told me he had taken the 31st adn the 1st off of work to celebrate my birthday......then said "i think we should see other people".....he heard me start to get upset, adn then said he was joking.... and then he went on to say: "but really ashley, your only 19, you havent finsished highschool yet you have so much more of life to experince and plus, i cant go against my family"

he was dumping me becaus ei am half black!!!!!!!!!

i have never been dumped b4, let alone for my race. NEVER.

it hit me hard.

i was crying all over the place. i hung up and called him back a few minutes later.....

he was crying......i asked him why he was crying....he wasant getting dumped.....then he was all " dont you think i know im giving up the best thing thats ever happened to me???" then he told me he had to go. i called him the next day asked him if he could drop off my things he still had in his car......he said he would plus he would pay back all the $$$ i lent him when he next got paid.

after that, i left nasty voicemails on his cell phone. i was so angry, and hurt, and rejected.....i just fumed. i left him message after message of nastiness.

i left him a few nasty messages on his chatline mailbox, which he never got rid of.

i called him yesterday, and he told me he threw away my things. which i think is a lie, because the first time we broke up he claimed ot of thrown out a book i left in his car, and it was in his backpack the whole time. i left him another voice mail telling him he owes me $$$ and if he doesent pay it i will call the police, etc. i called again he answered his phone and asked me if i thought the police scared him and told me i gave him that $ for gas and to call the police if i want to. i said no i dont want to call the police i asked him why he is doing this to me, and to himself...and why cant we talk, and he hung up on me. so again, i called, and left him a nasty voice mail.....telling him the past 4 months have been my bid for charity, and how i cheated on him 6 times, and basically all the things i knew would hurt him or make him angry. and yeah, i know its low........but i am so hurt by what he is doing. i cant beleive he dumped me. over something like my race. a month earlier, he bought me a gold neckalce and a outift and a purse, and two hats he thought looked cute on me. although i prolly spent the most $$$$ on him during the past 4 months....what with the gas$$$$ 24/7 and the outift i bought him at big &tall ( and you know your paying more for extra material) and the gum he wnated, the eyedrops for his contacts, the dinner, the movies, the toothbrush cuz he forgot his when we went away for the weekend......i think i spent more....but its not about who spent more, and i knwo that. i just dont know,,,,,where the feelings go when someone breaks off a relationship. how is it so easy for him to do this to me?

now i am mourning not only this relationship, if you can even call it that.....but my last one.......the one before him......when i was engaged and he ripped me off....i am mourning both at once because i didnt give myself time. like a fool. my biggest fear is this is it....theres noone out there met for me. i will be 20 next week....i feel like this is it.......i wont find the man that will make me happy. even the fat, ugly bald men are complete jerks. i tried to open my mind and give someone who i wouldnt even consider before a chance, and what happens? he hurts me.

now, i confessed to cheating on him....he didnt want particualrs, so i spared him. but he told me he was fine with it, becaus he knew that by not calling me he was sending me mixe dmessages, and then he would get angry, and insist we were together, he just changed his cellplan, and that is going out and having sex with some random guy how i am going to deal with it when we dont tlak for a few days. but it wasant a few days. it was weeks. and i told him i was sorry, that ineeded to tell him in order to start to take things more seriously. like a fool.....i started to take it more seriously. he told me he loved me, if he loved me he wouldnt let what his family thinks or says about me influence his decsion. maybe i live in the lower calss section of town, and yes i am half black- but that is no reason to dump me! becaus eo fmy skin color and race!!!!!! he is 33 he shouldnt even be living at home.......he cant think for himself. and before i was just so sad, i dunno why really. i wasant attracted to him. although my friends and i aggreed....he did have a cute face, he would be cute if he dropped weight, but other than that, i had to make myself attracted to him, lie to myself, i like that he didnt let me walk all over him like my exes did. and that made me feel like this was an adult relationship. but it wasant.......i backbone, was mistaken for a control problem. i was the barbie or the paperdoll, only there to be seen and not heard. only there to serve him and not be served. part of me is still numb at the thought of being single, and part of me is soooooooo angry at him. but theres nothing i can do.

any kind of advice, kind words, or shared experinces would be greatly appreciated. i dont mean for this to be a looooooooooooong post, and im sure some are getting annoyed,,,,,thinking "is this ever gonna end?" so i apologize, its just once i get started talking about this, i have a hard time slowing down.

well..........Happy birthday to me..........5 days and counting.
















messages in this discussion 1 next discussion>

How do I ...





iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 11:43pm
Sweetie....I know you're hurting right now but deep down even you know that this relationship was not meant to be and it never would have worked in the long run. You weren't attracted to him...you were setteling for him because you were afraid of being alone. He treated you like crap and used you and you in turn cheated on him....this was not a healthy relationship. You need to stop sending the nasty voicemails as it will only make things worse. Yes I know dumping you over your race is stupid but you can't change what he thinks and it's probably for the better. relationships shouldn't be this hard...you shouldn't have so many problems so early in to it. The best you can do is leave well enough alone and try to move on. Give yourself time to heal before going on to the next guy....that way you'll know what you want and need and won't be setteling or getting hurt even worse. Good luck and keep us posted.













Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 4:25am
Dear Ashley,

I've sent fairly long responses to some of the other ladies but in your case I can only say:

RUN YOU FOOL! RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK FOR A SECOND! THIS GUY IS A COMPLETE LOSER! Respect yourself, treat yourself like a queen, follow your own dreams. What?! He has a problem with the racial situation? Doesn't that send off several fire alarms in your head and soul? Get away from this creep! Please, please, please, I'm begging you, ditch this jerk! You know in your heart it's right. What little (and I mean little) value he offers can easily be replaced with a AA battery-operated gizmo. Don't waste another breath, another tear, another dollar and CERTAINLY NOT another night with this creep. Take a class, read a good book, watch a movie, call a good friend, volunteer to help someone, ANYTHING but waste another moment on this jerk. o.k. I'm done now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:12pm
Heidi,

Thanks so much for your advice and kind words.

you are so right.......my fear of being alone is so deep, that sometimes i scare myself.

i am 20 years old, if i cant handle being single now, then how am i gonna be when i am say, 30 and single? deep down i understand that a man does not equal happiness. that men take they never really add anything, unless you are happy enough with yourself.

and im not at that point yet. im still so uncomftorble in my own skin.

i am alot better than i used to be...........self esteem wise. but most days, i am just numb as far as how i feel about me.

its like, i cant feel.......because if i did........then i might lose it.

its hard to explain, please dont think im a freak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:17pm
golden,

you are so right!

he is a major jerk.

and i know that. i was aware of it all along.

but like a fool, i stayed because he promised me so many things. and it seemed like we wanted the same things in the long run.

i feel in love with the thought of a secure future with a man if you can call him that) who wanted to take care of me. now im kicking myself in the ass, because ive never once, been one of those girls, who depended on a man to take care of me. i have always been very independent and outspoken........and now when i think about how he wanted me to conform to this good lil yes bitch, and i actually did for a period of time......i get angry. at myself for compromissing what i am and what i beleive in and at him, because he is a jerk, and a liar.

you are so right. they say you can never see things clearly in your relationships because your involoved, but othrs around you- they can see everything so much clearer.