Next in line after break-up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Next in line after break-up?
13
Sat, 05-17-2008 - 1:19am

Okay, I broke up with my boyfriend this week.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Sat, 05-17-2008 - 10:04am

You are not in an emotional place to make any decision. Is there anyway that he can box your stuff up and leave it on a porch or somewhere where a friend can pick it up for you? Seeing him is going to set you backwards and right now, what you need is to be able to clear your head and figure out what YOU want.

Its always easy and comfortable to slide back into the relationship. But only time will tell if he will go back to old habits, making a change is more than just saying you will try. It will be months before you would know if the changes are sincere. For now, since you want to stay strong, see if there is another way to avoid seeing him to get your stuff. If not, then take someone with you so you are not able to have any talks about the relationship and continue on until your head is clear (maybe several months) and you can really assess the situation and what you want.

Stay strong, you need to do what is best for you right now and it sounds like you know deep down that trying to work things out NOW is not in your best interest

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sat, 05-17-2008 - 4:36pm

Lovergrl, thank you so much for your reply!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Sat, 05-17-2008 - 9:44pm

Glad I could help. I went thru a rough breakup over the last year and I know my head wasn't in the right place while we tried to work things out, and once everything did become clear, I broke it off again. I learned for next time, not to make any decisions without taking time for ME rather than putting us both thru another hurtful breakup.

Good luck, these boards are great support so keep posting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 3:12pm

Hello Lovergrl,


I did get my belongings.. it was quite sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 6:55pm

Welcome to the board atlantics,


I agree with lovergrl18 that you need some time to figure out what you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 10:20pm

I know its hard, and you are going to have many up and down days- and days you think this was a horrible mistake and days you know it was the right thing to do no matter how painful. Until all the emotions pass, and the sun shines again, you will not see the true light. And if its meant to be, and he truly loves you, he will still be there when you are able to assess the situation.

I promise in time, you will see this clearly and know why you made the decision you did, and if it was the right one. After all, there is a reason you did make it, its just getting clouded by other emotions right now. Hang in there....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 4:47pm

Thanks for the welcome Itwinflame,

I actually did read that book "Are you the one for me?" but it was a long time ago. I could use a refresher on it. Thanks for the recommendation.

Best,
Atlantics

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 4:50pm

Hello Lovergrl,

You give such great advice and you are right that my head is a jumble right now. Today I think the break-up was a huge mistake..... a HUGE mistake! I'm just real emotional right now.

But thanks so much for the wise words. It's genuinely comforting.

Best,
Atlantics

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Fri, 05-23-2008 - 12:47am

Hi Carrie,

I was seeing if I could find "Are you the one for me?" online.. and this is what I found...

Five Love Myths
Love Myth vs. Love Reality

1. True love conquers all

Love is not enough to make a relationship work - in needs compatibility and commitment

2. When it's really true love, you will know it the moment you meet the other person.

It takes just a moment to experience infatuation, but true love takes time.

3. There is only one true love in the world who is right for you.

It is possible to experience true love with more than one person - there are many potential partners you could be happy with.

4. The perfect partner will fulfill you completely in every way.

The right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them.

5. When you experience powerful sexual chemistry with someone, it must be love.

Good sex has nothing to do with true love, but making love does!

Seven Wrong Reasons To Be In A Relationship

1) Pressure
When you make a decision to be with someone because of the pressure you feel (from yourself or others) rather than because the person seems right for you, you are giving your power away and ensuring an unhappy end to your love story.

2) Loneliness and Desperation
When you are feling lonely or desperate, you are much more likely to make poor love choices and end up in unfullfilling relationships.

Be much pickier, Don't lower your standards just because you're feeling times are tough. You're not a store trying to get rid of old merchandise that puts it on sale -- You are a valuable, lovable human being who deserves to have the kind of relationship you want, not just the kind you think you can get.

3) Sexual Hunger
Do you have a Sexual Hunger Limit (SHL), a period of time beyond which you feel "something is wrong" because you haven't been sexually active? It's good to know your SHL. YOu might want to put it on your calendar as the time approaches, so you can be careful to avoid getting involved with someone for the wrong reason!

4) Distraction from your own life
Some people have relationships because they are bored with the lack of passion and purpose in their lives, and rather than looking within to find out why they feel that way, they get involved in a love affair and make that their purpose. These relationships never work because you aren't in love with the person -- you're in love with the distraction.

5) To avoid growing up
Finding someone to take care of you so you don't have to grow up.

6) Guilt
You remain in romantic situations not because you want to stay, but because you are afraid of what might happen if you left.

When you decide to be with someone out of guilt and not love, you are ripping them and yourself off.

7) To fill up your emotional or spiritual emptiness
If you have deep places of emptiness within you, no partner, regardless of how much they love you, will be able to fill that emptiness.

It is fullness that makes a relationship work, not emptiness.

Six biggest Mistakes we make in the Beginning of a Relationship

1. We don't ask enough questions.
2. We ignore warning signs of potential problems.
3. We make premature compromises
4. We give in to Lust Blindness
5. We give in to material seduction
6. We put commitment before compatibility.


Six Qualities to Look For In A Partner

1. Commitment to personal growth
2. Emotional openness
3. Integrity
4. Maturity and responsibility
5. High self-esteem
6. Positive attitude toward life

The key to choosing the right partner is to look for a person with good character, not simply a good personality.

******

Honestly, "emotional openness" seems the most applicable to my situation..... but... I think that cut both ways for both me and him... I mean, I ended it abruptly. I didn't want to talk. Communication was not ideal... but then that makes me want to go back to him! It seems so fixable.... at least, from a distance it seems fixable. :/

Best,
Atlantics

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 12:26am

That's the bare bones of the book, which is good.

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