no answers, no explanations

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
no answers, no explanations
3
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 1:11pm

Dear all,

I just broke up with my bf and it is as painful as it can get, but you have probably all been there. We met in class in September and he would always stare at me. Slowly I started getting interested, then a few months later we had a big crush on each other, and finally in early November we went out. It was so much like high school, though both of us are in mid twenties (he is younger),...too much like high school. That can be exhilarating but irritating as well. I found out that he had had 2 short relationships, didn't want to have sex before marriage, and overall was very very inexperienced. His habits, ways of dressing, etc. were all a bit “strange” but we clicked and developed a bond and caring that made it all worth it.

When I was with him, I was very happy, when we were not together, he sorta had the tendency to close himself off the world. For the most part, he was not there for me, when I needed him, calling 2 times a week was as much as he could do. For me that was not a healthy relationship, but I took into account his lack of experience and gave it all the patience I could summon and then some to give him the space and time to adjust. About 2 months ago, things were growing and started getting pretty serious. And then he started distancing himself. Everything I did irritated him. After waiting for him for 5-6 weeks to start acting like before, I realized that will not happen. I had a long conversation with him. TO my questions “how do you feel about us”, “do you want to see each other tonight?” “do you want to see each other at all?” his answers were all without exception “I don't know”. He didn't even have the decency to break it off, I had to do that. All he could say is that he was in over his head and couldn't figure it out. So, now that it's over I know it was the right decision, but I am left hurt, and without answers or explanations as to what happened...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 2:01pm

::TO my questions “how do you feel about us”, “do you want to see each other tonight?” “do you want to see each other at all?” his answers were all without exception “I don't know”. He didn't even have the decency to break it off, I had to do that. All he could say is that he was in over his head and couldn't figure it out. So, now that it's over I know it was the right decision, but I am left hurt, and without answers or explanations as to what happened...

Nothing happened. He was happy to let you lead, he was passive. He doesn't know what he really wants. Don't take it personally. You are NOT less than because of his actions, decisions, behavior, choices or lack thereof.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 12:20am
this sounds just like my X in our early days. he was inexperienced and a bit awkward socially b/c he had just moved here from india for graduate school. he was so sweet though...then suddenly he began to yo-yo and act indifferent just like how you described, distancing himself. I know it was legit that he had to focus on his work. finally he came to a point where he was not the same and just couldnt break up, couldnt bring himself to do it, but he basically went on with his life. it was a crock of crap that he could treat me that way, just fade out on me with no decency to articulate things for my closure.
so i know how you feel at least to some extent.
one thing i tell myself now is that if a guy i meet is that awkward again I REFUSE to be his "experience" and basically a "stepping stone" again. ive been there done that and i was degraded down so low with the way he went from being so in love and having such a close bond to this strange silent retreat from me. it hurt badly. how could he supposedly be that unaware of what is going on is crazy.
ughhh...
anyway, i just wanted to say i know how that feels. in hindsight the signs are clearer than when you are going through it. i know in the future i can avoid and not put my emotions out for a person like this.
Im so sorry you had to go through that pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 1:34am
Thank you for understanding! It is very painful, and as much as I know he did screw up and it was not right, I can't blame him entirely. It was my decision to go through with it, and I made a conscious choice to "try all I can before I give up". I hate to think that I might be just a stepping stone for my ex :( that is more than i can bear right now.. as you said, the signs were there, but since he was so different, spirtual, religious, etc, I didn't think they applied to him. I guess I will find out what it all meant after some time passes. It is incredible that one can be so hurt after a relatively short relationship. The feeling of unfinished business and opportunities that have not been lived fully is awful... thanks again for the support