No clue what to do...if anything
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| Sat, 04-15-2006 - 10:47pm |
For a while now I've been wanting to create my own posting regarding my situation but didn't really now how to....or at least make it different from what a lot of you out there are feeling. I feel like simply reading your discussions should help me. However, it unfortunately, does not. So here is my situation:
My boyfriend and I were together 4 years to the date (and one day before my birthday) when he broke things off. It came as a shock to me, as he never made any mention of doubting us, questioning things, or wanting anything other than what we shared. His reasoning for the break up was that he couldn't handle the arguing, blaming and questioning that occured in our relationship. He is right - there was quite a bit of that going on, but in my (female) opinion I didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary. While we were dating he would express how painful and draining it was for us to go through (with me usually being the instigator/provoker of our issues)...but we would get past it and I felt that I was trying to change. But obviously he felt it wasn't enough, so in February of this year, on our 4 year anniversary he asked that we break things off. He discussed being concerned that if this was our relationship now, he was worried what kind of relationship we'd have if we were married and had kids. Now, I know your reading this and thinking "there must be somebody else, or another issue behind it", but really there isn't.
He and I had very similar goals, got along very well with one another's family, and overall had a healthy relationship...well looking back on things I suppose the arguing might have been a sign that we don't communicate well. Anyway, my point is his reasoning for the break up is consistent with the type of person he is....he is a very loyal, committed, sensitive, and loving guy. I believe that as our 4 year anniversary approached he began to think about us and thought about our future. Then as he thought about it he wondered about the arguing and how it'd be in the future. I think he began to question our future at this point and this caused him to doubt our relationship and future. Thus, in his mind this demonstrated that perhaps it was necessary to end things.
Now, the two of us have chosen to remain friends. Obviously I still have feelings for him, and he says he does too. But this is completely a break up and so we are free to date other people. Initially we were talking quite often a few times a day (just like when we were together), but then we decided to stop talking (simply because we thought that that's what people who are broken up should do). But, we missed speaking to one another so continued to speak, just not as often. This has helped me as it feels better than not communicating at all.
The part that I'm concerned about ISN'T our communicating, but that we continue to be intimate with one another. Every time this has occurred the two of us try to carefully analyze why we chose to do this and what it means. However, we never really understand why we do it other than we recognize that we care about one another still and are attracted to each other. I know this can cause me a lot of emotional harm but I don't know what to do. I am aware that I do this for various reasons, specifically because I still care for him, I long to be close to him in the same way, I'm fearful of him moving on, I'm attracted to him, and I want him to know that I still care for him and am attracted to him. (I'm sure some of these, if not all of them, are also the same reasons for his own decision)
My friends all think I shouldn't be this involved with him, some think I shouldn't even be speaking to him and I know that if I were in their shoes I too would probably say the same things. But, it's what feels right for me, or I should say it's what I can handle right now - despite the fact that I may get hurt again in the future (i.e. when he starts dating again).
Anyone been here before? How'd you cope?
Thanks for reading this (and hopefully responding back)!

Yes, I've been there, and I've had friends in that situation...and I know this isn't what you want to hear, but the only thing that has ever worked for me or anyone I've known is to cut off all contact, at least for a while, so you can move on and break the habit of being with each other.
I'm now friends with that particular ex but it took a good year of no contact to get to that point.
I know you feel you're doing the right thing for you, and I respect that...I've just never seen a situation in real life or on these boards where the two people didn't eventually have to go to no contact for a while in order to move on (at least not that I can remember).
Sheri