No Contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
No Contact
9
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 2:15am

Hi All,

Just a note to follow up on my initial posting last week. It's been a week since my ex gf dropped the bombshell that she was seeing someone new. She told me while were were at the gym both sweating on the bikes and kind of slipped it in while were were chatting about our weekends. It's been 2 months since we broke up. We saw each other quite often in between then, we called each other or sms'd or she even invited me to things in mid-January. Suddenly this. I find it very passive aggressive. I wrote her a very honest blunt reply to a series of emails where she gushed on and on about how wonderful we "were" together. I found these emails disingenous. If we were so wonderful---why is she with someone else instead of working it out? During these emails, I mentioned that some of her behaviours concerned me and that her rocky relationship history made it hard for me to trust her at the beginning. She's seized on this and has replied to my emails talking about how hurt she is that I didn't trust her. To put it into perspective, I have been divorced, I wanted to proceed at a much slower pace than she did. Anyway, it's all moot. She has told me she has a new bf, there isn't anything to say. I've replied to her emails, but it's lead to an online debate that is really going no where. It's 2 people venting when they should have been talking things through. If she had been really serious, she wouldn't have moved on with another guy so quickly, then passive-aggressively rubbed it in my face. My point of writing this is that while I"m upset, I recognize and accept it's time to move on. That was my last email. I've deleted her number from my phone so I can't call. I know I can't convince her to change and after the insensitive way in which she told me about this new guy, I can't be with someone like that anyway. So maintain no contact. If you must, say what you want to say without getting into any name calling, then stop, halt. It's not going to change anything. It's like a death perhaps worse because the person is still alive just not there. So keep your distance. These break ups leave a hole in our lives but realize it's not healthy for your own self-esteem to want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Leave and don't look back...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: walawala2006
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 11:13am

I'm a little confused by your post--I thought you broke up with her? Or am I confusing you with someone else? Sorry if so.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: walawala2006
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 2:40pm

Hi walawala,


I'm super busy, be back shortly, but wanted to post links to your previous posts for others that want to follow your story:


Needing advice


The Friendship "Trap"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: walawala2006
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 9:42pm

Thanks Sheri,

Yes, I broke up in November due to a series of what I felt were behaviours that I found difficult to cope with. I'm now re-reading Steven Carter's excellent book He's Scared She's Scared which incidentally you suggested to me 4 years prior. It helped tremendously then and it helps now. Since my first recognition of both active and passive CP I've done tremendous work on myself. This was the first serious relationship since that time. In getting involved, I took things very slowly. I saw this as dating and getting to know the person. My gf was very anxious to get things moving quickly. Within 3 dates she was talking about wanting marriage and kids. Within 3 months she had told me she loved me and was becoming more needy. She displayed many traits Carter outlines in his book. Then she broke up blaming me for not wanting a more deeper commitment. I kept explaining that having been divorced I wanted to enjoy being together and continue seeing each other without the labels. This was me being self-protective. She perceived that as somehow not wanting to be with her. But I was very dedicated, attentive, generous. My actions were consistent with where I felt we were in the relationship. Then she displayed the flakey traits I'd previously described. I was more of an "action" person, she was more into labels and talking about the relationship. In November we broke up. But we stayed plugged into each other's lives. This too appears to be consistent with what Carter says in his book. She was asking me to do things, we talked everyday, we were friends. She got me a gift two weeks ago. Then she broke the news about having a new "serious" bf. Again this is consistent with the kind of behaviour Carter describes in his book of the partner with commitment issues talking about the relationship and a future but not acting or giving. I think I was confused by all this talk about wanting to be more committed but not seeing any real difference. Perhaps I sent out the wrong messages by not being more communicative about my feelings. But I was giving and loving---something she admits. But the point of my posting yesterday was simply that in the last week we have been engaged in an email debate about who did what to whom and when---even though she has a new bf. Labels like CP may be over-simplifying this situation. We both definitely had commitment issues. Mine were borne out of a caution about not being hurt again. I was definitely caring and giving and I didn't want to end things, I just wanted it to go slower and she wanted it faster while at the same time displaying behaviours that concerned me. So by contiuing to email each other, rather than healing, I'm still plugged into the drama and feeling more and more confused about my role, the relationship---did I do all I could? Did I send out the wrong messages? Could I should I have done more? But she's still with someone else. If she was truly patient with me, wouldn't she have respected my need to take it slower and better define what the end game was? Did marriage really have to be the end-game here? By not wanting to be married was I in this too long? These are all questions now in my mind. There are no answers now. Just a lot of "what if's". So by staying in contact we're not talking about getting back together, we're just arguing over who did what to whom and that's not good. Perhaps readers can learn from this and understand that NO CONTACT is the best way to heal. That is the point of this rather long and rambling post written by someone who is hurting. Thanks again for all your support.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: walawala2006
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 12:24am

Ah, ok, that explains things more--but my point in asking was more along the lines of, well you broke up with her, and you've chosen to stay in touch as friends, so why *shouldn't* she feel comfortable telling you about her new bf? Why would she have any reason to think that would be upsetting to you--I'd certainly assume that someone who broke up with me and was cool being buds would pretty much be happy for me to have found someone new, KWIM?

I think like so many people before you, you've learned it doesn't work to go right from being lovers to being friends. If you truly weren't prepared to here that she's move on to another relationship, then you need to own the responsibility for having chosen to be in a friendship with her that you really shouldn't have been. I'm not trying to be harsh on you here--I do think your heart was in the right place, but don't make her bear 100% of the responsibility for what happened here.

Hopefully you will be able to be friends with her down the road after a period of no contact. I never thought I'd see the day that I would be friends with my c'phobic ex but we have been friends for about 5-6 years now (we broke up almost 10 years ago after a 4 year relationship). So stranger things have happened!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: walawala2006
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 1:50am
Thanks Sheri. Right now I'm quite confused over the whole thing. I tried to be self-protective and go slowly. She was very insistent on this whole idea of declaring a commitment before I was ready. That put pressure on me. I felt I was doing what was best for me but she was getting mroe and more upset and distancing. But when I look at the indicators---the behaviours, the rocky relationship history, even this passive-aggressive way in which I felt she told me about the new guy, I may be hyper-sensitive but I sense something quite manipulative perhaps at an unconscious level. She wrote in the last email that I could address "her needs". But in her first email she was gushing about how great we were together so what "needs" is she referring to I wonder. I was attentive, generous, caring, available. So I'm left in a haze. Should I have just gushed "Yes, let's one day get married!!!" or "Yes, we're committed, let's declare our love to all our friends?" There were many of the "red flags" Carter describes and after having been burned I wanted to be sure. Hard to do when someone is pushing and pushing. I recognize my faults in this relationship. Perhaps I should have been more communicative instead of just demonstrative. Perhaps I should have told her what she wanted/needed to hear more often. But for her to suddenly go from me to another guy in the span of 2 months...something's weird about that. Carter covers all this in his final chapter of He's Scared She's Scared. Maybe she was someone I could have had a future with...I just wasn't sure and by saying that perhaps I pushed her away. Many questions but no good answers except that NO CONTACT is the best solution at this point.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: walawala2006
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 12:26pm

Well, I'm confused as to why any of this is really pertinent NOW--you're broken up and have been for months. So why re-hash how she behaved in the relationship? It's really not relevant to your post breakup friendship (or at least it shouldn't be).

And I wan't talking about recognizing your faults in the relationship (although that's a good thing to do also), I'm talking about taking responsibility for how you've chosen to interact with her since your breakup. You made a decision to break up, yet it sounds to me from what you write here that you've been thinking and acting as though you were still in a relationship with her. That was your choice. Own that, recognize that you weren't ready to be friends, and take the time you need to move on with no contact. It's not fair to be mad at her for telling you about her new BF when that's what you signed up for by saying you wanted to be friends.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: walawala2006
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 5:15pm

As a PS, I just wanted to note that I'm not saying this to give you a hard time or to try to make you feel bad--it's a pretty common thing for people to do following a breakup. It's more to get you to turn your thinking around so you are in a "moving on" mode rather than a "rehash the relationship" mode, if that makes sense.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: walawala2006
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 9:17pm

Hi Sheri,

Your insights are helpful. I think part of the issue is we didn't really discuss this after the break up, we just moved on to keep hanging out. So without that resolution the constant contact didn't prepare me for the hurt I felt by this news. I hope this could be helpful for some of the posters who want to keep seeing their bf/gf's after they've broken up. It's a confusing time and the only way to sort it out is by NO CONTACT. My experience is proof of that. Cheers!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
In reply to: walawala2006
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 1:28pm

Hi,
I know that may be there's no point, but your post struck a cord with me. You're asking yourself all these questions, trying to understand what went wrong, you don't understand her behaviour....I didn't read your other posts, so I can't really say why your ex acted like she did, or if she was trying to manipulate you...But just to give you my experience.

I was with a guy who had a lot of baggage, his ex-wife still does things to hurt him and that's after 6 years of separation. We spent like 4.5 years together. We were pretty close, talking every day, enjoying time together, then we moved in together... At some point, I felt I wanted to get married and have kids. He was always telling me that he loved me, but still had things to fix. I'm 29 now, he's still fixing his things (it's a long story), I really feel the desire to have a family and I don't have patience anymore. He also was saying that if I loved him I would be understanding, but at some point, there must be compromise on both sides. I finally broke up with him last week...You see, he wasn't really ready for a serious commitment, he was telling me that he loved me, I was patient, but I have needs if the're not satisfied, I don't see the point of being in a relationship.

And I know, that since I really want to have a family and I'm not that young anymore (having kids after 30 is really not the ideal situation), I will not be that patient with the next guys I meet. If the guy doesn't tell me that he's interested in marriage and family (doesn't have to be with me right away, but in general), it means that we don't have the same goals, and no matter how nice he seems, to protect myself, I will run.

Also, I will not wait for months and months to meet other men. I will start dating soon, because as I said I have a goal and I don't feel that I have that much time.

May be next time, you should state your feelings about not wanting to get married from the beginning...this way you can ensure that you're with someone who's on the same page as you....