No contact?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
No contact?
3
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 4:16pm
Hows does no contact work? I broke up with my boyfriend of three years a few days ago. I am very weak and have gotten back t/g with him twice when he ended this months ago. I am so afraid I will fold again and listen to his false promises (he does have a ring but kept it in his drawer for three months). I have no clue when he was ever going to bust it out again. So I left- who needs a commitment-phobic 40 year old (I am only 26!).

Any idea? I am a very romantic/idealistic person. I think I may just not get how awful and manipulative he really is. How could someone promise a ring since last Sept, ask fo ryour parent's permission in Feb. and then just start breaking up with you in May. I had to end it- and he acted shocked.

Help!

Charlotte
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 5:27pm
I am 13 days post break up and its hard. Today my ex talked to me..trying to make small talk and such...........I almost gave in but I didnt. I want to call him and stuff so bad even though he treated me badly.........I was addicted to him! Its so hard..........I am a mess at times. I was fine today until he talked to me. Ok, I wasnt totally fine but I wasnt like I am now...........I hate that I think about him so much.........I need to get my mind off him! AAAHHH! The thing that makes me the maddest is that he seems to be doing better than me. Damn. He contacted me........by talking to me but I kept it impersonal and brief but that was hard. My advice.....avoid places where he might be if possible and when you feel weak remind yourself of how he treated you, of the pain he cause.......or call a friend. Anything.........take a short walk.............anything to get your mind off .......or stop you. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 9:14pm
Hugs to you, Charlotte :) You're very brave to have walked away from a relationship that you thought was headed definitively towards marriage.

I was in a very similar boat as you- my X talked & talked about an engagement and made it sound imminent. He had me pick out a couple of ring designs, so that he could surprise me. He got the e-mail addys of my family & friends to solicit their advice on how best to propose. Basically, he had me fooled that an engagement was right around the corner. Of course, this dragged on for months and I started to wonder. When I probed my X about a "when," he gave me a milestone kind of answer. e.g. After he finds out where he's going to do his residency (he was a med student at the time). or After he & I graduate (I was getting my MBA at the time). or After we settle into our new lives post-graduation. There was always something to push back the Proposal. It became very apparent to me that he was just stringing me along. I received further confirmation from his best friend of his (my X's) reluctance to marry in the near future. I promptly left my X. Despite his overtures at reconciling, I have stayed firm in my decision. My feeling about this is - he had 2.5yrs to realize what a great catch I am and if he hadn't realized that by now, he never will... regardless of how long I stayed with him. Besides I wanted my X to propose not because I gave him an ultimatum, but because he wants to marry me and can't live without me.

Some of my guy friends have told me that if a guy thought a woman was such a great catch, he would've taken her off the market... esp after being together for yrs!!! My own personal feeling about this is (a) he's a commitmentphobe- ergo, he just can't commit for the life of him, (b) he thinks he could do better, but he wants a backup. It makes me angry to think it could be option B, but then again, this thought is exactly what kept me from taking back my X. I love myself too much to wait around for a guy who perhaps thinks he could do better. Let him try to find someone "better"....

You've given your X three years of your life. It is not unreasonable to want to take the next step. Your X sounds very confused and unsure of what he wants. As hard as this may sound, it's best that you found out these unattractive traits before you end up marrying him. Do you really want a man who waffles on the question of whether he wants to marry you or not??!!

Just my $.02.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 12:49am
Hi Charlotte..

Hmm, you sound like me. A few years ago, i met a nice man 16 years my senior, i was 2o-something. We dated, moved in together and he gave me a ring..after awhile, things fell apart. He changed. He stopped wearing his ring, the pager was hidden, the IM's were closed if i walked into a room. 6 months before the wedding, i found notes, poems and emails. he swore UP and DOWN nothing was going on.. To spare you the gory details, yes there WAS something going on.. alot of something! He was sleeping with 2 women he worked with. The BS was just too much, the lies were too much. I did end up moving out, only to move back in a month, because he "promised" me things, he said he "loved" me.. but that was not true! I left within a few weeks, for good. It was hard to move home and get out of the relationship, but i was SO much better off. The kicker is he was shocked when i wouldn't come back after i realized the truth.. what is THAT!!! I learned to rely on "me" and not him for my happiness. That was the mistake i made. How could he promise to love me, offer a ring, then keep up the facade while wedding preps are going on? he was divorced before too! Only you can make you happy.. Not him or anyone else. As soon as you accept that, you will resist him. best of luck.