no contact, to contact... my update
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| Sun, 11-26-2006 - 2:16am |
sorry for the lengthy post, but anyone who can read through this and reply would be most appreciated :)
well, it's been almost 5 months since me ex and i broke up, my first real love, and boy has it ever been a turning point in my life. I can't get over how much i've changed and matured as a person, not only because of the break up, but for everything else that has happend to me during this time... the break up was just the beginning of a giant chain reaction of events that have really shaped me into the person i am today. Having said that, i still have a lot of work to do on myself. I'm a 21 year old university student, currently in my 4th and final year, and it's really been a challenging year, academically, emotially, and just coming to terms with being 21. They say that your 20s are the best years of your life, which is very true, but in other ways I think they are also the most challenging years. Trying to find your purpose in life, trying to figure out who you are and what you want, and just trying to make sense of it all.
Anyways, i just wanted to say thanks to everyone who have replied to my previous posts, and for everyone who have been posting to the boards, it has all helped so much.
I still think of my ex every day, but I hurt less. We haven't really been in much contact with each other for a long time, memories are starting to fade, and I'm finally accepting the situation for what it is. Although, these feelings have started a whole new greiving process in a way - the fact that I am letting go is sad to me, because things are starting to become final, and that's hard to come to grips with sometimes. I can't say how much no contact helps with the healing process, it's a must.
Just a quick reminder of my situation - my ex was the one who initiated the break up, because he moved away to another city for a one year university coop job. After 2 months of trying to make it work, he didn't feel like he was ready to make the long distance committment for that long. It was just really bad timing in the realtionship, we were in 2 different places in life, i was entering my last year in university, and he was starting to work his first career related job. I would have liked to work on it, but my ex decided to call it quits, and I respect his decision. I know he has the best of intensions in things, but he has done some stupid things early on after our break up, i.e. being selfish in his actions in trying to move on, not really considering how it would effect others, but that's what happens in break ups, people just dont know how to react, and sometimes they can react impulsively. I forgive him (for myself, not him), and I really look at our relationship as a positive experience. Looking back, I was naive in a lot of ways, but I have no regrets what's so ever.
My ex has been the one to contact me for the most part since our breakup. Being stuck in "my first live" mode, I was a little clingy right after we broke up, and he would avoid me a lot when I'd contact him. By the second month, I pretty much stopped contacting him, because it was too hard. But soon after that, I guess he got curious, and would check up on me once in a while, on msn every few weeks or so, for a period of time, but that soon stopped. It's been at least a month and a half since he contacted me last, until last night. He started talking to me on msn, asking me how I was, making sure I was ok, the usual very short conversation. Although this time he left the conversation differently - he ended it saying "I'd be really interested in knowing what you're doing, so chat me up sometime when you're not busy."
For the first time in months, I cried immediately after this. All the old memories started flooding back, and it just really hit me how much things have changed, how far away we've grown from each other. To being close friends for 7 years, lovers for 1.5 years, to mere aquaintances. It's a hard feeling to come by. But I cried it out for a few minutes, and that was that.
Even though mentally I don't see us getting back together, in my heart i still feel like he is the one, and somewhere down the road in life we'll find our way back to each other. I don't know if it will ever happen, but sometimes I hope it does.
I guess what I'm struggling with right now is to whether I should take him up on that chat. Is it a good idea, or am I just opening pandora's box? Part of me wants to talk to him, to know how he's doing, and to start rebuilding a friendship with him. But the other side of me feels like he doesn't deserve to know how I'm doing. He gave that right up when he broke up with me, he was selfish in some ways, and I feel like he should pay for his actions. Being a guy, and being known to jump into relationships very shortly after they break up with someone, he did just that. He started dating his roomate just weeks after we broke up, which hurt me a lot. She was obviously a rebound for him, just someone to get his mind off of things, but there are some things that he could have handled differently in the situation, that would have been less of a slap in the face to me. I'm not sure if they're still together, I assume they are, and really don't care where their relationship stands. The point I'm trying to make is that I feel like he can't have his piece and eat it too, you know? that's how i feel sometimes, like maybe he's not getting that emotional connection with his new gf that he got with me, and is now trying to rebuild that again. I don't think it's fair, or maybe i'm just keeping too much pride in myself. What if his reasons are sincere? I guess I just don't know what his intensions are behind wanting to catch up with me, and that really bothers me. Because depending on his intensions, that would make the difference to whether or not I would consider catching up with him.
Sorry for the long rambles! that really felt good to get that off my chest! I'd REALLY appreciate anyone's suggestions to what I should do. Thanks :)

Hi Casey,
It's awesome that you've come this far and are doing so well. I'd like to apire to that, and hopefully will be much happier in 5 months like you are (it's been 2).
From what you said it seems like it would hurt you and reopen old wounds to have a chat now. Also, he hasn't said he wants to get back together, so you might just put him off for a while longer. "Sure, later. I'll be in touch." Or you could keep up no contact period and just let him wonder. ;)
Do what is best for you but take him literally and until he is saying "I want you back, can we try again?", assume he is just chatting. He may just be making sure you don't go very far in case he changes his mind. Don't give him that security. Your life is not a revolving door he can swing in and out of.
Hugs.
Edited 11/26/2006 11:14 am ET by devuchka
On some level he probably knows he was selfish and hurt you deeply. Checking in and wanting you to chat, to me, is his way of relieving some guilt about being the 'bad guy' in the whole scenario.
You have to do what's best for you and only you can determine that. The last contact brought tears (a good release) but did it open old wounds? If so, best to stay away awhile longer.
Carrie
Thanks for your replies :)
Both of you are right though, after taking some time to think and absorb it all, I don't think i'm quite ready to start talking to him yet. Ever since he talked to me last, it has set me back a little. I've been thinking of him more again. I started thinking, "hey, maybe this will be a turn for the better" but you're right, unless he explicitly tells me "I want to start working on us again" then I have no reason to talk to him, at least not until I am 100% healed. You can easily fool yourself in saying that things are better, and that you're ready to 'be friends' but you really have to be careful and listen to yourself. It's easy for your mind to wonder off, so sometimes you have to slap yourself back into reality, and to view the situation for what it is, and not for what it was - that's the hardest part of it all :)
I was a great girlfriend to him, and I know that I have a lot to give - even moreso now. It was his loss to lose me, and like I said before, he can't have his cake and eat it too. I remember one of the last words that he told me the day we last saw each other, the day I got on the train and never saw him again, he said "You know what, I have no idea what I'm doing, maybe this will be the worst mistake of my life." That phrase stuck with me. Maybe he's starting to regret what he did, or maybe he's happy with the choices that he made. I don't know, and I might never know, but what I do know is that I'm one hell of a stronger woman for it. And for that, I thank him.
What a release! i feel like I can go about my day semi-normally now after writing all that out...lol.
Any more stories, or comments would be greatly appreciated! It helps a lot :)
hi casey...your post really hit home with me, as i am experiencing a similar situation right now. like what seems like many people on this board, i am at the two month mark and about 3 weeks ago, my ex started contacting me again after a period of about 5-6 weeks of no contact by either of us whatsoever. he began calling/emailing/texting nonstop--incessantly and it was driving me crazy. i didn't want to respond, because like the others who posted here said, many people told me that he wanted to alleviate his guilt and that at least part of his reason for contacting me was to make himself feel better. since i read/heard that, it kind of stuck with me...my ex has done similar things--jumped immediately into another realtionship and done some other super insensitive things that i don't know if i'll ever forgive him for. like you, i'm working on forgiving him for myself though.
i guess what i'm trying to say is, read over what you wrote--it made you upset and was a setback to have contact from him. i think, at least for me, part of that is because you are wondering, like you said, "why is he wanting to see me?" but you know what, i think if someone truly wants to be with you, they will find a way to show you how much they want to be with you and if that is the case, this won't be his last contact. but be clear on his intentions--i've debated asking my ex why he wants to see me so badly, however i know that will only open up the communication that i am not ready for right now. you'll know what's best for you, my best advice is don't make any rash decisions, which it sounds like you aren't. you're taking time to think things over and that's good. i don't know about any one else, but my emotions are so all over the place that they change day to day, and i always think things through thoroughly and talk every little decision over with people that care about me, just to make sure i am thinking clearly. hopefully my rambling here helps a little, it sounds like you are thinking clearly and i'm so glad to hear that you have learned so much about yourself in this time. one day you'll look back and see the reason this is all happening, if you haven't already. keep your chin up!!
Fearlesschick06,
Just out of curiosity why did the two of you break-up? Was he the one to instigate the break-up?
My boyfriend broke up with me last weekend after what I thought was a healthy and happy relationship. Things were moving along, I was falling in love with him and felt like he was the one. I invited him to a family party which he happily accepted and things were fine. The next weekend he tells me the invitation was what started this whole thing off he's not sure he can get to the next step with me and maybe he needs more time but he thought that was a diservice to us both. I keep going over all the signs that he wanted out but I can't find anything.
It kills me because I was nothing but giving to him and all I heard from his friends was how happy he was and how his pervious girlfriends were horrible to him. I would like to think he is just immature but the sad thing is he is 37.
I applaud that you didn't contact your ex and I am determined not to contact mine no matter how much I miss him, and right now I just want to move on. I just have a terrible feeling I haven't heard the last of him. It seems to always happen when you are strong and don't contact them--just like your situation. He's probably realizes what he missed out on, that there are a lot of nasty women out there and is regretting it. Stay strong!
i can completely empathize with what you are going through--how you are so very confused because things were going so well. that is exactly what i was and have been struggling with the most. luckily it does get easier, you kind of just accept the fact that you might never know why this happened and that even though you might not have seen all the signs, some were there. just because someone breaks up with you doesn't mean they don't love you or cherish what you had--so it's not to say that he didn't mean the things he did and said, it just means you were headed in different directions...at least that's what i keep telling myself.
what you said is so true, i started to feel a teeny bit better, and then i heard from him. they always seem to appear when you start to move on. i don't know what he is thinking, but whatever it is, i have convinced myself that i don't need to know right now. when i am 100% healed, i'll talk to him again, we'll exchange stuff, etc...but until then i am holding strong with no contact. i competely agree with everyone who says it is the best thing you can do for yourself to get over a breakup. just hearing his voice on my voicemail sent me reeling, i was shaking and nausious--so that is a clear indication that i am no where near ready to see him. although it pains me to think i may never have 'closure', i have had to create it on my own.
stay strong yourself, you will be ok! also, i've found that it helps to have a plan in mind as to what i will do when these unexpected bumps in the road come up--such as if i run into him, if he still continues contacting me, etc. although we can't plan things out exactly because who knows how things will turn out, it helps to have an idea in my head at least. best of luck to you! keep up with your determination not to contact him and reward yourself along the way--i've done that and it has helped me to have a goal in mind, such as a new pair of shoes that i get to buy myself if i reach XX number of days of no contact!
fearlesschick,
I feel the exact same way about seeking that 'closure' that we never seem to get. I was trying to get that from him early on in the breakup, but realized that I was never going to get it from him, and that the closure would have to come from myself. Once you actually take that next step in excepting it for what it is, things start to feel a lot better.
One of the largest factors that contributed to our breakup, the fact that he is now living in a different city 6 hours away, ended up being a helpful factor in my healing. The fact that he does live 6 hours away ensured that I would never bump into him, and thank goodness for that. We both have the same network of friends, a lot of his good friends are my good friends as well, so it's inevitable that I will bump into him again sometime in the future. It's the holiday's coming up, and there's probably going to be some kind of get-together on our friends' side. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, wondering what it's going to be like to see him there, after not seeing him for 6 months. Or maybe I won't see him at all, maybe I'll go out with another group of friends all together, i'm really not sure what will happen. Part of me is scared to see him, because I really don't know how I will react. I don't want to get set back with all the progress that I've made. After seeing how I reacted from a simple IM message, who knows what would happen if I ever saw him in person. But the holidays are still a months time from now, and hopefully I'll have made even more progress by then.
But you're right, we will stay strong and be alright! I've also been setting goals with little rewards for myself - the last one was a new winter jacket!