No contact? Get him back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
No contact? Get him back?
8
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 10:36am

Hello, I'm hoping to get some insight. My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago today, and I miss him. A little background history : we knew each other for about two years before we started dating. He's asked me out numerous times but I turned him down because he had a bad reputation of being a ladies man and the age difference put me off (he's 34 and I'm 23.) I finally went on a date with him and we hit it off. For the first 2.5 months he was practically obsessed with me. He owns a bar and I work day shift so it was a struggle trying to spend time together but he did all he could to see me. He told me he loved me and that he felt more for me than he's ever felt for a girl before. We booked a wine trip for April (that never happened) and a vacation in May (that's obviously not happening either.) Anyway, things were going well until he started blowing me off the last three weeks, not calling as much, hardcore partying (I believe with drugs) ect. He was under a lot of stress so I tried to let it go. When we did hang out it seemed "off". I started to get cold because I was nervous about what was going on. I made a dumb comment about how I don't like being in public with him (everyone knows him and I'm a very shy girl) because I hate hearing about his past. Last week he called me and said he's done a lot of thinking and thinks we're not compatible and better off friends(three days before our trip). I was floored because he was so into me. I didn't talk to him and two days after he dumped me he texted me and said "I hope you're okay and not to mad at me. If you need anything you can always call me". I haven't spoken to him since. The only way I'll run into him is if I go to his bar. I think we have a good thing and I'd like to try again. I also need my things from his house regardless of us. Should I contact him or keep the no contact going?  (Btw I'm an aquarius and he's a scorpio if that makes a difference) 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 11:24am

I think you should call or text him to try to get your things from him, but before you think of going back, look at what you wrote:

1) there's a big age difference

2) he has a reputation of being a ladies man, so much so that you don't want to be seen out with him--how do you think that makes him feel if you say that you don't want to be seen with him? and if his reputation is that bad, how do you know he's not still a ladies man?

3) you think he was doing a lot of partying, maybe with drugs--the fact that he was under stress is no excuse.  most people are able to deal with stress w/o using drugs or drinking a lot--if that's how he deals with stress, what kind of relationship do you think you would have with him?

4) there's the difference in schedules so it's hard to see each other

So if you read all of the above, why do you think your relationship was a good thing?  Maybe he's right and  you don't have that much in common.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 1:22pm

"I think we have a good thing and I'd like to try again."  Um. . . what makes you think that?

He's 11 years older than you.  You're not comfortable hearing about his past, but every 34yo has a past.

He owns a bar which means he is always around inebriated people, probably in a sexually charged atmosphere.

You went out for 2.5 months before he started losing interest.

He dumped you three days before a planned vacation.

He does drugs.

What exactly makes any of that "a good thing"?

I think you need to accept that he enjoyed the first couple of months and then realized he just wasn't as compatible with or interested in you as he thought at first.  It happens.  Get your things back but let it go.  Don't embarrass yourself by trying to get *him* back.  He broke up with you - you have to accept it.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 2:41pm

zeppelin12290 wrote:
<p><span style="color:#000000; font-family:Calibri, sans-serif; font-size:16px">Hello, I'm hoping to get some insight. My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago today, and I miss him. A little background history : we knew each other for about two years before we started dating. He's asked me out numerous times but I turned him down because he had a bad reputation of being a ladies man and the age difference put me off (he's 34 and I'm 23.) I finally went on a date with him and we hit it off. For the first 2.5 months he was practically obsessed with me. He owns a bar and I work day shift so it was a struggle trying to spend time together but he did all he could to see me. He told me he loved me and that he felt more for me than he's ever felt for a girl before. We booked a wine trip for April (that never happened) and a vacation in May (that's obviously not happening either.) Anyway, things were going well until he started blowing me off the last three weeks, not calling as much, hardcore partying (I believe with drugs) ect. He was under a lot of stress so I tried to let it go. When we did hang out it seemed "off". I started to get cold because I was nervous about what was going on. I made a dumb comment about how I don't like being in public with him (everyone knows him and I'm a very shy girl) because I hate hearing about his past. Last week he called me and said he's done a lot of thinking and thinks we're not compatible and better off friends(three days before our trip). I was floored because he was so into me. I didn't talk to him and two days after he dumped me he texted me and said "I hope you're okay and not to mad at me. If you need anything you can always call me". I haven't spoken to him since. The only way I'll run into him is if I go to his bar. I think we have a good thing and I'd like to try again. I also need my things from his house regardless of us. Should I contact him or keep the no contact going?  (Btw I'm an aquarius and he's a scorpio if that makes a difference) </span></p>

No, the sun signs do not make a difference.  This is about incompatibility, not astrology.

You should call and tell him that you need to get your things.  You'll both figure out the logistics of it.

I dont' think it's a good idea to 'try again'.  He's already said he's done.

You two would probably be better off as friends and he sees that more clearly than you right now.  In time, you will come to agree with it.  He's not the kind of guy you need if you cannot accept who he is, how he is right now, today.  Anytime you have to start degrading a man because his lifestyle intimidates you, then you're not compatible with them.  I applaud him for seeing this and cutting you loose and not stringing you along with psychotic hope for something to blossom with him.

The next time your "spider senses" are tingling over a possible dumping, instead of launching broadsides that you end up regretting, you should sit them down and calmly discuss with them that you sense a shift in their feelings and dealings with you and ask him if there is something to it.  More than anything else, it was probably what you said that caused him to rethink the wisdom in being involved with you.

The key here is: he doesn't think that what you two had was a good thing, so you're going to have to accept that and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 3:00pm

I guess when it's in black and white it looks worse. We were really happy. Strangers came up to me to tell me that they've never seen him like this, he even showed my picture around to everyone and said he's fallen deep. So I just don't think that in less then two weeks (after dating since the middle of December)  feelings can just disappear like that. As for "excepting him" the way he is I did. I dealt with a lot of stuff after deciding to be offical with him and I handled it perfectly. I think he got scared and pulled away. I'm not trying to figure out a way to convince him to love me. The real question comes down to that once he got emotional with me he got nervous and backed away. That's why I'm not sure if I should get my things now or give him more space before we see eachother again.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 3:45pm

zeppelin12290 wrote:
<p><span style="color:#000000; font-family:Calibri, sans-serif; font-size:16px">I guess when it's in black and white it looks worse. We were really happy. </span><span style="color:#000000; font-family:Calibri, sans-serif; font-size:16px">Strangers came up to me to tell me that they've never seen him like this, </span><span style="color:#000000; font-family:Calibri, sans-serif; font-size:16px">he even showed my picture around to everyone and said he's fallen deep. So I just don't think that in less then two weeks (after dating since the middle of December)  feelings can just disappear like that. As for "excepting him" the way he is I did. I dealt with a lot of stuff after deciding to be offical with him and I handled it perfectly. I think he got scared and pulled away. I'm not trying to figure out a way to convince him to love me. The real question comes down to that once he got emotional with me he got nervous and backed away. That's why I'm not sure if I should get my things now or give him more space before we see eachother again.</span></p>

Get your things now and give him space and don't count on seeing each other again.  If he changes his mind, he will let you know. If you get up in his space right now pleading for a second chance, it will serve to push him further and further away.

Yeah, I've had friends of the guys I"ve dated in the past say the same thing to me about said guys---and not too long after that, the dump went down.  IMO, they are feeling you out and going back to him to tell him "oh man, she's really fallen for you.. look out..."  IOW--they're interfering.  Remember: they are his friends, not yours: their loyalty is with him. It's when their friends have not said this to me that the relationships took off.

The only person whose opinion matters when it comes to the state of your relationship is his, not theirs.  Right now, he is saying "we're incompatible".  And it's true: you don't accept his way of life. You don't approve of his partying and alleged drug usage. I"m not saying you should.  You have a right to how you wish to conduct your life; it doesn't mean the guy owes you obedience: it means that guy is not the right guy for you if he puts store in behaving that way at the expense of shutting you out. 

Do'nt buy into thinking that his giving you another chance is going to erase or ignore a large part of who he is.  It won't.  And when you complain about it, he'll put you back through what you're going through now. 

All that lovely stuff he did back in December has evaporated days before you two were to take a trip with one another. Be it nerves, emotions--whatever--it was strong enough for him to put the brakes on things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 9:53pm

The break-up could have been from something that wasn't just about you. Maybe a woman hit on him and he wanted to take her up on it, and realized that if he was thinking like that then he didn't belong in a monogomous relationship. Maybe he had made up some fantasy about how a relationship would be with you, and as the reality of day to day set in he realized that the fantasy wasn't playing out. Not to say that he wasn't really in to you for the 2.5 months, but some people are just not constant when it comes to relationships---that could be how he got the reputation as a ladies man.

And don't underestimate the difficulties of bridging an 11 year age gap at your age. They are a lot of experiences and maturing that take place during the 20s that he has been through and you haven't.

Whatever it was, he felt it enough to break off with you and you have to accept it. If it had been a 4 year relationship it would warrant trying to work it out, but 4 months is like a probationary period, and this relationship didn't pass. Arrange to get your things back, wish him well, and move on. Think of him fondly as a brief but good time in your life.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 4:16pm

You should be glad that he leveled with you and was honest and straightforward about how he feels about you and the relationship. You hear more often about guys plod along in a relationship they know is not really working for them, but they don't say anything, keep it to themselves. Or they go and cheat with someone, or someones. Or they disappear, incommunicado, etc. You can at least respect him for telling you straight out. For now get your stuff and respect his decision for now, move on and see what the future holds for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Mon, 04-22-2013 - 9:46am

Well here's an update : I ended up texting him to meet up for my things. It was quick since he was on his way to work but wasn't terribly awkward. On my drive home he texted me and said it was really nice seeing me and if i ever want to get lunch, go for drinks, ect just let him know. i simply said it was nice to see you to and ended it at that. 

Last night I hung out with one of his friends (strickly platonic we knew each other separately  and he was floored when he found out. He said how he was so into me and was really happy so he didn't see this coming. I'm more so in the process of letting it go since it doesn't make sense to anyone who knows him anyway, except the fact he's a commitment phobe and apparently got to close to me and it freaked him out. I guess I just wish I had a clear answer to what went wrong, but as with most things in life nothing is black and white.