With no contact, I'm very stubborn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
With no contact, I'm very stubborn.
4
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 8:32pm

As much as I would like to be the one to seek her out, I cannot. It was her unilateral decision to end things and I really stuck to my guns to make her think that I was through when she predictably came a callin' about two months later. Well, I guess it worked!

I thought that if this girl was truly, deeply sorry for what she had done, that she would persist in trying to win me back; that she would exhaust all possible avenues for reconciliation. I thought to myself, "Dammit, I'm worth it. She put me through hell and now she's going to have to work her tail off to get me to give her the time of day." It's quite evident that her level of stubbornness matches my own as we have now passed the four year point.

I wanted her to tell me that she loved and missed me. That's all I ever really wanted to hear from her. It probably would've been enough. Those words never came. She's stubborn as a mule but I'm the real jackass.

I'm seriously contemplating giving in and looking her up. Aaargh! I don't want to do it but I don't want to live with the regret of having never tried. The simple fact is that I still love her. I suppose I always will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 10:18pm

Hey,

Your doing GREAT with the NO CONTACT Thing!

I'm sorry, I thought maybe that might make you laugh! I'm having a hard time on DAY 17! I think, if it makes you feel unsettled on how you left things....I would look her up BUT, not to reconcile, just to say Hi & see how life is going. Maybe if it makes you feel better to say how you feel, do it. Just remember, her life could've changed a lot since too. Maybe if you tell her all the things you wanted to that bothered you over the years, maybe it might surprise you that she had things to say too! Good Luck but I don't think it would hurt to make contact. I just wouldn't make it a contact to try to work things out 4 yrs later. You never know though, maybe she is single now too??

Sweetie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 10:33pm

....."I thought that if this girl was truly, deeply sorry for what she had done, that she would persist in trying to win me back; that she would exhaust all possible avenues for reconciliation."..... I hate to break it to you, but since she obviously hasn't exhausted all avenues of approach and didn't persist in trying to win you back, doesn't that tell you something? Does it not tell you that it is quite possible--- no, in fact, quite *probable*--- that she has in fact moved on? Maybe it's time for you to do it too.

Stubbornness has nothing to do with it, this is not some battle of wills, who can hold out longest; you're ASSUMING she's being stubborn, when in fact she may have just lost all interest by now. She *was* the one who initially broke it off, correct? Your righteous act after she came calling may have put her off irrevocably. Again, as long as *you* persist in actively convincing yourself day in and day out that you are in love with her, you will never be able to convince yourself otherwise. I wish for you and everyone on this board a happy and healthy relationship that is loving and fulfilling. Tell me, are you going to get there from here?

Best,

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 10:56pm

Hi,


I just have to point this out:


::It was her unilateral decision to end things and I really stuck to my guns to make her think that I was through when she predictably came a callin' about two months later. Well, I guess it worked!


I thought that if this girl was truly, deeply sorry for what she had done, that she would persist in trying to win me back; that she would exhaust all possible avenues for reconciliation.


Persist?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 12:40am

Hi

As one who's in a similar situation I can relate. I'm also a guy and have found the support here tremendous.

She broke up, you maintained NO CONTACT, she came back "curtain called"--you pushed back. Well done. You've been strong. You made some decisions, you understood your anger and pain and you stuck to those feelings.

But don't confuse yourself by suddenly changing your feelings and emotions.

What you're feeling---the regret, the anger, the despair---they're all part of the grieving process. We bounce back regularly from them.

As guys we're also conditioned in some ways to avoid "losing". No one wants to be "replaced". My ex-gf did the same thing. We ended and she jumped into another "serious" relationship. Her behaviour's appalling. She knows it. But she can't help herself.

But let's focus on YOU. What do YOU want? You want to be with someone who's moved on and doesn't want to be with you?

Yes, she contacted you. Was it out of regret or because she didn't want you to dislike her or because she felt guilty? It doesn't matter. You reacted appropriately by pushing her away.

Bear in mind this pain is only temporary. Our feelings aren't real, they're simply a reaction to a variety of stimulus. If we're emotionally healthy, then our feelings serve as a defense mechanism to protect us from further hurt. If we are not emotionally healthy, our feelings shift without any reason and we don't know how we feel from one moment to the next. Keep that in mind as you move through this.

Also, bear in mind that YOU have a responsibility too. You are not a "victim". Her behaviour may have been hurtful and unforgivable but let's focus on YOU. You had choices. What was it about her behaviour that caught you off-guard and lead you to be so hurt? Was this an evenly balanced healthy relationship? What would you do differently?

When I read about all the posters trying to find ways to get their partner back I get a little frustrated. I think the sad reality is we should all see our ex's as just that---ex's who've moved on without us. It's sad. It's heart-wrenching.

But inner peace and healing can only come by understanding OUR behaviours, emotions and responses.

From the sounds of it, you reacted as any normal healthy person would to being rejected. You shut her down and cut her loose. Now there's a hole in your life. You've lost a lover, a friend, a confidante---so have I.

But you'll make other friends and they'll be better friends and lovers if you LEARN from this and move on.

For now, NO CONTACT is about YOUR healing NOT about being "Stubborn".

Dump your reunion fantasies, they're only dragging you down.

Focus on YOUR motivations, healing and reaction.

Vent here...write your heart out---we'll read, we'll listen...we'll offer insights.

DON"T use your ex partner as a therapist.

I did that...I vented to her...and what did I get? More hurt. She just pushed back, became defensive, she doesn't think there's a problem...

Well done, be proud of your NO CONTACT and understand that what you're feeling is for now normal. Just don't get stuck in it. Good luck!