No contact isn't an option - HELP :S

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2007
No contact isn't an option - HELP :S
3
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 1:34pm
When I've gone through breakups in the past, I find the no contact thing to be a BIG help. But my ex broke up with me 4 months ago and it still feels like it happened yesterday. Get this-HE cheated, I found out and wanted to work through it, and yet HE broke up with me. I was pregnant when he broke up with me and now we have a little baby so I have to talk to him a few times a week and see him often and I find it so much harder to cope with things having to stay in such close contact. I guess part of me still wants to work through it, mainly because we have our baby together and I do miss the person he was before all this happened. I need to find a way to let go of that and it is just so hard given the situation. I am still such a mess and I don't know what to do :S
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 3:35pm

First off, congratulations on your little one.

I'm really sorry to read your story - because I'm a single mom and I know how that can feel sometimes. Of course, I have three kids and they just write me off as crazy mom. *laugh*

Here's my honest advice - get a legal custody arrangement. I'm assuming that you are not married... but you DO need the custody agreement to protect yourself.

Stick to the agreement, and try not to spend time together simply because of your child. That's not fair to the baby and it's not fair to mom or dad either. If you decide to reconcile, some serious therapy is in order because I'm sorry but men who cheat once... and then walk away... have a tendency to cheat again unfortunately.

My ex husband had an affair after our youngest was born. He had the affair so that I would divorce him. She actually ended up pregnant and was one of my closest friends. Imagine the explanation that I got from the GUY WHO DELIVERED MY PIZZA ONE NIGHT... yeah... everyone knew but me. NO KIDDING.

He knew that infidelity was the only grounds I believed in for divorce - but he knew that he was destroying me. So he had an affair and made sure I heard about it - just didn't expect the new little one to come out of it - and the next day I filed the divorce papers. I wanted out - but I needed that push and he respected me enough to give it to me IF that makes sense in some way?

Now that I look back, I should have left the first time he pushed me...

Anyhow... we are friends now. We don't "hang out together" or anything like that. Although I did have dinner with him and his g/f the other night. They sent ME flowers during the first week of the break up and told me to hang in there. He actually sat down and told me that I am the only woman he would have chosen to be with has he not had to deal with an addiction. He told me that he will never stop loving me, although not in the same way. And, that C has no idea what it is that he's walking away from because I am probably the most loyal woman on the planet. I giggled. It was nice.

Anyhow I digress.

You need time. And, even if there is to be a reconciliation you need to have trust and honesty. You need to hear, from his mouth, the WHOLE story. You won't want to - but you do need to make him tell you.

But honestly, if you don't think you will reconcile then you need to get a custody and visitation order in place... asap. TRUST me... if you reconcile it can be voided later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 5:31pm

You might want to read the good advice here:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlbreaking/?msg=21806.2


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 5:49pm
to be honest i was going to advise you to stop contacting him...BUT there's a big problem there's a baby that is involved...my advise is try to work things with him maybe he'll change his mind..if not well let him support his baby...dont let him get away with it....cuz if not his gonna keep on making other's pregnant too and leave them....let him BE RESPONSIBLE...GOOD LUCK