No Contact = Permanent

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
No Contact = Permanent
10
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 2:42pm

I've posted before on the boards: I'm 27, my ex is 33, he broke up with me almost two months ago after two years of a very easy, enjoyable relationship because he was unsure of me/us/the future/what he wants. It was very hard, we both cried, he didn't have a lot of answers to give me -- something just told him it was not right. We have not seen each other or spoken since two days after our breakup, when I collected my things from his house. I left communication up to him and said it was his to own. He told me he'd want to check in to see how I was in a week or two, after a little time had passed. I said I was not sure how I felt about that, but left it up to him. I have not heard from him. I go back and forth between how I feel about this. In the beginning, it completely shattered me more and more as each day went by and I never heard from him. I am not waiting for his call now, but I do think about it and whether he would ever reach out to me. I am very firm about me not contacting him. It was my last promise to him -- that communication was his. I've stuck to it for nearly two months now.

I saw a few of our mutual friends last night for dinner and found out that he does not have the intent to contact me after all. My ex is exceedingly private and has not said much to friends or family about our breakup and why he did it. His reasons to me were a little nebulous, too. No one saw it coming, especially me. Our friends and families were also very shocked and saddened. Two of our mutual friends who I saw last night, two guys he grew up with and are his closest friends, had been out with him a couple weeks back and decided to see if he would open up more about our breakup. The other couple of times they have seen him since we broke up, they mentioned it and he immediately clammed up, just saying it was hard and sad, he was hanging in there. But then he'd change the subject. So this most recent time they all got together, they asked if my ex had been in touch with me (they knew he had not though) and he said no. They asked him why and he said that too much time had passed and he felt weird calling now to check in on me. They pressed him more for why and kind of ganged up on him, asking him if he thought that was best and why. He was short with them and said he that he didn't really know what to say to me, and he felt badly and didn't want to hurt me more or make things harder. They said it got awkward and he clammed up and it was clear he did not want to talk about it any more. Because of his reaction, they changed the topic.

When I heard this, I burst into tears. And I don't really know why. Everything he told them about why he had not reached out to me is exactly what I had been thinking. There were no surprises here. And I am not waiting around for him to call like I did in the few weeks following our breakup. I also agree -- what really is to be gained from a phone call? Why drudge through this, especially if neither of us feels like we have anything to say and he can't give me any more answers as to why he ended this?

But, I guess hearing that those words came from him and that he truly had no intentions in contacting me -- potentially ever -- still felt hurtful to me. It makes me feel completely discredited, like I'm not even worth the breath, like our relationship was such a minor blip that he can toss it so simply and refuses to talk about it to his closest friends even. I did not fall in love with a robotic, unfeeling person. His approach to this just seems so mechanical. Again, I don't think contact would be good and I understand why for us both, but this just seems like direct evidence that he has truly cut this off and out of his life, and just left it, me and us in the dust and kept walking without ever looking back. It's hard, to feel like this is a setback, another kick. I'm working hard to move away from this with grace, but it is so hard.

I think about me not contacting him, him not contacting me. We could easily just never be in touch ever again. That in itself is so very sad. Even if it is necessary or true, it is still gravely sad to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 3:41pm

Erin, I truly, truly feel for you. I am going through something very similar.

It is so hard to try and figure out what is going on in an exs mind when they just dont contact you at all. You think, is he really over me that fast? does he even think of me at all anymore? was i just a blip on the radar?

I have no answers, Im sorry, but another poster here said something in another post that of course our exs have not forgotten about us, its human nature to think of people from your past. Do we just forget about guys we have ended things with? No.

At least in your case it doesnt sound like he has forgotten about you, like as if he is dating someone new/in love or living up the single life. Obviously just hearing your name is hard for him so he is probably not over the breakup.

I know it hurts so bad, just try to keep waking up every day and just focus on taking care of YOU and making it through today. And try to do whatever makes you happy, and vent on this board when you need it (has been a lifesaver for me). Then in a few months time, maybe in the fall, you can re-evaluate your situation and go from there.

PS Congrats on being SO strong on the no contact, quite an achievement! You really sound like a very put together and great person, so I sense you can get through this too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 3:47pm

Erin.....

I completely understand where you are coming from. My ex broke up with me in an email and never, ever called to make sure I was okay. I was really, really sad about it but now I am furious. I know our situations are a little different but I could relate to your message a little. I thought he would care enough about me to at least check on me....at least once. I also am sad though because it is really rough to try to tell yourself that you might never see this person that you love with all your heart....ever again.

Hang in there.

Jenn

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 3:49pm

Erin--never is a very, very long time. It does no good to think that way. I don't mean this meanly so please don't take it the wrong way--but I have seen in your posts a bit of a tendency to over-dramatize things and this is an example of that, both in thinking in terms of "never" and thinking that him not talking to you means you were nothing more than a "blip" to him. I'm sure you know in your heart that is far, far from the truth.

Hurtful as it may be, your ex is right that contact now is pointless but that hardly means you'll NEVER speak to him again or that you didn't mean anything to him.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 4:31pm
Good to see a post from you Sheri, I know you said you've been around, but I haven't seen you. I guess were weren't reading the same posts. Anyways, how are you, and is your summer going? Any new men in your life? I'm enjoying being single, and focusing on me. I truly believe, my special man is out there. Good too hear from you, take care, and keep posting the good advice...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 4:34pm
I am 34 and my ex is 37. He wants no contact with me after the years we spent together (which is fine with me, but at first it was tough). Even had the audacity to call a friend of mine and tell him to tell ME never to contact him. I was floored. I had called him to resolve an insurance issue, the honest truth, not to chat or rehash our history together. Some people are just like that. I have never in my dating history, dissolved a long term relationship like this so it was new territory. Hang in there hon, like we all say, it does get easier. Hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 9:11am

Hi Erin

I completely understand where you are coming from because, I am there as well.

My ex told me, don't call me, don't email me, don't text message me, yada yada yada.

It's been four months and we somehow keep it touch, here and there, because, she needed something from me, or I needed something from her, etc. Our kids keep in touch like they are sisters and so, even that has us having contact. At first, she wouldn't even talk to me, but the other day, we had a small conversation. She is still complaining about things, but at least, we can talk civil. I think over time, we will end up talking to each other more and more, especially since our daughters talk all the time and get together more often now.
She hasn't talked at all about the relationship as she likes to keep all that stuff inside. I want to talk about it, but I am not pushing her. I am letting her drive that.

I think it will get better over time for you too. You just have to be patient and wait.

Have a great day and work on YOU.

Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 9:44am

Thank you for your replies. I am sorry for those who are in the same boat. It is so hard to feel this way. Even after two months, sometimes I have to remind myself that I am single and not with him. Getting used to a new routine and way of life that does not include him has been exceptionally hard. It is so cliche, but I have had to start to restructure a lot of my life and myself. And a lot of the time, I don't like to have to do it!

Part of me wishes that I could be like him....just box up two years' worth of memories and living and shelve it. Not talk about it, likely not think about it, and just move forward, never looking backwards. I feel like this is what he has been doing. So, I am partly jealous that he can turn the switch like this, but I also worry for him. He opened up to me, but not to others really. I feel sorry for him because of that and because he does not have that outlet any more. He is incredibly successful, happy and well-connected. But some of his closest friends, whom I am close with too, have said that they really *don't* know him that well. I know it sounds dramatic, but these emotions can cause that to come out....I feel like no one will ever love him like I could. I got him so well, I knew him inside and out. I wonder about him and if he will ever get married in the future. Who will she be? I feel so strongly that whoever it is she won't get him like I did, couldn't possibly love him as well I do. Who knows about me and my future...but when I imagine being in a RL with another man, marrying someone at some point, I wonder if I'll always hope that it was my ex I was with.

It's being blindsided by a break up and not having a lot to go on as to why it happened that is tough. The no contact is hard, too. It hurt beyond words in the first few weeks when he never called. I felt so worthless and sad that he could not even bother to see how I was doing. Now that more time has gone by, I know that contact now is not for the best. But in the beginning -- it was like being dumped over and over again every night my phone did not ring.

As far as the forever aspect of no contact. I honestly think it could be permanent. We live in different towns and work in different areas. There is very little chance of running into each other. And our mutual friends will be careful of plans that include one or both of us. I've been able to stay friendly with a few exes from my past. But this relationship was incredible and the breakup was the hardest thing I've experienced. I don't want to be friends with him, and do not want to see him. It would just be too hard. With other breakups, whether I initiated them or the guy did, I usually could imagine us being in touch and seeing each other. When I left his house to drive home, I just felt for sure it was the last time we'd see each other. And maybe it is for the best, but it is still hard to swallow even two months later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 12:42pm

hi all

my ex has done the same thing to me....the last contact I got was an email to tell me he wouldnt be contacting me again

its hard to deal with...we used to spend so much time just talking or emailing and now nothing

i feel your pain and send my support

katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 5:23pm
I went through something similar. After 5 weeks of minimal contact with my ex (he'd broken up with me 3 weeks before, and I really didn't handle it well, but I really made an effort not to contact him because it hurt too much when he didn't return my messages- it was so one sided I knew that if I didn't text him he wouldn't get in touch with me), I decided to see if we could patch things up and be friends, and he told me he didn't see the distance between us as a problem, and thought things were fine as they were (ie not seeing each other unless we bumped into each other at work or said a quick hi in a bar, before going back to our own friend groups). He didn't want to see me socially any more often ("If I still wanted to be with you I wouldn't have broken up with you would I?" ouch!!) and hadn't thought about our relationship or even missed it, it just didn't cross his mind from day to day. I felt crushed- how can you go from being so in love with someone to not even wanting to see them around? I had hoped that he atleast still cared about me and would want to still be friends, like I do about him! How can blokes just switch their feelings off and move on so quickly, while I'm stuck 2 and a half months after the break up still dreaming about him and crying when I hear our song on the radio? It makes me feel like I didn't mean that much to him, if he could forget it so easily and not even miss it. I feel so stupid and naive
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 7:52pm

Hi,

Your ex probably is hurting and he's just dealing with it the way most guys would - by avoiding communication altogether. I know this doesn't sound very comforting but it's just the way guys are. If you've read the Mars/Venus books, you'll see that most men go "into their caves" and simply shut down. Maybe your ex really doesn't think there's anything more to say but I feel that he'll come around at some point (maybe in a few months) and offer you a clearer explanation. However, you should ask yourself this first: Did he already give you a reason for the break-up? If so, you just need to accept his words for face value and try to let it go. I know it's not easy and it's only natural to ask yourself Why? Why? Why? But in most cases, the "why" can be answered as "We just didn't feel the same about a future together." I know it's sad - but you deserve to be with a man who feels the same way you do.

For now, just try to take care of yourself and do something that makes you happy! Go shopping, take up a new hobby, enjoy going out with your single friends. I find it helps when you look at your future from a new perspective... a perspective with fresh and UNLIMITED POSSIBILITIES.

Best wishes,

J