No contact rule?
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No contact rule?
| Thu, 02-17-2005 - 7:06am |
I recently broke up with my bf of two years and had lived with him for 9 mos. It was not a good match, he wasn't particularly nice to me or attentive, tended to lie and be irresponsible but I admit that I was at a low and difficult point in my life so I struggled to make a sinking ship float. I'm in the middle of coping with the empty romantic space in my life being on the opposite coast as my family with a cat to dote upon and a few friends. I had my ex over for dinner last night and it was difficult for both of us. We still love each other but aren't sure how to act and hugs are awkward at best. I know he's not the right one for me, I've never felt truly valued. So I'm struggling between heart and head with the head side of me slowly winning but I need more support and know I'll get a few down-to-earth responses. What is the no contact rule?

Divorced myself, I can say from experience that sometimes we stay in relationships that aren't right for us because an intimate relationship is something like a web in which we're caught, made up of habits, routines, memories, feelings, hopes and dreams, etc. Sometimes this construct of the relationship, the usual Wednesday night Chinese, the daily phone calls at work, the sex, the shared plans, the past memories, that's the hardest thing to let go. Sometimes it's easier to part with your partner than with the life you've created together.
No contact helps you disengage and break all of these threads of the relationship web. That's why it's so hard, at first, because the first day you go through without a phone call, or someone waiting at home, that's tough. I had a medical emergency, and going to the ER without my ex, not calling him to tell him what had happened or that I was okay, that was so strange, it was very hard. I firmly believe it's only possible to end a relationship in a healthy way and truly ready yourself for finding a new life on your own if you go "cold turkey," however. I don't think small instances of contact, friendship, or "ex sex" help you at all in the process of getting past this very difficult time in your life. Every contact with your ex is just incredibly fraught with emotion, memories, and even frustration at why it didn't and couldn't work out. Every time you have contact, you plunge yourself back into the anxiety and self doubt and longing for better times in your relationship or some miraculous cure to your current situation. And, if you're anything like most couples, at some point you may find yourself hurting each other, because each of you is walking this emotional tightrope every time you're in contact, and it becomes very likely you'll say or do something hurtful to each other. Even just evidence that one of you is moving on (like dating again) will be painful.
No contact means that you completely disengage from this person for some indefinite period of time, until the both of you feel ready to be in contact as friends, if that ever happens. I know that, right now, the thought of never seeing him again, never talking to him again, not having him in your life, that seems too awful and overwhelming. It's a symptom of withdrawal. If you think you could be friends some day, and you can't bear the thought of him not being in your life, then think of this as temporary, a phase when you have to take your medicine to get better. But you may find that it is easiest and best to have fond memories of your relationship, but clarity in your heart and mind that it is in the past and you must move forward, so that contact is more of a hindrance than a pleasure to you. You don't have to decide now if this is "no contact forever" or "no contact for six months or a year until I have no more attraction to him." But no phone calls, no emails, no checking on his IM profile, no asking mutual friends about him, no sending gifts, no contact with him and no contact designed to learn about or communicate with him through third parties.
Dear Unity30,
I am just posting this message to tell you that not contacting your ex in any way DOES work as I am living proof of this.
Yes,at first I found it really difficult to go through a whole day without even hearing his voice or at least getting a text message from him,but as the days roll by you start getting used to the fact that the person is no longer part of your life.
In fact,I dread the day he would try to contact me as I am scared that all the memories of our relationship would come flooding back.
So for now I will just continue moving on with my life without looking back - and this is what you should do too !!
Good luck !