no contact rule?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
no contact rule?
6
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 2:41pm
Hi -

I have posted many times before but not for close to a year. I have found this board to be a great help in dealing with relationships. So, thank you in advance!

My situation:

dated bf for 2 yrs - he broke up w/ me after 1 year because he was "unhappy" and he felt he was different and couldn't make me happy. Went to therapy (together)for a few sessions - were better for a while - the sex life was always TERRIBLE - he never wanted it and was addicted to internet porn & masturbation.

I went to therapy again alone w/o him knowing. Therapist told me to get out. Finally got out last week - I did it over the phone after weekend for a wedding out of town - I feel guilty but we had discussed this too many times in person w/o it getting anywhere. PLUS he put so many boundaries up and told me the he didn't feel that the intimate connection was there - I had had enough. My therapist told me she thinks he has narcissistic personality disorder and it makes 100% sense to me now.

My dilemma: since we broke up (9 days ago) he has sent me a card, called 4 times (I had called him back once and sent an email) but he also "had" to go to Vegas over the weekend for a work show that started Sunday (I hadn't heard anything about it before we broke up - 4 days earlier, on Labor day!). His last message (Monday) asked him to just let him know if I wanted to hear from him or if I just needed time.

Bottom line, we were best friends, talked 5 times a day, and he is now friends with all of my friends. Is the best way to get through this to just say that we can't have any contact for a while and to not contact me? Is there any other way? I know he hurts but for different reasons than I hurt - I hurt for loving a fantasy, he hurts for the admiration, companionship, and love that he is now missing.

Any advice on the best way to move forward? Should I try to meet with him to get closure?

Should I send an email asking for him to leave me alone (he said an email would be OK)? Should I call him? I don't mean to be handling this badly, I just want to get through it. I think no matter what he is going to be mad unless he thinks he has full control of me and my emotions.

Thanks to all !

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 2:49pm
First of all, welcome back. It sounds like you've been through a really rough year. Since the two of you went to therapy together and even the therapist told you to leave him it does sound like you did the right thing. So your question seems to be how do you proceed, right? Most people would recommend total no contact, which means no emails, no phone calls, no seeing him, nothing. I agree that this is the best way to heal. If you're meant to remain in each other's lives, as friends, you will remain friends after your feelings have died down.

A breakup is traumatic. You invested two years of your life in this person. You had hopes, dreams, aspirations. You thought you might have a life together. No matter what your difficulties together may have been, no matter how awful he was at times, it is natural for you to miss him and to wonder if there isn't some way it could work.

It sounds clear to me though that the relationship is over. Once you truly accept that it will be easier to figure out how to proceed. No contact is really the easiest way because it gives you time to heal. If I were you I would email him telling him that you need time away from him to get over the relationship. Tell him that perhaps in time you will be able to be friend with him again, but that you don't know if or when this will happen. Ask him to respect your wishes not to contact you. And then say good bye.

I bet it will take you a while to get over the hurt of the relationship. It hurts to lose someone you loved. But you will survive, and you will be stronger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 3:24pm
Thank you so much - I know you are right. It's just hard to push that send button. I want to call him and be able to cry on each others shoulders but the email is the best way - and hopefully we will be able to be friends in the future.

It is over, and I will be OK, and I know I did the right thing. That button is still hard to push though ;).

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 3:37pm
You know what, there isn't one best way, the best way is what works for you. If you really feel you wanna call, then call. If you would like to see him one more time, do so. Just be aware that with each renewed contact you will hurt a little more. But if you need to do it, then do it. Don't be wondering what things may have been like if you had just seen him one more time.

Also, sometimes people CAN be friends. I have remained friends with my first love for over 20 years! He broke my heart into pieces when I was 18, and when he left me I just couldn't let go. So I clung to him for many years, past many unhappy relationships. When I finally got over him, about three years after our relationship ended, I could fully be friends with him. So sometimes it is possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 3:54pm
I just pressed the "send" button so it's done!

Thank you again.......... I didn't need to talk and open up the wounds anymore - you were right - it would have only put me back more steps.

It's hard but I think the other way (continued contact) would have been much harder. I don't think working through this together would have worked.

Originally, I thought we might be able to continue to date & date other people but I realize that would never have worked.

You are right - you are delightful and I appreciate the support :)

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 4:00pm
Thanks, curious. Please feel free to email me through my profile when the going gets rough. I find it helps to have a few cybershoulders to cry on. We're all in this together and it just really sucks, doesn't it? But we'll get through it and come out of the other side stronger, braver and more together than ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 6:02pm
Thanks, Delightful!

What is your situation? Or, what posts should I look at to read about it?

Curious