no contact sucks!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
no contact sucks!!!
20
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 3:24am
i know its what is best for me, but it is sooo hard!! i want to call him so bad. even though when i do, he doesn't pick up, return my texts, emails etc. he hasn't for a week now. so i know it wouldn't do any good to even try. so why do i want to so bad?? ah!! i keep feeling like maybe i will catch him off guard and he will pick up his phone and maybe finally explain things to me!! i need closure!! but i know that even if he did pick up, he wouldn't explain things, he never does! so why do i keep feeling like this? why do i obsessively want to call him???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 2:52am

Yeah - I hate it too. I keep referring to this situation we're all in as 'sucking' and tried to think of a more descriptive word, but 'sucks' seems to fit so perfectly. This whole thing SUCKS!

Right now, my ex is online and has deleted the message next to his name on MSN that said 'So that's that I guess' and is now browsing the dating website where we met. I guess I AM that easily replaceable. Ouch.

So you called him. And texted him. And he didn't reply. What an a*s. How do we get mixed up with guys like this? (I really wish we all lived close to one another and could go for a drink and talk all night and b*tch and complain and be surrounded by people that really really understand.)

I'm not going to tell you all the things you already know: you need time, concentrate on yourself, don't call him blah blah blah. You already know all that and I so so SO understand who it's so so SO brutally hard to not want to contact someone who you have all these feelings for and who you want so much to be with again - if only for a moment. I remember how I used to hug my boyfriend and press my nose into his neck and just inhale him. I hate that I'll never be able to do that again. So far, I haven't called him. I'm not saying I never will, but in the meantime I'm posting an awful lot and trying to help other people with advice and compassion and trying to keep positive and stay strong. It's hard though - let's say it together: it sucks.

I remember having been ignored like it seems you are now. it's so awful. You have all these questions and your feelings get all mixed up in your head and you wonder if the rest of your life you'll be feeling this way and missing him and feel empty because he's not next to you. And so you call him (or text him) and he doesn't reply and you make these excuses for him like maybe he's really busy, or maybe he's crying so hard he didn't hear the phone or maybe he is out buying me a dozen roses and a diamond ring and left the phone in the car. I would always give him a few hours before I started freaking out because I wanted to believe so badly that he missed me too and loved me and still had all these 'feelings' for me. I hate to tell you, but no one ever showed up with roses and a ring.

There's no easy way out of this. None. I wish there was, because if there was, I'd be on the first train out of heartbreak-ville. And I'd drag you with me. But we just gotta get through it. Email me if you like - or just post here instead of calling him. I think I'll be on here a lot for the next few days (weeks?) and I think we should stick together in this.

L

Edited 7/2/2006 3:17 am ET by oryx72




Edited 7/2/2006 3:19 am ET by oryx72
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 3:54am
You are right, this plain sucks. there is no other way to say it. so... i emailed him. i figured it was a way to get things off my chest and tell him what i wanted to 10 days ago before he dropped off the face of the planet. that doesnt mean he will reply, but at least i feel like i have said what i needed to say. yuck. it doesnt make it easier. now i really will try sooooo hard to not contact him ever again, or at least until he contacts me first. its just... really, am i expected to be strong? after the end of 6 year relationship? freshly broken up (2 weeks only...) i am still so sad. i am still in shock and denial, the first stages! anyway... i am not going to beat myself up for my "slip-up", but i will try harder from now on... but i still hate this.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 4:05am
Do NOT, I repeat do NOT beat yourself up for this. Six years is a long time to be with someone. You're not superhuman. It's natural to want to be in touch with someone you were with for that long. Give yourself permission to contact him. You will stop if it hurts too much. Hopefully you will hear from him and it will make you feel better ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 4:16am
thanks... i think so too. i have been with him SO long. I just.. i kinda wanted to know why he dropped off the face of the planet. i mean, one minute he just said he'd call me back (we were broken up at this point but still talking), and the next... well there never was a next basically. so its like... did he just move on or is it too painful for him to talk to me? the problem is i dont know whether it will make me feel better either way. if he writes back and gives me either answer... i mean, one is devestating and the other... kinda... keeps hope alive i guess, which i dont think is healthy for me right now. and if he doesnt write back... well, then what.. he's just an a$s? that is hard for me too, because its hard to think so badly of somebody you love so much... grrr. this is so confusing!!!
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 4:36am

So you've tried to contact him but he hasn't responded? Don't try too much, ok? It may make you feel bad. Dropping off the face of the earth after six years is totally uncool, to say the least.

The way my ex and I started no contact was kind of strange. We stayed in touch for four weeks after I left him. That entire time I had some hope we might get back together: we were talking every other day, emailing occasionally and we saw a therapist three times. But we weren't getting anywhere so I suggested we should just stop talking. He seemed unwilling to do this, so he suggested we keep in touch by email for a month. I agreed to it. That was 26 days ago, and neither of us has emailed the other.

In retrospect I think this is pretty characteristic of him. He just couldn't deal with saying a final good bye ... so he left things open. I still half expect to hear from him any day now ... and I may even contact him ... but I doubt that I will. I probably need to wait until the end of the summer at least.

So maybe you should give yourself a little more time? But whatever you do, please don't be hard on yourself. That just doesn't help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 12:45pm
Sometimes I really don't know how I'm going to get through this. My ex doesn't want to talk to me at all. There weren't even any warning signs at all. We never fought or even disagreed. One day he was completely in love and the next he ignored me. And then the next day he broke it off. My grandmother says that no one breaks up with someone without having someone else to go to. So great, he's interested in another girl. God, that really sucks. I too, have been dropped off the face of the planet. Everything is such a reminder of all the things we used to do. This is just too hard to go through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 1:39am
So i emailed him. it felt good because i got to say the things i've been wanting to, in a sort of non confrontational way. plus, since he doesn't answer his phone by emailing him i get to say it no matter what. but i dont know if i want him to actually reply... i do and i don't. just like... writing it made me feel better and worse at the same time. better because i feel like i needed to say that stuff and now maybe i can really leave the ball in his court, worse because i caved when i tried so hard not to. and because now i am obsessive about checking my email and scared one way or another what i will see. i asked him a couple things, kind of just trying to figure out why he said he would call me back one minute and then wouldn't answer my calls the next. i mean, i did tell him that talking to him hurt me and i didn't know if it was the best thing for me, but i wish he would have given me some indication that nc was starting, instead of just... well i dont know. because then i had to feel like a freak by calling him over and over again that first weekend, beating myself up because he was ignoring me. aargh! but now... i dont even know if i want him to reply because i dont know what i want him to say! i dont think we could work it out right now even if he wanted to, i'm not ready for that. but i just told him i am afraid that if we stay nc for too long (like, over a couple months), we will have this irreparable rift between us. and i still have hopes to get together sometime in the future (like, 6+ months down the road). i repeat... aargh!! stressful!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 5:23am
ok.. so the semi-happiness is wearing off... now i'm having major anxiety over whether or not he will write me back... yes, i care, yes, i want him to write me back, yes, i want him back in my life. AAAARGH!! i dont think i made the wrong choice by writing the email, but... well i was feeling good about it. like, ok, i wrote it, the ball is in his court now just sit back and relax and let him come to you. but HELLO!! why would he come to me? he hasn't called me in 11 days!!! Why am I so stupid??? i am stuck in this denial phase!!! we have been broken up for 2 weeks and i am still in shock half the time and denial the other! what is wrong with me!?! I'm just having such a hard time letting go! i can't face the fact that he might be really gone... here comes another horrible day...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 9:36am

Girl,
I am right there with you. After not having any of my questions answered for weeks I finally somehow convinced him to meet me last night and I pleaded for some explanations as to why he didn't want me anymore. I had always been the pursued one in our almost 2 year relationship and engagement. I always felt like he loved me more. Well the conversation was horrible. There aren't going to be any answers that are going to leave you feeling closure, at least not for me. When you are the dumpee and you weren't prepared for it - all I can imagine that will work is time. To actually hear the person verbalize an end to a part of your life and there's nothing you can do to save it is a virtual hell. My suggestion to you is stay strong and don't call. You are doing a great job and don't beat yourself up for not cutting it off the ways you might have wanted to. There are others out there who know exactly what you are going through.

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 9:52am
I can't believe how much the last 2 messages have sounded exactly like what I am going through. You are so right---this is virtual hell!!! Sometimes I think that he doesn't understand what he is doing so I have to tell him the consequences over and over, but that doesn't help. I feel like he is ending my life. I know I will call him in the next hour. I'm practically waiting by the phone. It's doubtful that I'll get to talk to him. He lives with his family and they are guarding me from him. They used to like me, but not now that he's decided to move on. I am not dealing well with the denial thing either. He just doesn't feel in love with me like I am in love with him. That is so heartbreaking...

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