No spark!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2007
No spark!
7
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 4:57am

I met a man in the end of January online. We emailed/spoke for about two months before we ever went on a date. Our first date was about a month ago and it was great. Two weeks ago, we went up to his cabin in Maine and went snowmobiling. What a fabulous weekend! I have met his family and he has met mine. We have had other dates and have even got our children together.

He seemed distant since we got back from our trip. His ex-wife cheated on him three times. Because he was being distant with me, I was giving him space thinking that maybe he felt things went a little to fast for him. He has been separated from his ex for about 5 years and has had other relationships since then, but most of them haven't lasted more then 4 months.

After dinner this evening, we spoke about what was on his mind. He said I am great, wonderful, beautiful, likes my family, but he isn't feeling that "spark". Says that is important to him. All his other relationships had this, but it fizzled out. He says he has a great time with me and likes doing things with me, but just feels as if I am just his best friend. He mentioned that when he went out the other evening with friends, he didn't miss me, that he was just having fun with them. Ouch! He said he was sorry, but just doesn't want to hurt me or lead me on. I respect him for this. BUT!!!, as we were speaking, he held my hand, caressed my face and gave me a decent goodbye kiss before he left. He said it isn't over until it is over. I am so confused. I feel that he should be missing me as much as I miss him. I asked him to try and give us a chance. Any advice on what he may be going through? Should I throw in the towel and just let him go? Or do I fight for him and push him to not give up?

Thanks for the help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
In reply to: distelk
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 9:45am

If he doesn't feel that "spark" he is looking for, don't fight for him or push him to not give up, and don't give in to him saying "it's not over".

His background - being seperated, cheated on, etc. - has nothing to do with you: those are his personal matters, and if they interfer in him forming new relationships, his issues to resolve, not yours to compensate for.

For there to be a "spark" in a relationship, it has to be fully felt on both sides. Though you've made a connection with this man, where's the "spark" for you if he isn't giving you much reason to feel excited and optimistic about what might lay ahead for you both?

He's told you that you aren't the "spark" for him, so do him a favour: give him all the space he needs to find the person he is looking for - don't contact him, and don't respond to any of his contact.

Unless you are content with being his "best friend" while he is on the hunt for the woman he is looking for, I think it's safe to conclude this man has already shown you the best he can give.

mblade2006

"Just because everything is different 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: distelk
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 9:54am

Here's what NOT to do: Don't push him, don't convince him. You will fail, and through no fault of your own.

See, what's going on with him is he's living for the spark, the sexual tension, the butterflies, that tickle down below, the buzzy feeling in his head, all the stuff he had with those other relationships that oh-by-the-way, never lasted more than four months. Yeah, I can see how *important* that would be, how much of an indicator of relationship success the spark alone is. (insert sarcasm here)

He's been left with a very limited, and immature really, view of what love should be. I don't know why some people are like that, maybe they've been watching too many Hollywood romances, but you would think that folks who have this skewed vision of what love is *and* who also have a bad relationship track record would put two and two together. But people walk out of marriages and relationships all the time for this exact same reason, they think long-term relationships should be on cruise control and either refuse, are too lazy or too disillusioned to do the work (meaning, **play**) it takes to keep a relationship happy, vibrant, sexy, fulfilling. And then they wonder, "How did it fall apart?" The big giveaway with him is he says the spark fizzled out in his other relationships. After four months? He's absolutely relationship-lazy, know that going in.

Funny, he's actually stumbled across the real foundation for what true love is with you, the friendship, the ease, the companionship, and apparently some sexual tension too, and all these can be built upon and *are* built upon in long-term relationships, but you're NOT going to ever be able to 'convince' him of that. Logic doesn't work in matters of the heart. His immature view of love will not be reasoned with, just like you can't reason with a small child.

What he needs to feel is the pinch, and feel it hard. Say to him, "Ok, if that's how you feel, I won't lower myself to say otherwise. It's been great and I really enjoyed getting to know you!" It's VERY important you keep that discussion super-upbeat and breezy, and then sit on your hands, do not call, do not reach out. See what happens and then let me know ;) I'm willing to bet good money he calls after a few weeks.

Oh, and the last thing you should do with a guy like this is ask for another chance. Don't do it again, it's incredibly unattractive and he's all about the attraction level. He *wants* to be kept off-balance (in a good way); remember that, no matter what he says. If you want to put forth that much effort and you think he's worth it, I suggest you get "Why Men Love B.I.T.C.H.E.S." it'll give you some good ways to up the ante on the attraction factor and get you feeling good about yourself. You're going to need that good feeling because guys like this require a LOT of effort.

Don't you dare call him until he calls you first ;o)

~~.: Sandra :.~~
CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
CL-Understanding Men




Edited 4/15/2007 10:35 am ET by cl-i_b_sandradee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2007
In reply to: distelk
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 9:44am

Thank you mblade2006 and Sandra for your advice and support. It helped me get through the tears yesterday. Today is better, not as many tears, but I am still feeling sick to my stomach and really don't have much of an appetite. I am strong and will get back up on the horse again, eventually.

I have been "talking" myself into getting mad instead of being sad. It just feels better. He just doesn't realize that he has given up the best thing he could have had. He may never realize this either, but at least I know it. I got that book you mentioned. I read the first two chapters so far and I am guilty of a couple of "nice" girl traits. An error on my part, but will not be any more. If he does ever call, I will definitely let you know. By then I should be a certified "BITCH"!!!

Thanks again!

Kimmie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
In reply to: distelk
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 9:55am

Just a gentle word of advice...

Instead of being a "bitch", as you wrote, I think showing a disconnection to this man the next time he gets in touch will do more in the long run for your self-esteem.

"Bitch" behaviour says "I am angry", where as an attitude that suggest you've disconnected yourself from this man says "you weren't that important and I've moved on".

If you want this man to kick himself from walking away from a good thing, letting him know that you know you can do better will help put his boot to his butt.

mblade2006

"Just because everything is different 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: distelk
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 10:04am

....."I got that book you mentioned. I read the first two chapters so far and I am guilty of a couple of "nice" girl traits. An error on my part, but will not be any more. If he does ever call, I will definitely let you know. By then I should be a certified "BITCH"!!!".....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: distelk
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 10:06am

I kinda figured someone would misinterpret what she and I were talking about ;)


Please read my post below yours

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2007
In reply to: distelk
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 2:54pm
I was just about to clarify the "bitch" part, but Sandra already did. Thanks and have a great day as well!