not coping, contacting, feeling pathetic

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
not coping, contacting, feeling pathetic
6
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 11:12pm

ok i posted days ago and didn't get much of a response, but i'm really not doing well. in a nut shell, with my bf for 2.6 years. i broke it off in june b/c i didnt feel in love anymore and wanted some freedom. he called me a month later and said we needed to be together he's realized what he lost and what he wants, etc. i said no, that i thought it best we move on and he cried (more like balled) and asked if he could just please be in my life as a friend. i told him i didn't think it was healthy, but if that's what he needed then so be it.

fast forward to 5 mos later and many conversations from him that i'm the only one he wants to be with, he knows for a fact, etc. as we weren't "together" during these 5 mos, we hung out all the time and were dating other people here and there. he goes to dinner with an old acquaintance. he seems weird after the dinner. quit talking about how we should get back together about how much he loves me, etc. i inquire and he says that he might possibly like to date her romantically, but it's not like that. hmmmm.

so last thursday he goes to dinner with the acquaintance. much to my surprise as even though we were allowed to be hanging out with others, neither of us seemed to be taking that route. in a childish rampage i said it was unhealthy to keep doing this and the best thing is to not talk. he argued, called and said he couldn't imagine me out of his life. the next morning, post dinner with the acquaintance, he says "you know you're right, it's time to move on, it's over, i don't want to be with you anymore or ever again". i know it has something to do with her, how could it not. i was devastaed.

i know, no one feels sorry for me b/c i wanted the freedom in the first place, but i wanted to be sure before i hunker down with someone for anymore of young life. i'm 25, soon to be 26 and i just wanted to make sure i wasn't making a mistake. needless to say he filled my head with all these rainbow and unicorn thoughts of love and how we were "meant" for eachother then blindsides me with "i don't want anything with you ever again". i'm having such a hard time dealing. i've been crying nonstop. didn't go to work on monday.

i called him today to inquire as to how this happened so quickly and what happened in his brain, and how i could have the same epiphany so that i could move on so suddenly. he just said he had a slap of reality and knows that he doesn't want me anymore and knows that if we continue to even ha ng out as friends it doesn't open him up to new relationships with people and it's time to move on. end of story. i just sat there, crying in my car, my face bright red, unable to go back to work for fear of embarassment. how could he just leave, just like that, and so nonchalantly. there's no emotion in his voice, no tears like before, no sadness. my heart is broken. i was coming around to thinking a life with him is what i wanted and then he just dropkicked me right in the heart to say, oops never mind, that was how i was feeling 2 weeks ago, i'm not feeling that way now. how do you move on from that? how do you not wonder what their doing a million times a day? how do you not sit and think about how lucky she is that she has all his attention and that he's getting rid of his ex, whom he told she was the one to, for her? i don't get it. i'm bewildered. people say i'm better off, but he was a nice guy. he wasn't mean, wasn't abusive in any form, romantic and affectionate; we just had different needs, but nothing that was relationship threatening. i just wanted some assurance from the outer world and it looks like eventually he just wanted someone else.

so blue......how do you cope out there? those of you in similar situations? how do you not call a 1000 x's a day and ask how, what, why????? why now and not when i was ready to let go, how come i made it so easy for you and allowed myself to be your crutch to carry you to this new safe harbor of someone else's shores and i'm just left here to hobble on home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 11:31am

lightening bulb...

Quick question from Pianoguy:

"What makes you think your needs...as well as HIS...would change (or be met) if the 2 of you ever got back together?"

The holidays are practically here...and along with them comes the 'sentimentality and regret' factors! But while most of us would like to share 'holiday time' with SOMEONE SPECIAL, there are at least a few of us who make poor choices---which are based on loneliness or an action from the past?

And these are THE ABSOLUTELY WRONG REASONS to even think about a possible reconciliation.

Suggestion:

Clean out the cobwebs from your past....then move forward into the future. It's really the only option you have..especially if you want to be TRULY HAPPY?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 11:42am

hey there,
first i have to say that you may not like everything i have to say, but i'm just being honest, so please read with open mind/heart, and don't get offended.

i was kind of in a similar situation as you. i was with my ex for 4yrs(lived for 2) and it was overall a wonderful relationship, he was wonderful, but i had my own issues, and was confused for many reasons(my stuff, not his), and i ended up breaking up with him..i hurt him very badly. the break up didn't hit me right away as it hit him because i was already too busy and running away from these break up issues by being in another relationship. he on the other hand was on his very painful/difficult healing journey, when i had not even begun...eventually, as time had passed and i forced myself to face these issues...i started to regret my decision. i wanted him back so badly that it hurt to breathe..this was the beginning of my healing/growing journey, whereas he was almost at the end of his and he didn't hurt over me/our break up as much, he didn't want me back anymore, he had accepted our break up, he was finally starting to heal and move on, even dating other people(nothing serious, and he didn't tell me, i just knew). at that point, i felt exactly how you feel right now. i thought he'd love me forever(sounds selfish/high/and coceited, i know)..i thought when i wanted to have him back on my terms, he'd be there waiting and willing..what a high horse i was on!!!!!!! i used to question him all the time too, how on earth could he get over me so quickly?, how did he move on so quickly? i used to ask him how he could be so cold hearted and to teach me how to turn my feelings on and off like a switch...but then i realized something, which i want you to realize..our ex's didn't just turn their feelings off..they have already gone through their healing, and just because we may have started ours late, or maybe our journey is just longer then their's doesn't mean they haven't been hurting like us. you made it very clear to your ex for the past 5months that you did not want to be with him, just like i made it clear to my ex that i didn't want to be with him..so they had to move on, just like we are trying to move on too. does this make sense? you even said yourself that your ex cried when you said "no" to him..we also tend to forget that they too are or did go through their own journey, and we don't see it or know it all the time because they don't tell us, and confess their feelings all the time, so when they are towards the end of their healing journey and they "drop the bomb" on us, so to speak, we are stunned, angry and shocked..which i guess is understandable, but we MUST remember, that they have/had a right to move on, and we should actually be happy for them that they are not hurting anymore, and yes it sucks, because we are still hurting and trying to find our way along our healing journey..but we can't be angry at them for that.

i know you're hurt, so am i, and my breakup was 1 year ago. so i know how you feel...but don't blame your ex, or even yourself. there really is no room for blame here. we all just need to take responsibility for our own choices and actions..not blame. and having contact with him after the break up ofcourse has probably caused more pain and confusion, it has for me too. my ex and i have had contact with eachother this whole year we've been apart, and it really doesn't help..i know you know that too. but again, we can't blame them..we had a choice and we chose to have contact with them.

i think you need to look deep inside, do soul searching and figure out why this has affected you so much..besides love etc, which is obvious, but i think there are deeper issues..we all do. i had to search too, and i still am, and the more you learn about yourself, the easier it will be to let go...sounds easier said than done..it will take a while. it's not just time, if that were the case, i'd be totally healed. so look within..sometimes we think it's about the other person(ex), but really it's about us, and finding ourselves.

take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 11:56am
i agree with what you said. i guess i just thought that even though we were technically broken up these past 5 mos, we still hung out all the time, it was just like that label of together was removed. you're right it was my choice to let go of the relationship and i know i'm mostly hurt now b/c it does appear easy for him to let me go and i know there is someone else he is interested in and has been spending time with and it makes feel betrayed b/c one week ago he was saying he thought we'd end up together. it's an influx of emotions and you're right, he began healing 5 mos ago, and i've just started my process now. i know i'll get over this, i'm already feeling better. it's just that everytime i have a new notion as to "why" he was really willing to actually let go comes into my head, i feel the urge to text him or call him and tell him what i know. sometimes he'll call back and feed me the same line of "it's time to let go" and sometimes he doesn't respond. it just seems unfair to me b/c when i was ready to walk away 5 mos ago, he wouldn't leave. he'd still call, still stop by, show up for lunch and me being the sucker and feeling guilty for causing his pain (since i didn't want to be in the relationship anymore) i'd let him stay or call him back. i just feel like i nursed him through his healing process and he's doing anything, but nursing me, he's flat out said, sorry deal with it on your own. that's kinda what i'm grappling with now, the abandonement. thanks for your post, it helped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 12:08pm
i know. i undertand the psychology behind everything. i know that i'm only feeling this burst of meeting eachother's needs b/c he's not here, but i know that if he was here or came back, all the same problems would resurface. i guess my ego led me astray and into a world where i believed i'd move on first or i'd be the one to let go and not vice versa. he was always there like this blind ray of optimism to make me reconsider why our relationship was so great. for the past 5 mos, i didn't really believe it and then recently after some failed dating experiences of my own, i started to think, maybe he is the only one i'll truly have a great relationship with. i know the reason he's able to let go so quickly is b/c he's found someone new to hang out with and that has cushioned the blow and takes the edge off the sadness. one of my guy friend's just emailed me and said "sometimes we know it's over for awhile in advance, but being a guy we don't want to go through a dry spell and we kinda just keep our options open". now that might make guys sound a little callous, but i kind of feel that was the situation too. instead of having the label of together we had no label and unfortunately were still sleeping together (much to my protest) and i think that just put another kink in my armor of letting go. now that there is someone new i can't help, but think that he just didn't want to go thru a dry spell and now that he's grazing in greener pastures, and dry spell free, i get the boot. holidays are coming up, my b-day is in 2 mos all of this is making me a mess. i just keep getting these urges to tell him all these revelations as to why it is truly over, when he's already told me why it's over. it's like i don't believe him and want to keep telling him, no it's over b/c of this, or no i know it's b/c of her that's why it's over. sometimes it makes me feel better when i tell him this, sometimes i'm sure it makes me look psycho, but we've both played our part as the mayor of psychoville in the whole calling scheme, so i'm not too worried about how i look. i just want to stop acting on these urges to call him and tell him all these revelations i've had post breakup as it won't spark a reconciliation and probably makes it easier on him knowing i'm still bothered by the whole debacle. thanks for the post. sorry for rambling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 12:15pm

i totally understand the sense of feeling betrayed, i went through that too. at one point he told me he would seriously think about getting back together, that was the most progress i made with him, so i was extremely hopeful..after two months of that, he finally told me "no" and it felt like breaking up all over again..later on i found out on my own that he'd been "talking" to many girls around that same time he said "maybe" to me, and it hurt really bad, and i felt so betrayed too, but really, i let him back in, he didn't force me..and i'm only human so i made a poor choice which caused me to take a million steps backwards in my healing, while he proceeded and that made me bitter too. also, at one point i was doing really good, i moved into a new apt that had no memories of him attached, i mourned our relationship, and i stopped calling him, and i was able to smile again. i even changed my #. well, my ex decided to look me up (after he's the one who made it very clear that we both needed to move on and have nc), and called me. the first call i didn't get mad because i figured he's human and maybe he had a weak moment. he kept calling me everyday wanting to see me, telling me he missed me, saying "maybe" AGAIN to getting back together..i begged him to not call me anymore because i was finally making progress in my healing...he didn't stop, and i didn't have the heart or strength to turn him away..so ofcourse, again, i fell backwards in my healing. i was angry and bitter again.."why when i was doing so well, he decided to pop back in my life again..etc", but then i had to realize again, that it was my choice and take responsibility. blame doesn't get us anywhere. in times like this, we just have to try to focus on the situation at hand..not the past, and figure out for ourselves what we must do for ourself for our own healing.

i'm glad you're feeling a little better. hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 5:15pm
I understand your feeling of abandonment. I feel abandoned by my so called ex. Now that he has a new girl in his life, I am out. We were hanging out as friends after he decided he didn't want to date me anymore in the romantic sense because he didn't see any long term potential in me but he wanted so badly to remain friends and sill hang out becase he liked my company.(How he decided to tell me all of this is another story.) I felt so bad for him because he sincerely didn't want to lose me as friend at that time. His voice quivered and he had tears in his eyes when he revealed this to me. How could I have said no to the offer of friendship? When I said okay (lack of good judgement at the time) he just lit up. I was so stupid. He was lonely and didn't have friends to hang out with. I kept him company all this time and I didn't heal properly. All the time we hung out we never discussed if we were seeing anyone else even though it we both suspected we were dating other people. We both left things ambiguous between us until recently. He found someone new and that's when he dropped the bomb on me. As we were hanging out for 7-8 months he had never mentioned dating anyone and never reassured me that our relationsip was just friendship until three weeks ago since he starting dating this girl he had liked for the longest time but couldn't as out because they were co-workers at the time. He tells me that because I am a friend he wanted to share his happiness new with me. I was so shocked that I couldn't sleep for more than a day. My feelings for him had grown since we've been hanging out and I never let him know it but I am sure he saw right through me. I am trying my best to move on. I hung out with him two weeks ago and it was okay but felt the pain afterwards. We didn't even talk about her. I supposed he sensed my jealousy and pain. We just have to learn to let go and move on. Easier said than done, I know but we have to for our own sanity. Good luck.