Not getting any easier
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Not getting any easier
| Mon, 03-13-2006 - 2:13pm |
Thanks to those of you who have written. It is so good to know there are others out there going through the same thing. It has been just over one week since my b-friend of 3 years broke up with me. He ended it saying he wasn't happy and that I wasn't a priority. I go back and forth - extremely depressed and crying and then so angry that he dumped me and headed out for a crazy guy’s weekend. He called once over the weekend, but when I tried to call he, of course, did not answer and has not called back. I am not going to call again! But it is so frustrating. Everything is on his terms. I still feel that he made a mistake; part of me wants him to call me and say that he did make a mistake, but I am trying to see the futility in hoping for that. If you feel someone was perfect for you (only if they tried a little harder) and they were different from anyone you had dated before - we had a special connection from the beginning - I knew he was different! Can you get over that and not regret losing him? Does the feelings completely fade?

Yes, definitely do not call him back. He knows how to find you and he will if he wants to badly enough. But the truth of the matter is, he ended things. He told you you aren't a priority. You can make all the excuses you want for him but he's given you all the information you need.
Is this a phase he's going through? It's hard to know for sure. What I do know is that if you act with dignity and grace, you're going to be better off all the way around. Don't cling or beg or try to get him back. Just give the appearance to the world of being a strong woman who is going on with her life. If he's going to come back to you, he will, but you have to really search deep inside your heart and make sure you would want him back. The more time passes, the less you will.
You said he was perfect for you "only if he tried a little harder." Tried what? Tried to love you more? Tried to be happier? When you fall in love with someone, it's easy to believe they are perfect for you, that this is some magical thing that's never happened to you (or anyone) before and never will again. That's the love drugs talking! Yes, in time you will get over it and him. And you'll meet someone else and realize what you felt for him wasn't all that great after all (and then it'll be the love drugs talking too). I believed someone was perfect for me too, that we shared a connection that I'd never had with anyone, but once the love drugs wore off I saw how nuts I'd been. It's incredible what you can convince yourself of when you've got those rose-colored glasses on.
And you should never regret losing him. He made the choice to leave the relationship, not you. He's the one who let a good one get away. Go forward knowing you gave this relationship everything you had and that you learned something that you can take into all your relationships from this point forward.
Steph
I just finished reading that book and it is a really great one. It gives you good advice and tips on how to be the "Super Fox" that you are. I wish I would have read it at the beginning of my break up..maybe I would have an ounce of digity left.
Keep your head up and take it day by day, one step at a time. Believe it or not, the tears will stop and it will get easier. I can sit here and tell you all the things that have worked for me in dealing with my tremdously hurtful breakup....therapy, keeping busy, getting involved in all the things that I have wanted to do but never had time, surrounding myself with supportive, understanding people...and I can tell you that it is alright and things are going to get better and there is someone out there more perfect for you...But you have to believe it and you have to let go of the anger & regret.
And I will be the first one to tell you that even though it is extemely hard..No Contact is the best thing. I went 3 weeks without talking to my ex and then one day he emails me and we have a conversation and it messed up my progress and it put me back a couple steps.
I have the quote taped all over my stuff...I got it off of a breaking up website. I think it is a good one. "Life is to short & any minute spent in the darkness of pain is a waste of a minute you could spend in self-discovery, growth & love." Take your breakup as an opportunity to grow as a person. Come out of this a stronger, more beautiful person!
Lisa
Heavens no (although people on here do keep asking me that!). I'm the idiot who spent a year chasing around after a guy who had a girlfriend he was supposedly about to dump. I think the difference is that I'm just further along in the healing process and through this mess with this jerk, I've learned a lot about myself. Right now I'm probably in the healthiest place I've ever been because I realize I don't need a man to complete me. I clung to this guy with a girlfriend because I felt like I had to have SOMEONE I was romantically interested in, fantasizing about, whatever, and now I've realized there really is no point in my life where I didn't have someone that I was either dating or interested in. That's been from the time I was 12 until now (I'm 35). A couple of months ago I was actually in hysterics because this jerk hadn't called or e-mailed for a week, thinking he was all I had and if he left my life I'd have no one. But the interesting thing is, once you get to the point where you have no one, it's not really so bad. It's almost liberating not to be waiting by the phone or anguishing over whether someone is thinking about you or wondering what is going to happen next. The slate has been wiped clean. I finally understand what they mean when they say you have to really spend time alone and grow to love yourself before you can have a healthy relationship. I'm still working on that, but at least I'm on my way!
Steph
Wow Steph, that was great to hear you say. I think all of us on here would like to be in your position right now. I know it takes time, but I totally understand your references (waiting by the phone, wondering why you haven't heard from them in weeks, etc.).
I think it is a tough transition, in my case anyway, to go from *something* every day even if it's not the total package overall, to having nothing. You have to learn (or I should say I do) how to fill your days with things that make you happy, excited, whatever to replace what you had with your ex.
What did you do from the time you got out of your situation until now when you can honestly say you are feeling pretty good about things?
Well, I never had an "every day" with this guy. I was just going through my old e-mails, deleting them, and feeling sad at all the e-mails I had from him. There was a period of time when I'd rush to my computer every morning, unable to wait to see if I had an e-mail from him. Now that time is gone, but so is the feeling of constant sadness because he belonged to someone else. I think that's the important thing. For every good thing you think about them, add a bad thing to it. For instance, if I think, "Oh man, he was such a good kisser," then I add, "But the whole time he was kissing me he was promised to someone else." If I think, "He always dressed so well," I add, "But he dressed that way because he got a discount at the department store he worked at as security for a horrid salary that wouldn't even pay rent!" Anyway, you get the picture. And there WILL be someone else someday, probably soon. Someone who kisses even better, who has his own style that I grow to love, probably even more than I loved the security guy's.
Reading self-help books helped me a lot, just knowing others in the world are going through something the same (or worse) than what I have. But I'm telling you, I've logged countless hours grieving this guy starting back last summer, so my recovery was gradual and by the time he was out of my life, one big burst of agony and I was ready to move on! I think that's the key, though. You have to try to get yourself to that place where you're moving on. Allow yourself time to grieve, but really try to live in the future, when you're going to be all better and over him. And try not to be resentful. (As they say, "Resentment is setting yourself on fire in the hopes that the smoke will bother him!") Living well truly is the best revenge...
Steph
I so get where you are coming from. I feel so powerless, and I miss my boyfriend so much I feel like I can't breathe. I am wondering the exact same thing you mentioned at the end of your post-I hope we both can get an answer eventually.
Many hugs,
Karen