Not going with your gut intuition

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Not going with your gut intuition
3
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 12:52pm
Hi, I started dating someone in August and by Sept. I knew I should have parted ways. He was in transition or mid life crisis and moving back east from Colorado and kept saying he didn't know what he wanted. At one point in Sept. after just a month, I told him we should probably separate and then when he knew what he wanted and where he'd be to call me and if I was still single, I would talk to him and we could see if things could work out.
That would have been the smart thing to do. But no, I let my emotions overwhelm me and I said let me go for it and we broke up twice because of other reasons (he has communication problems in my opinion) and yet I wanted him back, maybe out of loneliness, but I saw him yesterday and it was a killer. He just totally moved on and is moving back east.
What pisses me off is that I didn't have the strength in Sept. to do the right thing for myself. To PROTECT myself. And I KNEW it going into it. Does anyone else do this and how do they stop? thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 7:39pm

I know how you feel, I did pretty much the same thing. In fact, my boyfriend and I just broke up last night after 15 months...

For me, it wasn't that my ex was a bad guy or treated me bad or anything like that, it's that we just weren't compatible. We had a great time, at first, and I really loved him. He loved me too. The problem is that I ignored my intuition about him when we first met. We met online, and on his profile he said he was Catholic; I'm atheist. I knew that would be an issue if we really lasted, but I ignored my gut. Then, about 6 months into our relationship I decided to buy a condo. It was my first home (I'm 24 and he's 27) and I was really excited about it. But, my ex isn't exactly the model of ambition (he hasn't even bought a car yet at 27 and he doesn't live in an urban area where you can get by with public transportation) and he didn't come to help me move in. It wasn't so much that I wanted him there to move my stuff, but because it was a special day for me and it was my first time living alone, far away from anyone I knew. It was kind of scary and lonely, and I was upset that he didn't make the effort to show up. Then, again, I should have trusted my gut. After that day, we broke up for about a week, but then I let my emotions get the best of me (especially once I learned he had been out with someone else) and we ended up dating for another 9 months. It just stinks...

This breakup has been okay, but still it stinks. We both know we're not right for one another, but we also both really care about each other. Now, I wish I had trusted my gut and not gotten so involved; for both of our sake's. But, what is done is done.

I guess in the future, we've just got to really look for red flags. I know that, personally, I'm not going to get involved with any really religious guys. I don't think there's anything wrong with a strong faith, don't get me wrong, but it just doesn't mesh with my personality and beliefs.

Anyway, I don't have any great advise on how to follow your gut, but I know it can be done. I know that with the next guy I meet, I am going to hold firm to my "standards" because I have them for a reason; that being so I don't get involved with anyone that I am not compatible with. Now, exactly how I'm going to make sure to follow my head instead of my heart, I don't know, but I have a darn strong resolve to do so!

Hopefully someone will be along soon with some good advise for both of us!

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!

Nikki
Avatar for deneeecie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 9:28pm

I think EVERYONE has done that.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 10:00pm

ME TOO! BTDT, too many times. I read about a study once, that said to listen closely when you're first getting to know someone becoz they will TELL you (subtly or overtly) the things you should be warned of. One guy I had a long r'ship with, told me in the beginning that whatever I did, not to cheat on him. Well, you guessed it, he was a cheating kinda guy. One guy told me to never lie to him, but come to find out, he lied easily when it suited him. This last bf, told me on our 2nd date that he worried about what would happen to his grown dd if he died, becoz she's so dependent on him. WHEW, wish I'd RAN the other way, right then, becoz it turned out that they acted more like husband & wife than father & daughter, in too many ways, & where did that leave ME?! Soooo! Ladies, we have to learn to really listen for these clues & be WARY for longer than we want.

I suggest we all take these experiences we've had, & learn from them, dwell on them, remember the pain, remember the regret of having stayed for MORE PAIN.

We need to stop thinking we can change a guy, even tho, often, we really can influence a guy to change for us, becoz he loves us enough to want to do it, BUT BUT BUT! By that time, we've been hurt so much that we might just hate him, but we'll stay anyway becoz we've invested so much time, love, energy, & emotion, & after all, with the change complete we finally have what we've been fighting so hard for. BTDT too. OR how about this? We want them to change so of course we complain about what it is we think needs changing, & in the course of those complaints, we're pushing him away, becoz that's what complaints do, is push ppl away. BTDT too. Either way, it's true what the experts say, if we dont love him pretty much as he is, we should walk away before we're sucked in for these other results that bring more pain than joy, every time.