Not really sure...
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Not really sure...
| Mon, 06-26-2006 - 2:08pm |
Okay, so i'm brand new to iVillage, as of about 30 minutes ago. I was searching on the internet for break up links. I guess i just figure there have to be other people out there going through the same thing as i am right now. So here i am.
My boyfriend and i dated for almost 6 months... (our 6 month anniversary would have been July 1st). We broke up last week on thursday. So i've only been dealing with this for 3 or 4 days. I'm 25 years old, and this sucks. I think that sums up my situation.
I'm not psychotic or stalkerish. I'm just sad. I love him. I miss him. And i don't want to move on. Or i don't know how to. Oh, and being a grown up sucks.

Why exactly did you two break up?
Trust me everyone that posts messages on this board is going through the same thing.
And I'm sorry to tell you that it is going to get worse before it gets better.
You will go through a lot of different emotions. Trust me, they suck.
I was in a 4.5 year relationship. He ended it 9 weeks ago because he didn't want to be in a relationship right now, needed some time to himself, but said he still loved me (and I believe him). We are both young, he's 22, I'm 21.
A lot of people on these boards are going to tell you that No Contact is the way to go, but it is up to you. I went 4 weeks with no contact, until I finally decided I wanted to call him so I did. We are not talking about once a week or so.
Just know that time will heal the wound. Post on these boards, they have been my lifesaver. Keep yourself busy. At first what I did that helped me alot was write in a journal about all I was feeling.
You will go through various stages. Until you finally come to a resolution. I'm not over my ex at all, and I still have some hope that one day we will get back together, but I know that if we never do, I will find someone and I will be happy.
I wish you the best.
~Amber~
Hi Amber, and anyone else who decides to read this really long post...
Well, explaining "why" we broke up isn't exactly that simple. I'm noticing the older i get...nothing is ever simple. But i thought people broke up because they didnt get along or because one person cheats. I didn't think that when two people got along, were crazy about each other, and had chemisty that they ever broke up... but i was wrong...
The night started off normal... he got here and he said nothing about anything... he was affectionate, but something was off. i actually thought it was me, but it more seemed like he was just going through the motions. we ate and decided to go get a movie. he asked me what was wrong and said something seemed off. i kept saying nothing was wrong. i don't know who is more transparent, me or him. So we got to his place. We turned on the movie... i started crying, but quietly. he said, "what's wrong?" i told him i'm just overwhlemd this week with school and life. he asked about him... i told him that i worry too much, and that i feel like things are off with us.
We got to talking, and he said that his "doubts" are back. I don't know how to describe these "doubts"... but he's had them since like the second month. He has never been able to describe it, but he said it's like a gut feeling that we're not supposed to be together. Or that something isn't right, or something... He doesn't know what it is. He wonders if it's God. He wonders if it's fear. He wonders a lot of things. He's been "fighting" these "doubts" for months. It's come up in conversation on more then one occassion. He never understood why i didn't have them. I told him that i don't know whether or not we're supposed to be together. That's why i'm dating, but i don't see any red flags or deal-breakers (that was at like the 2 month mark). It's always seemed like he thought we should "know" immediately.
Anyway, we've talked about the "doubts" multiple times. It's what keeps him reserved with me. It's why he doesn't give his whole self to me. It's like he's afraid or something. I dunno. I guess if i had a feeling like something wasn't right, i'd hold back too.
So, we almost broke up like 2 weeks ago. And he woke up the next day (at my house) and said that alllll his doubts were gone. (That wasnt the first time his doubts had gone away). But he woke up and was so sure. He'd never been so sure. He couldn't lose me. No doubts. etc etc And they were truly gone. 1. i believe him 2. the way he was that day ... he was a different person. he looked at me different. it was incredible.
So, they came back sometime between then and now. He can't pinpoint when... but it was some time last week. I'd say around wednesday, maybe thursday. I know him very well. Any time we have problems, issues, or anything that's not perfect, he seems to feel his doubts. (i personally think it's fear... but i don't really know... maybe i just want to think it's fear).
Well, then we got into a conversation about a friend of mine, and her email to me. And i was telling him that she said that it's okay that we don't "know" if we're supposed to be together forever after 6 months. Most people don't. Well, come to find out, almost all of his friends got engaged within 6 months. 5 of his 6 closest friends. And they all are christians and they all "just knew" is what they told him. So i'm sure that has to weigh in his mind. Since the beginning he's said, "I just want to know for sure" He also one time said that he always thought that when he first saw his wife, he'd "just know". Evidently, that's what happened with his car (yes, he compared love and marriage it to car shopping... deep sigh...)
So, he said a lot of things like he doesn't want to be the reason i hurt. He doesn't want to be without me. But that he doesn't know how much longer he can live like this. I told him i agree. His doubts effect the way he acts and i can tell. He says he just needs to figure some stuff out.
So we started out talking about taking a break. We both thought it was a good idea. He's a very logistical person. He wanted to work out, how many weeks, where would we meet, what if we didn't know yet, etc etc. We never got through any of the details. We both tend to go off on tangents.
So i said, "do you want us to approach this as a break or a break-up?" he said, "a break". well, i know jeremy too well, and i said, "honey, if you want to break up, but you're trying not to hurt my feelings or upset me, now is not the time to try to be selfless." He said, "well, i just don't like the idea of time limits. I want to see what it's like to live my life without you. I want to realize that i can't live without you, then God will bring us back together in his own time." <=== he's been watching way too many chick flicks. I brought up Serendipity.
Through talking, we came to realize that we needed to call it a break up, because otherwise jeremy would be "holding on" and he wants to be free to "see what life is like without me" and "see if he can live withought me" he also said, "if i realize i can't live without you, then i'll know FOR sure we're meant to be and that i want to spend forever with you" <=== see, there he goes with the "for sure" stuff again.
So, he asked if he could text message me. I told him no. For one thing, i dont' want to confuse things for either of us. Second, i need to focus on the bar and any text message from him is going to distract me and/or upset me. Third, i'm going to think any text message is him wanting to get back together. I told him that i'll analyze any message. Even if it's "hi mikki!!!" I'll say, "look, he used three exclaimation points. he misses me" (I know, i am such a girl.)
So, he said, what about down the road? He meant like being friends or whatever. I told him it will be a long time before i'm ready to be friends and he would need to wait months to call to say "hey". He said, "3 months?" i said, :"no" he said, "4 months?" i said, "4 at a minimum, preferably longer" NOTE: what a strange conversation.
So he said, "you don't want me to contact you unless it's because i want to get back together." YES, that's exactly it. I can't be your friend right now. Any "hello" or "hi" is going to distract me and make me wonder, "does he wanna get back?" So, that's how we left that part. He will only contact me if it is for that ONE reason. Not for any other reason. And evidently, he's trying to realize that he "can't live without me" and that we're "meant to be"... (gee, he doesn't ask much)
he kept apologizing. i told him i'm not upset with him. i understand this is something he needs to do. he has to work through this stuff on his own. i can't help him figure it out.
So, we were at his house to watch the movie. I drove us there, so we broke up there, and then had the drive back to my place. When we got here, we stood in the driveway. He was crying a lot. I was still pretty okay. Then we hugged good-bye. I cried. He told me that he's gonna miss me. He told me that he hopes God brings us back together. He told me he'll be praying for me. We un-hugged. And he asked about the details, "we didn't put a time limit right?" "and the only reason i can call you is to see if youll take me back" he kept saying it that way, "so if i realize ... then i'll see if you'll take me back" And then he asked again about calling in 4 months to see how i was.
Oh, and in the car on the way here, he said, "i hate calling it a break up. people who break up hate each other. they don't leave open the possibility that they'll get back together. this is more like a break because there's still a 50/50 chance that i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with you." <=== do you think the poor boy is a bit confused? awww, how romantic. ;o)
I guess that's it. I copied and pasted most of this post from an email i sent to my friend the night we broke up... so if it sounds a little strange, that's why. I tried to delete what didn't make sense.
I know i need to move on right now. Holding on won't be good for either one of us. Just because i get on with my life doesn't mean i don't love him. And it's not like if i move on, i can't entertain the idea later. And who knows if he's actually going to call???
I got through the post :)