Not sure how to be alone
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|Mon, 01-28-2013 - 1:40pm|
Brief history: I’ve been separated 2 years, divorced 1 year from my husband of 9 years. We have 2 kids together, 3 and 7. I left my ex-husband because he had countless emotional affairs, and at the time didn’t think what he was doing was wrong (because it wasn’t physical...according to him). While I was separated from my ex-husband, I met my boyfriend. I was in no way looking for a relationship, nor wanted one, but it happened. At the time we seemed perfect for each other in so many ways and I couldn’t deny our connection, so I just went with it.
Fast forward 18 months later…I bought a new house to start a new stable life my kids, and he lives with us.
Problem: He loves me more than I love him, and I think I want out of the relationship. In hind sight I fell for him probably because I was scared to be alone as much as I thought I loved him. I think now I want to be alone. ….for a while anyway. I have things from my past I need to address and heal before I can move forward. I need to figure myself out. I’m only 34 and I still have no idea who I am. I feel terrible because I know this is going to devastate my BF. He’s convinced we are soul mates, and I am the love of his life. I just don’t feel it. I keep waiting for the feelings to come, but they are not happening. I’m afraid of what this is going to do to my children also. Here I am again taking them away from another man. They still see their father of course…we have joint custody and all is as amicable as it can be. But now my BF has been a big part of their already scared lives and if we separate, there is no reason for him to be around. Do I give it more time? How do I hurt a man I deeply care about? How do I explain this to my kids? I've never been alone, I'm terrified!