Not sure I did the right thing....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Not sure I did the right thing....
10
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 4:29pm

I recently broke up with Zakk because I couldn't stand the way he fought with me. It's hard to articulate all without writing a book but - I'll try to give the highlights of why I did what I did. It stings like hell and he keeps telling me that I made the wrong decision. He's apologized every time we fight -- but the things he says when he fights are just mindblowing. He is 35 and I am 37.

The last fight was when I was wasn't feeling well and was tired from spending the day at his parents for Christmas. Prior he was angry at me for something dumb - but apologized so I wouldn't cancel going to his parents. Anyway, he wanted to "fool around" before going to sleep. I was staying up to be by myself and unwind. He asked me to "put him to bed" and then I could unwind. I didn't want to. I felt dirty and like I was being used. I just wanted to chill out by myself. I said, "please don't be upset, but I really don't feel like being intimate with you right now. It has nothing to do with you -- it's just that I don't feel well and I'm exhausted.". He was pissed -- told me that I was disgusting and the most despicable person on the planet. He told me that I was a selfish b*tch, etc. He said no man would put up with that. I'm not the type of person to fight back viciously -- I told him that I had enough and really wanted him to leave. He refused and went to bed in my room. I slept on the couch. The next morning he gets up and apologizes -- and then asks me to apologize to him for "rejecting" him. I gently tell him that I can't. I told him that it's my right not to be physical if I don't want to -- and I tell him that it's not a reflection on him. He shook his head, called me selfish and left. He called to tell me that were NOT breaking up. I had to tell him that I had enough -- I couldn't stand how vicious his verbal attacks were. He called me uptight and having a problem with sexuality. Then he promises not to attack me verbally like that again. I told him that it kills me when he does that and it makes me NOT want to be with him physically. He said, "well, I don't want to be with you either when you reject me.". argghghhghgh

It is day 2. I miss him. He left me a message telling me that i was being stubborn. Am I? Am I just too uptight? I"m staying strong thus far and not calling back.

Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 5:11pm

He's emotionally manipulating you to get his way and to make you feel bad.

::He called me uptight and having a problem with sexuality.

He's upset because you weren't in the mood and now he's blaming you. Just because you weren't in the mood doesn't mean you have a problem with sexuality and it doesn't mean you are selfish or uptight.

Stay strong, you did the right thing.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 5:34pm

I consider myself a smart woman - but this really has me confused. When he gets angry - he gets *very* angry. Never physical, but still hurts very much. But then he always apologizes. He said I was "unforgiving", i don't think that's true. I just feel like sometimes I walk on eggshells and that I might say the wrong thing.

It's not the first time he guilted me into "pleasuring" him. I felt awful about it after I did it. I swore to myself that I wouldn't do it ever again if I didn't feel like it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 5:52pm

This isn't about you being unforgiving. This is about him turning the situation around and blaming you instead of him addressing his anger issues and his abusive ways. He needs anger management. He needs professional help. However, you can't tell him because he will blow up at you, turn it around on you, and be extremely angry.

It's not that you aren't smart either. It's that he's planted a doubt within yourself. And that doubt has been growing so now you question whether or not it's you. You think well, "he might be right. It could be me." That's exactly what he wants you to think, then it makes guilting you and manipulating you a lot easier to do.

The sex thing is all about HIS needs. He sounds self-focused, self-absorbed and selfish.

Have I got a couple of books for you:

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People by George K. Simon

The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life -- Albert Ellis

Look-up this book and see if it applies to your situation:

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

Or this one:
Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, by Susan Forward,

Once you recognize that you are being manipulated, you can stop falling for it and remove yourself from the situation.




Edited 12/28/2006 5:54 pm ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 7:24pm
He sounds like an emotional user. Don't fall into his trap. You have every right not to be intimate if you don't want to. My ex of 3 days did the same name calling and each time we argued it would get worse. First I was selfish, then a b----, then even worse. I hope that you can stay strong and not let it escalate. Life is too short to walk on eggshells all the time. And why should you apologize when you did nothing wrong? You shouldn't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 11:30pm
nooooo, you weren't being stubborn at all. I Have the same problem currently, my guy gets upset if I don't want to have sex or help "satisfy" his needs, its hard to be ready whenever he is, but when I want to do stuff, he's playing video games. It really does make me feel like I'm only there as his living blow up doll. And if your guy cared about you he would never call you a bitch. It's incredibly disrespectful and demeaning. You made the right choice. You deserve someone way better. If he cared, he would let you relax and handle his own business. A man your dating should never make you obligated to have sex. Sex is an expression of your feelings for eachother, not a nightly chore that you have to complete to keep him happy. And guys can apologize with out meaning it. You know when your a kid and your parents make you say sorry, so you do to make them happy, but you don't mean it. Thats what he's doing to you, he's saying it, but he probably doesn't mean it. You weren't being stubborn, your not a bitch, and you should never call him back or contact him. Good luck sweetheart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 1:14am

To be honest, im mad just from reading the things he's said to you! i can imagine how you felt. You did the right thing! One of these days you will meet someone who will defend you! You don't need someone that you need to be defended from! He's trying to control you and i can only imagine how he speaks of you to others if he talks to you like that! It just goes down hill from there! I'm no relationship expert but dignity is a big issue here! People treat you the way you let them to treat you! If you take him back, you may as well say "I love it when you treat me like dirt, will you do it again please?"

Be proud of yourself!!! Im proud of you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:56am

thanks so much (everyone) for the wonderful advice. I keep reading and rereading it when I feel weak or when I want to pick up the phone.

It's really odd -- to his friends and family he treats me like gold. Both his friends and his family tell me that all his does is brag about how successful, pretty, etc. I am. So that confuses me. I mean, to the world he brags about me and doesn't say a bad word. But, in private -- when he gets mad -- he goes off. It's like night and day. When do I know if I'm just being overly sensitive?

I need to go back and reread replies! And check out the books that were recommended to me. It's just such a lonely time of year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 3:15pm

Yes, keep re-reading.

My son's father is a lot like the guy you are describing....especially the part about bragging to others about how wonderful you are. That's because YOU MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD. If you are smart, pretty, successful, etc. then he's connected to and linked with a WINNER.

My ex would brag about our son's grades, the things he did in school, etc. But to his face he never said anything nice. Instead he was always putting him down, criticizing him, getting mad at him, yelling at him, blaming him, thankfully my son isn't subjected to that behavior anymore. I got him the book, In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People by George K. Simon, it helped.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 3:31pm
I think you did the right thing.And I'm not sure if you have actually talked to him or not but hold your grounds-don't answer the phone. With men, we have to say what we say and mean it. You should always let your yes mean yes and no mean no. If you go back on your word just a little, he will always think that he has just a little power to change how you feel or what you choose to stand for. I know that you miss him, I understand that deeply. But what you must is the comfort-the comfort of having someone around. No person deserves to be abused in any way-and in your case it is verbal. Stand strong. You will be in my prayers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 6:19pm
My ex also would say nice things about me to his family. They would tell me he said he's lucky to be with me and that I am beautiful. And he would say this to me, also. I believe it, but I also know the ugly things he said. I don't believe those things for a minute, but if I stayed with him, I might start to. And his actions speak so much louder than words. Yes, he was bragging on you because he probably didn't deserve you.