Not sure if I should let him go, denial

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Not sure if I should let him go, denial
4
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 3:56pm

I have been posting on Problem Solving for Couples board but now I think that this is more appropriate here. My story is rather long and confusing so I'm going to try and sum it up as best I can.

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 1 1/2 years. Shortly after we started dating he told me that he wanted me to know that he wasn't sure if he wanted children someday. He said that he hadn't decided either way, yes or no. I made the decision to keep dating him because he hadn't made up his mind and I wasn't really sure where the relationship was going to go as it had only been a few weeks and I really, really liked him.

Well, fast forward to today.... He still hasn't made up his mind and we broke up two weeks ago because of this reason. I am 90% sure I want children in the future and this has been a reaccuring discussion between us for the majority of our relationship. Mostly because I want to figure this out before I even think about marrying him, which is a good possiblity if we come to agreement. It started out with small discussions every so often and has recently become to very emotional discussions at least once a month sometimes more frequently. Nothing ever gets solved and I usually end up doing most of the talking, he isn't very good with expressing his thoughts and emotions on the issue. When I do get stuff out of him, he tends to be very negative twords the idea of having children yet he always does the "but maybe..." stuff. There are a lot of uncertainties in his life right now (ie. job, where to live, realationship, etc) and he is having a hard time making decisions in other areas of his life also. I know that all of this other stress is making it hard for him to decide on things. I don't want to pressure him and I try hard not to but this topic comes up more and more often. He broke up with me because he said he feels like he is wasting my time since he can't figure stuff out. I asked him not to break up but to go to a couples counselor with me but he wouldn't do it. He said that he didn't think it would help. He told me he loved me a lot and didn't want to break up but felt like this was the only thing he could do.

Then, last week he came over to my house to talk and told me that he has decided he is going to go to a counselor by himself. He didn't want to get back toghether though because he felt like it was too soon. He wants to sort some of this stuff out before he thinks about that. He has a lot of issues from his past, like depression, a rough childhood and past family problems that he feels are the cause of why he can't make decisions. He still told me he wanted to be with me yet he said he can't do it right now because he feels like it would be too much pressure and he is already pressuring himself enough. Its hard for me to understand even though it does make sense that he wants to work some of this out on his own first then we might go to couples counseling toghether.

I love this man so much and he is everything I would ask for in someone to marry and be with. I know that if we could work though this issue that we would be married. Even though he wants to stay broken up for now he still wanted to call me and see me. I told him that if he didn't want to get backtogther we need to act like we are broken up and not hang out or talk very often. I told him I wouldn't be contacting him and that it was up to him to make contact when he was ready. So far he has emailed me and called me a few times since then. Its like he wants all the things of the relationship but without actually calling it that. I'm not really sure what to do. I want to believe that him going to a counselor will help but I don't want to be in denial either if it doesn't work out. Its really hard to let him go when I think there still is a good chance of us working it out. I know that there is a ton of information that I'm leaving out here mostly to save space. I guess I just mostly needed to vent. I want to be with him so badly but I also know that if he decides for sure he doesn't want kids, I can't be with him as I would regret never having them. I feel like if we go to a counsleor and it still results in us being broken up, at least I know that we tried our hardest to make it work. Am I being foolish for giving this some more time and waiting to see what going to counseling does? Or am I in denial. I'm feeling really sad, lonely and scared right now. I want this to work out so bad. He means everything to me and I know that he feels the same about me. We just can't seem to agree on this important life changing event.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 6:13pm

Welcome to this little spot, hope we can help you figure some things out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 6:44pm

It seem to me that this guy loves you. but to scared to have commitment. well about having kids...yes your right having kids of your own is very important. I'm assuming his just saying that (he doesnt want kids). most of guys trust me say that word but wait until they have one and tell me who's talking.

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 9:16pm

hey girl,

thanks for the post. our situations do seem eerily similiar, yet of course different. mine knows he wants kids some day... but doesn't know if i'm the one. deep sigh...

i understand you're frustration... as i feel the same way. Why can't he just make up his mind? Why does he have to leave me in limbo with the hope? Is it false hope? Am i being a dumb girl? To answer that question for you, totally honestly, i don't think you sound like a dumb girl... I think your ex really is confused... BUT, i also think it may take him quite a while to figure some of his issues out.

I have decided to move on. This doesn't mean i'm going to date other people... and this doesn't mean i don't love him, or want him back. But, i'm afraid if i don't move on, and he does come back, i may resent him for the time i spent waiting. And i think it's very empowering to say, "i'm gonna move on and not wait"... and then if and when he does come back, YOU will get to make the decision. I personally think you should let go... And just for the record, i think you made an awesome decision telling him that you need to act like you're broken up. He can't string you along and/or play games with your heart. Even if that's not his intention... i'm sure he's an awesome guy. You wouldn't have been with him for a year and a half if he wasn't. I cut off all contact. I knew that it would be too hard for me.

By the way, hearing you say that the conversation was a recurring conversation... oh, i can relate to that. That's how it was with jeremy and his so called "doubts"... i didn't mean to keep having the conversation, but how far do you want to go with someone if you don't think there's a future? And kids are huge. I totally want kids someday too, and i don't know what i would do if i found the perfect guy but he didn't want kids. What a tough situation!!!

Anyway, we'll keep in touch. I'm not sure if you're religious or not, but i'll be praying for you.

- mikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 10:12pm

Sandra,

I hear what you are saying and believe me I have thought about this a lot. Before I started this relationship I never questioned my desire for children. Now I find myself questioning this a lot. When it comes right down to it, I think that I would be terribly unhappy if I never had children. I said 90% because since this has happend I have doubts that I'm making a good choice even though I feel in my heart that if I stay with my bf and don't have kids that I would regret it and resent him. Its just hard to say you are making a good choice when you care so much about that other person but feel like you may not be true to yourself. Maybe that doesn't make since, I don't know.

I know there is a big what if about having kids. I know that for whatever reason I may not be able to have them but then I feel like then I would want to adopt. Family is something that is extremely important to me and I just can't imagine not having that. I know kids move away and stuff once they get older but I look at my relationship with my parents and thats something I strongly desire to have someday with my own adult children.

This whole thing is really hard because I love him so deeply but I worry that if I make the choice to not have kids it would be a very unhappy marriage and I don't think thats fair to either him or me. Of course I worry about all the what if's because your right there is no guarantee. One of my biggest fears is that I let him go and then I never find someone again that I feel that way about.

One wierd thing though, I seem to be handling this breakup way better than any other one I've gone through. It kinda freaks me out because this should be the one that matters and should be the one I spend hours crying about, yet I find myself being ok most days and not obsesively thinking about him even though I do think about him a lot. Maybe its because I've gone through 3 major breakups, or maybe its because I feel like there is still hope and I know that he loves me unlike the other breakups. In a way I've been preparing for this breakup for a while now so that could be why aloso. But I sorta feel like something is wrong with me for not being more upset. I think thats why I think I'm in some sort of denial.

At any rate, I think I want to give him the space he needs to figure things out and see a counselor on his own. Hopefully he and I will resolve this and be together again someday soon. But, for now I'm trying to focus on me and try to reconnect with friends and family as hard as that feels right now since I feel like I should be sitting around waiting for him but I know thats not what I should do. Time will tell I guess. What I'm not sure about, is if I should keep in contact with him. I want to talk to him but I aslo don't want to be confused all the time either. I told him that he needs to contact me but it seems that he might be doing it quite frequently. Then it doesn't really seem like a break up and if thats what he wants then he should act like it. Ughh... life is so hard.