Not sure what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Not sure what to do
3
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 2:13pm
me and my boyfriend had a NASTY brake up 3 weeks ago and I am not too sure what to do. We were together for 5 great months and I moved in with him and his mom. we were planning to get married and his mom and I had a great relationship. But we fought ALOT and he has a little bit of a anger problem. So we had a blow-out one morining and I moved out and broke up with him. But theres one problem....I am pregnant. And we were trying to have kids, so it wasnt a accident. I have tried talking to him and at first he wanted to work things out. I moved back in with my parents after i moved out and they were forbidding me to see him so i moved in with my ex's best friend so that we could see each other (he was the one suggesting I do so). We slept together a couple weeks ago, but then after he said he doesnt knoe what he wants to do. Was I a booty call? he said I wasnt, which i believe because we were so angry when he came over. Then he came over a couple days later and said he was fooling around with his ex. and I blew up and said some things I didnt mean. He said a lot of hurtful things and I got angry and slapped him across the face. I wrote him a letter explaining that he wasnt going to be a part-time father and that I am going to move on. Pretty much bringing closure to the realtionship. I dropped it off and he came over the next night and tried talking to me. I didnt expect him to do anything about it. It didnt do so well. I recently had a scare with the pregnancy. I am 5 weeks now and I started bleeding. I panicked and called him to come over and he said he doesnt care and that I am not his responsiblity anymore. He said he doesnt knoe if he ever loved me and he doesnt want to think about it. Why is he being hot and cold with me? its like i dont even know him anymore. Hes acting so wierd. And I havent talked to him in a week. what should I do? I am doing better, i think about him time to time, but I love him so much and I am so scared. HELP!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:17pm

You want the truth? Please don't get offended, you're in a very serious situation that can not be sugar coated.

Okay, here's what you do. You wake up and realize you've just voluntarily entered into a life altering obligation of responsibility and sacrifice with someone you barely know, forever changing your life, his life, and unfortunately now the life of your unborn baby. Now comes the "fun" of being an adult and growing up. Now is the time when you face the fact that it's not about you and the BF/XBF problem anymore it's about the best interest of your baby. What do you suppose that is? A never married mother, abandonment by the father, no stability, inevitable daycare, financial struggle, and denied a loving two parent family that it deserves? Is that what you wish for your child? Because that's the reality of the situation as it stands. Your baby is going to be the one to suffer the most for your careless immature actions.

Not sure what to do? Take your very large mistake of wrong choices, do the right thing for everybody involved, and give your baby up for adoption to a loving two parent family that it deserves. One that can give it everything you alone just can't; a mom and a dad who love and want it more than life itself.




Edited 2/2/2005 4:18 pm ET ET by angelicafox
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 6:32pm

Okay, well here is where you are, after reading your other post to Angelica Fox.

Bsically, you're going to be a single parent. Are you prepared for that?

Because he's told you outright that he's seeing other girls, you're not his responsility anymore and he's not going to parent.

So, do you want to be a single parent? Because that is what you're looking at.

It doesn't sound as if you're self-sufficient financially, as in you're living independent of assistance and in a lifestyle that is upwardly mobile.

Which means that very likely, assuming that you've finished your high school education and whatever college that you've got, that is all taht you're likely to get as far as education. It's time to go out and get a fulltime job with benefits, so that even if you cannot get pre-natal and birth coverage, you have medical coverage for the child from the time of it's birth.

You need to find a way, if possible to live with your parents...while being apart from them in another area of the home that is complete (a separate apartment type duplex or osmething) so that you can parent your child...and so taht your child doesn't become your parent responsibility and in some ways your "brother or sister" - rather than son or daughter.

Obviously, your parents if it is possible, are likely to be your child care providers, and assist you financially with the myriad of expenses associated with child rearing. Don't count on your boyfriend to support you - although pursuing a court order for suppport and visitation is a good idea for your future legal matters that will require resolution.

Naturally, what legality doesnt address overmuch is reality....and obviously this is his child, if he's willing to claim responsiblity (and in most states you naming him as the father on the birth certificate would require him to prove he is NOT the father rather than the reverse) that would serve to allow you to get visitation/suppport orders. Naturally, if he is a good parent, even if he's with someone else or just out on his own, you'll want to let him interact, parent, and love the child - per his abilities, his contact with you limited to respectful interaction regarding issues surrounding the child. And you'll want his parents ot interact with the child, if htey accept the child in their familial unit, as well.

So, at your age.....since you don't state it....are you ready to be a parent. To work a full time job, and come home and work another full time job. Do you have the parntal and familial assistance with daycare, housing, and financial assistance to enable you to do this and have any "lifestyle" at all....or would you having this baby relegate you to living at home, by th rules and regulations of your paents, with your minimal income ging towards the child, while basically your parents raise the child, and you spend every minute that you can working to earn what you can to fund parenting this child to the best of youor ability?

Are you ready to maturely handle your peers going out on dates, to movies, and hanging out with friends....while you find yourself disassociated with because you have resonsibilities they don't have, and requirements they can't relate to...and so by default of being a parent...you'renow in a world of 30 or 40 year olds, not as an equal becuase you lack education, financial indepedent, ad life experience...at as an adjunct, where from them you receive guidance and supervision and assistance.....and you parent the child.

Is that, in your view, in the best interstss of the child. Being a child of adoption, naturally I'm all for it.

My mother was 16 when she had me....and with no father living at home, with an unfinished high school education, with my father being in the military and not really her boyfriend so much as he was in her vicinity and dating her and I was conceived as a result of passionate lust......my mother gave me up - so that I could have a two parent home, with financial security, and options, and college education, and opportunities that she as a single parent, living at home with her mother and sisters, compromising her future potential could not give me. She did love me enough to give me up..but I can appreciate people not seeing it from that viewpoint.

I know taht I became a parent at 19.....totally unprepared to parent, life inexperienced, under-educated...but thinking I was "in love" with an immature, insecure, violent, adn dangerous man....I married him and bore his child......and taht responsibility was with me and I was totally unprepared and unable to live up to it - to the child's destruction.

So, being a parent requires that you have your child's long-term best interestss in mind at all times...not just what you want, or ding what you think is best to get a particular result or consequence in a specific situation.

Is it in your child's long term best interest to be parented by you - as a single parent, living with your parents or other family members? Are you going to be able to provide this child with the opportunities, options, and education that you haven't probably had or received yourself...but that certainly would have eliminated this as your reality, or at least enabled you to parent with a more complete sense of self and less insecurity and worries regarding pragmatic and practical matters.

The joy of parenting must be found in the responsibility and sacrifice of parenting. Parenting is not an immediately gratifying endeavor. As a result of that fact, children shouldn't be treated as pawns and utilized to get what you want "right now" out of someone else.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 9:55pm
excuse my language but F%&K HIM!!!
you deserve better hunnie, i know it must hurt but try to exclude him from your life and just focus on the two most important people in your life right now and they are YOU & YOUR BABY if you feel you can give your child a stable, safe & happy life you keep him/her no matter what anyone tells you.
i slightly know how you would feel when he told you 'he said he doesnt care and that I am not his responsiblity anymore' when i was with my ex i had a miscarriage and he went out to a club that night with his mates. you feel hurt and wonder do they have a heart when you know what mate they dont. you want someone who'l care if you so much as graze your little toe you know what i mean?
hang in there im sure you will be fine. you've got a little baby to look after thats the most important thing right now xoxoxoxoxoxoxo