Not sure what I want now
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Not sure what I want now
| Sun, 07-29-2007 - 9:41pm |
Well after a week, the ex called me. I didn't pick up until the third time he had called. Now this is after he broke up with me after being with me for four and half years he broke up by saying he agreed with his father on the fact that I brought nothing to table and the he said to never call him again I posted about the whole thing on the board once. Well I picked up and he said to check my email, so i did and theres a long letter from him. He talked about him having his own demons and that he never meant to hurt me that he was so sorry. I never realized how unhappy he had become with himself, one reason being he stopped talking to me about what he was feeling. Another reason I think that he's been so depressed is that he has adult ADHD and I read some where that adults with ADHD can sometimes get depressed. He hasn't been on medicine for along time. That was one things we had fought about before in the past. To get back to my point though we began to talk about what was going on in his head and more importantly that he was sorry for taking me for granted. He realized how I valued him, treated him like an adult and respected his feelings and how much he missed me. However, we also talked about why he sided with his father in the first place he wants his dads respect so much but he is also afraid that if he were to pick me over his parents is that he would never gain the respect or he would lose them. Most of this maybe in part to him being depressed but another reason is his upbringing. The rest of the conversation went well, he agreed to go to the doctor for the ADHD, but also to go and see a therapist.Though all of this took place on Thursday I was hoping that by friday he would have called the doctor he hasn't. He even agreed that once he started maybe even later we could see a couples therapist and this is where the question comes in on what I want now? He came over this Friday and we talked some more about everything. I can say that I still love him, but can I ever trust him again, can we get back to what we had, do I want to even try at this when he felt like it could just be throne away like to was nothing? On one hand it seems like he wants to try but on the other hand I don't see him running to do all the things we had talked about. I feel like he's waiting again to see if will really work out and it feels like he's trying to see if I'm worth the flack he'll get from his parents. I mean he seemed serious about us, he wants us back, he says he tried so hard to not to think about me but all he could do was miss me, but would we just be better off as friends? He kept saying this isn't how he wanted things to go, the whole breaking up, that he should have just taken the two week break so we could really look at things yet he did it anyway he didn't think. Though there really no going back in time, theres no way to get rid of the last 2 weeks. I just don't know what to do, or how I should feel about all this, on one hand I want an us, on the other hand my heart suffered such a blow and I'm finally able to breath again do I want to even try and see it fail?

hmm
Nobody can really decide for you what you want. But let's look at it logically.
Hypothetically if you get back together....it's not so much whether or not you feel you can trust him. If you love him, you will eventually. But much of depends on whether or not he has any idea what he's asking for. Is he willing to put up of months, maybe years, of your distrust rearing it's head? Is he willing to discuss things and change? Has he actually GONE to the doctor and the therapist like he said? Is he all talk and no show? Is he taking the time to understand why you mistrust him?
Second, his father. A relationship is nobody's business but yours and your partner's ultimately. He may solicite advice from his dad, but if he's discussing your problems with everyone but you, that's something that is going to destroy your relationshp in the long run. Imagine yourself married to this guy. Can you bear to have his dad's input in your marriage for the restof your life? The fact that he seeks his dad's approval raises red flags. Why isn't he discussing it with you? I brought up that what ultimiately killed my last relationship was that my ex decided to discuss these our problems with everyone BUT me. If this relationship is to LAST, your ex needs to lay down the line to his parents. He needs to tell them that you are important to him and that ultimately he will stand with you. So if his parents want to enjoy his company, they will have to respect that you are an important part of their son's life and treat you accordingly. If they disrespect you in any way, the price will be their son's absence. You do not 'bring nothing to the table', you are the main course and a good amount of the dessert. He needs to make it clear that you are partners, and his parents will take you two as a packaged deal or not at all.
His two week 'regret' is pointless. He didn't mean to break your heart, but he did it. Now is he going to own up and fix it or does he just mean to waltz back into your arms as if nothing happened?
And in the event you talk all this over and he decides it's all too much to handle, you are NOT going to be friends. He's using you to cushion his loneliness. Or you'll realize yourself that this man isn't the right one for you. And don't let fear of loneliness and change scare you. You've done two weeks, a month is only another two weeks away.
Whatever you decide, good luck.
Hi,
Here's your previous post so others can follow your story:
Breaking up after 4 and Half years
::On one hand it seems like he wants to try but on the other hand I don't see him running to do all the things we had talked about.
SEEMS is the operative word and that doesn't make it happen. Give it some time to see if he follows through.