Not sure what to think
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| Wed, 11-30-2005 - 1:26am |
I posted earlier about having nightmares about my ex and the woman he was cheating on me with. Thank you for all the support and advices! It's been so hard to let go and practice the NC thing since I work with him.....
Last week, I had nightmares about my ex raping me and couldn't sleep for three days. I was a total mess and couldn't think straight. I even called him at 7 am; I don't know why or what I was looking for. I just told him he was hurting me and I was in a lot of pain. And all he said was that he didn't want to talk to me anymore and hung up. I took that day off from work and talked to a counsellor and he told me what my ex did to me in July was rape and I just can't seem to accept that. My bf and I were fooling around naked in bed, and I told him I didn't want to have sex with him yet. He knew I had intimacy issues because I was raped 7 years ago, and was molested as a child. He even acknowledged he heard me and said 'I know'. He said he just wanted to show me something while he was on top of me and he went inside me, and ejaculated inside me. Unlike the rapist, he didn't force himself inside me.. He was gentle. I just remembered laying there, paralyzed and disassociated, waiting for him to finish because he said "you're so beautiful" which was what the rapist said to me. I was so upset afterwards, because I thought I could be pregnant, and for a few weeks, I was scared of him and I didn't want him to touch me. I don't know why I still talked to him after that incident. I just figured that the whole experience brought back memories of my rape from 7 years ago, and that I was just experiencing flashbacks of the rape. But the counsellor said that he did rape me.
Right now, I don't know what to think. I'm not even sure how I feel. What do you all think? Was what he did considered rape? Unlike the rapist from 7 years ago (whom I dated for a few weeks), my ex did apologized numerous times and seemed to feel remorse for hurting me.
Thanks for any input.

Yes it was rape. Good God, the man knew and hear you say you didn't want to and instead of honoring you and stopping, he said "I just want to show you something" Yeah right. He just wanted what he wanted, to get off on you.
You can't accept it because why? Because you trusted him, loved him, wanted him to be different, because he was gentle but disregarded your feelings?
Carrie
I don't really know if it is that I can't accept that it was rape, or if I'm just still in shock that yes, I was raped again. I took a lot of precautions and talked about my fears of intimacy and never led him on. He was very patient with me, and seemed understanding of my feelings and fears. He was willing to wait 5 months for a kiss from me.. He said he was willing to wait for me....So yes, I did trust him because it seemed like he did care about me and understood me and would not hurt me.
And when all this happened, I got really confused. He apologized, he called me every night and listened to me cry, telling him how much it reminded me of the rape 7 years ago. He consoled me. I just never thought at that time that what he did to me could be rape... I just thought I was having flashbacks. Maybe it was because he was gentle, and unlike the jerk 7 years ago, he didn't leave me afterwards bleeding, telling me I was mental. He still talked to me afterward, he seemed genuinely concerned about me. I don't know. I don't know if I want to cry or be angry. Maybe I just need a few more days to absorb all of this and I will continue to talk to a counsellor. All I know is I am beginning to make connections between this and why I was afraid of making him angry after we got back together, because I was afraid of him physically hurting me. I was a very strong person when we first met; I wasn't afraid to speak my mind. After this incident, he controled everything, even broke up with me and got back together with me, and seeing someone else on the side and I was afraid to confront him.
I feel so frustrated because I still feel broken inside despite all the efforts I am making, trying to move on with my life. Even though he is no longer a part of my life and I don't want him to be, I should be happy, but I have this mess to clean up. I wish a truck can fall on top of him or run him over. I know this is a process but I wish I know when I will feel whole again.