Not together...but WHY?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Not together...but WHY?
3
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 11:30pm

Very recently my boyfriend of 13 months broke up with me. He said that he didn't want a commitment right now, that he wants the single life and the opportunity to go out and make friends and meet girls and date. We are juniors in college...We started dating because I knew he was a genuinely good guy and of course, there was that attraction thing. He's had a hard time adjusting college (he's from out of state) and has never had the real good guy friends here that he's wanted. I sort of filled somewhat of that void (although not all), and all was well, because he was the type of guy that I didn't mind doing anything and everything with. He's the first boyfriend I've had.

Now, you may say, oh ok then- get over it, there's many more where he came from and you're just getting started dating. However...this is not quite the case. My ex and I got along great. We have similar personalities, like a lot of the same things as well. We could talk about anything, really. Now, he's gotten the opportunity to hang with a bunch of guy friends, and he is unsure if I'm "the one" and he wants to have the opportunity to have those friends and be single and "live the college life". I don't think he'll find it to be all that it's cracked up to be. He was there for me in all kinds of times of my life, and stuck by me in the relationship (even the times when I made it more difficult than it had to be). He was comforting and made me feel special all the time. He is the type of guy that bends over backwards for family and friends, and me as well.

It was a very sad, painful breakup where both of us were crying (he NEVER cries), and nothing quite seemed right. He was torn as to what to do, and he called the day after to study together because he couldn't focus on anything (I told him no). I sent him an email (a big no-no, supposedly) telling him to make the right decisions and be happy even if it's not with me. I can't be mad at him for this- I found myself wanting a break (a few months ago, it lasted briefly but nothing came of it because I didn't want to let go) to date other people because I just didn't know- I'm young (20) to be deciding that he is the one, even though I can see myself with him for the rest of my life, and he just feels like he is the one.

He is my best friend and this is so difficult to deal with. He apologized for the timing of our relationship...it wasn't the right time to have the "together forever" deal. I was willing, but not sure it was time, and he obviously didn't see it was time either. Do you think there's a chance of us getting back together, and is it worth it? I really love this guy, and there was nothing wrong with our relationship but the timing. I have the urge to call him because he is my best friend and I long to hear from him, but then he is also my ex, and I'm so confused...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 10:49am

Okay have you heard of the book HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU? I really don't mean to be hurtful, I know you're feeling bad, but you'll never heal from this as long as you're living in a fantasy excuses and sugar coating.

Regardless of all the great things you write about him, how much you have in common, and how wonderful you thought your relationship was, the cold hard truth it comes down to is this:

"my boyfriend.....broke up with me. He said that he didn't want a commitment right now, that he wants the single life and the opportunity to go out and make friends and meet girls and date".

He's into you, but he's not THAT into you. He has doubts, and doubts mean no. He wouldn't be saying that if he wasn't thinking that there's someone better out there for him than you. Maybe there is. Maybe there isn't. And maybe there's a chance that if there's not that you'll get back together. But do you really want to sit around with your life on hold for a maybe? Lets say that there isn't anyone else better for him. How long is it going to take him to figure that out? A month? A year? More? Will you wait that long? Lets say that he finds TheOne, and she isn't you. Then what!? And how long will you wait for the possibility of that happening?

"there was nothing wrong with our relationship but the timing" and "it wasn't the right time to have the "together forever" deal"

Were you asking for that? Was there an ultimatem given? Timing has nothing to do with it. Being ready for a real committment doesn't have a time line, there is no good or bad timing. It's all a matter of mentality. There is no reason to believe that a person can't committ to someone AND still accomplish their life goals. "Timing" is a cop out. An excuse. It sounds good and believable until you disect it. What was wrong with the relationship is he was just not that into you. It's a book title you should read. It'll help you heal and get past this break up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 11:23am

pinkmarlin...


For starters....DON'T make the phone call!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 4:41pm

Throughout college, I dated my high school sweetheart. In a lot of ways, it was like we grew up together. We were each other's support system through the difficult transition from adolescence to adulthood. We were each other's first loves, first everythings. We broke up a number of times in college (including breaking off our engagement), largely because of the enormous tension and pressure placed on the relationship because we were too young, because we hadn't dated enough, because there was a whole wild and free life to be leading and we were practically married.

We eventually did get married, and later divorced, for the very same reasons. He was a wonderful, kind, loving, considerate, exceptional man. You could say it was our misfortune to meet when we were so young, because the timing wasn't right, we both needed to grow and live on our own as adults before being able to "settle down" into a lifelong relationship. On the other hand, I had nearly a decade of a loving relationship with a wonderful man before we parted ways, and I know I have standards and expectations from relationships that are higher than some people's because of that experience.

Being too young to be serious is an entirely valid and very common reason that these relationships end. It would have been better for my ex and I had we allowed the relationship to stay ended back in college, rather than dragging on for a few years after college, because we both chafed under the pressure of "til death do us part" in our early twenties, not ever having been serious about anyone else. I know that what you're going through hurts. It hurts just as much to have a partner who's unfaithful, because he never sowed any wild oats when he was younger and is convinced that the experience of being with other women is necessary to his happiness. It hurts just as much to realize that the things that drew you to your partner when you were both young (and, frankly, pretty hormonal) either don't appeal to you any longer, or outright turn you off. It hurts to realize that you're holding each other back, that you're both sort of infantilized, because neither of you really grows emotionally or in wisdom when you're stagnating in a way of relating that dates back to your teens or early twenties, when you're preventing each other from becoming adults.

To make a relationship work, both partners have to have had enough life experience to know, to a certainty, what they want in a long-term partner, and to be happy that they've found it and ready to settle down. There's no forcing that before the time is right. you can be sad it "didn't work," because it didn't turn into a lifelong commitment, or you can be happy that you have a model of a happy, loving, functional relationship upon which you can base your assessment of future romantic partners.