A note to the broken hearted...
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| Mon, 02-28-2005 - 10:22pm |
First let me say that I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there and I know how gut-wrenching the pain can be. In fact, just 5 months ago I would spend countless hours on this very site pouring over each and every entry searching for something that would let me know I would survive the pain. In writing this tonight I hope I can do that for at least one person. At the very least this will allow me to finally close this chapeter of my life.
I had dated my ex for almost 2 years. I was madly in love with him and thought that we were going to get married and have a loving, wonderful family together (we had even picked out the names for our children). Our lives seemed so perfect – we had just flown home to spend the weekend with his parents and were excited to remodel the condo he had just purchased “for us”. We never fought, we laughed all the time… in short – I had no idea that my life was about to take a drastic turn. In a nutshell, he came home one day and told me he didn’t know if I was the one. I wanted to die. I was absolutely blindsided – I didn’t know where to turn or what to do, and it felt like I had to consciously make myself breathe or I really would die right there on the spot. We went back and forth about this for about 6 weeks (I want you back, no I don’t, I don’t know what I want, I think I want you, I think I might want someone else… etc. etc. etc). I finally told him I couldn’t take it anymore and I told him I didn’t want any contact with him, although I secretly hoped he’d come to his senses and beg me to take him back. I cried for hours on end, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I begged my doctor to prescribe xanex for me, and when she did I drove to the closest pharmacy to fill the prescription hoping that it would help ease the pain. I didn’t like the way it made me feel so after a few days I decided to quit taking it. The point I’m trying to make is that I felt that I had hit the bottom, I was desperately sad and was grasping for anything to help numb the pain.
Weeks went by, and then months, and I slowly started to feel like myself again. I found that I wasn’t crying as often, and when I did it wasn’t lasting nearly as long. I was eating again, and finally sleeping through the night. I even started to date again – the first few dates were terrible – I compared everything they said, the way they looked, the way they talked, to him. I honestly didn’t think I would ever get over him.
Well, I did. And I got the ultimate test of that today. A mutual friend called to let me know that my ex is engaged. Now, I’m not saying that it didn’t hurt me to hear this, and I’ll be honest and say that I did shed a few tears at the news. But once it was said and done I realized that I’m really ok. My ego is bruised but my heart has healed. And to think, I was curled in a ball on the floor sobbing over him just 5 months ago.
If there is any advise I can give it would be to live through your pain. Feel it, live it & don’t try to pretend it isn’t there. I really do think that’s the only way to get through this – you have to greive because this is a real loss. If you feel like crying then cry – and know that there is no shame in that. You will smile again (I promise), and if you open yourself to it you will love again too.
My heart goes out to all of you on this site – I know this is a painful time but you will get through it.
Best,
Michelle

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Yes, just when I thought I was feeling solid and strong, I'd be suddenly crying hysterically.....I do think it comes and goes.
On days when I am at work and very busy and trying my best to be focused, I often do well, but when I leave work it's almost like all that holding it in just comes pouring out.
Hang in there. I was only seeing my boyfriend for 6 months and we've not talked to each other (NC) in almost a month and things are getting a bit easier. I do know, however, that I would never go back with him, so that might be what's making it a bit easier. He had many issues and it was my choice to leave. In essence he never really was *there* if you know what I mean. It was almost an illusion of a relationship, but I did fall for him hard.
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