Is Numb Normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Is Numb Normal?
17
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 2:04pm

Hello Everyone,


It's been over a month for me, and I've hit a strange spot. I feel.... well, I feel numb most of the time. I feel like I have a lot of stored emotion, and I really want to cry, and scream and yell. I can still feel the hurt, though it isn't as extreme as it was, and I want to cry over it. Just as I write things to get emotions out, I'm a fan of crying to get it out too.... but I can't cry.


I feel that I'm on a good track to recovery from all of this. I have not contacted him at all, I think of him, but I'm sure to initiate the thought stopping techniques I've learned here.


I've tried sad songs, sad movies, sad everything, but the tears won't come. I just want one good cry about it!


Is this normal? What do you guys think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: kcolihan
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 2:13pm

Hi kcolihan,


To me, being numb = not feeling. It's a way of shutting down so you don't have to feel pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
In reply to: kcolihan
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 2:21pm

I feel like I've addressed the goodness of what came out of the relationship, and also that he wasn't meant for me, but for some reason, I WANT to mourn right now, but I can't. I still feel sad.... and hurt that he did what he did, but I understand that the end of the relationship was before both of us, and he acted on it.


Where do I go from here? How do

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: kcolihan
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 2:29pm

You can try sitting quietly, finding where your emotions are in your body...and addressing them. If you feel them outside of yourself, above you, beside you or in your head, you may have to mime physically moving them back into your body.


What's the saddess movie you've tried to watch?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
In reply to: kcolihan
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 2:36pm

I've Watched Stepmom, which always gets me crying.


I watched an episode of "Intervention" last night on A&E, and I had some tears, but I didn't feel satisfied. I feel like I need a good 45 minutes of crying and I'll feel better. The emotion is there, but somewhere from my heart to my eyes, its getting stopped up.


This has got to be the oddest feeling I've ever had....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2008
In reply to: kcolihan
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 11:41pm

I think I've been crying because my ex has moved on so quickly to someone else.

He's a people pleaser by far. And I know he's doing nothing but pleasing this woman right now, right as I type. It makes me sick how quickly I was replaced. He sees her every day at work (they work together). My days are endless, especially when it's beautiful outside and I know he's with her in the warm sunshine.

There are numb hours, then I cry like I'm 6 years old, then I get angry and want to tell him off, then I miss him. When I see happy couples holding hands, or men that are attractive, but that I don't ever want to be with because I love him, it continually breaks my heart knowing that he does not feel the same.

I wish our minds weren't poisoned by these people who have hurt us. I wish we could control our thoughts...the movie The Secret says to write down everything negative, crumple it up and throw it out. Doesn't work.
Isn't there a movie with Kate Winslet, and she has her memory erased of a man who broke her heart? But it erases other parts of her life as well...it would be a good rental.

Right now for me, it hurts so much. So much at times I can't breathe. And it's not getting any better.

I think your numbness may be acceptance. When my father passed away I was upset for a while, then I went numb...and I felt as thought I should have been crying, but I couldn't, basically I was all cried out.

You're doing great by not calling him. You have a lot of strength.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: kcolihan
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 2:15am

This is why you're not crying: ....."I think of him, but I'm sure to initiate the thought stopping techniques I've learned here.".....

I think they're working a little too well. For the record, I've not once done the thought-stopping thing. I think those are best saved for when someone has gone months and months and still cannot shake it, not for someone who's just gone through a breakup recently. Right after my breakup, I posted on the board I was on at the time about five sentences basically summing up, "He came over tonight and I was so excited. But instead of us going out to dinner like we planned, he said goodbye." After that I literally crumpled to the floor in a sobbing heap, then picked myself up, took a sleeping pill, and passed out.

The next day I called in sick and painted the shutters on my house, and I thought about him and cried. I cried like a baby curled up in bed for several days afterwards, wouldn't/couldn't talk to anyone except my sister who lives on the other side of the country. I'd cry at my desk, I'm sure Harold in the cube next to me heard my sniffles every time, but he's a gentleman and would never ask. Hell, I cried in the supermarket checkout line, just don't even ask. ;-) I posted on this board like crazy, just getting it all out, and I cried so much. I thought for sure I was going to fry my computer with all the tears. I thought for sure I was going to get called into my supervisor's office and asked all kinds of embarrassing questions. I knew people could see my red, puffy eyes.

And then one day the tears stopped. And it felt good. It felt good because I had gotten them out. I didn't listen to people who told me how to think or that I needed to snap out of it, get over it. He'd been the best thing that had happened in my life and I was sad to lose him. I knew what was best for me.

At some point, you're gonna cry. And when it comes, don't stop the tears.

Hugs,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
In reply to: kcolihan
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 9:53am

When I even THINK that my ex found someone new, I get nauseated, and I stop thinking about it. I don't know that he has, and knowing him as I did, he'll probably stay by himself for a bit to prevent pain, BUT, the thought of him with somoene else is still nauseating, so I know I'm not over this yet. So, I can feel your pain. I think sometimes the fear of the unknown is better than the fear of the known. I remember when another boyfriend of mine whom I suspected to be cheating, I really wanted to know if he was or not.... once I found out (really it just confirmed what I already knew) it was much worse than not knowing. I suppose the truth shall set us free, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.


As far as my not calling, I know it's SOME strength on my end, but he doesn't call me either, so it's really a mutual thing that has helped me to acheive this. Its really funny too, I had gotten my ex and I one of those "Answer all of these Questions" books for Valentine's Day. I made the mistake of reading it one night a few weeks ago, and in the "Breakup" section one of the questions was "What is one of the best things an ex did for you after you broke up?" - and his answer.."Never called me again."... So that's what he wants. As of right now, I still fantasize about him calling me, saying he's sorry, he admits he was wrong, I admit that I was wrong, and we move forward. But I know that's not what I want. I don't want someone who needs time away from me, and when we decide on that time he goes from caring to cruel overnight. I want someone who just gets 'ME', and I won't find that in him. Ever.


This numbness is a killer, it really is. I think Sandra hit the nail on the head when she said that I'm not allowing myself to feel the pain. I "thought stop it" therefore I'm just burying it. It'll probably come out in 4 years in the form of extreme depression if I dont face it now. The thing is, I'm really willing to have a whole day of crying. As unappealing as crying in my bed all day sounds, I feel that I WANT to do that. I'm thinking that maybe if I do the unmentionable...the thing I've dreaded, recalling the past. Remembering the good times, and facing even the sad thoughts.


I just want to CRY! :/

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
In reply to: kcolihan
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 9:59am

Sandra,


I think you're right. It makes a whole lot of sense. Every time

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kcolihan
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 11:11am

Just wanted to point out that an important part of the thought-stopping technique involves taking some time each day to allow yourself to be sad and feel the feelings, but limiting that time so that you're not consumed by it.


I've personally found this especially helpful to

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
In reply to: kcolihan
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 11:24am

I have the exact same problem - always have. I went to a therapist to talk about this break-up and ended up crying the whole time about my marriage that ended four years ago. I worked so hard at "getting over it" that I didn't let myself mourn properly. I thought I had but I didn't.

I agree completely with Sandra. I think thought stopping is good when you start obsessively fantasizing (picturing him with someone else or anything that you don't know to be reality) but you must let yourself feel.

Thing is, some of us are so good at "not feeling" that it's hard to reconnect. We have a hard-wired habit in our brain (for me, I've been doing this at least 30 years), and we have to "re-wire." A common recommendation is to ask yourself, throughout the day - How am I feeling right now? Write it down, or not, but keep asking. Journal every night. Try journaling with your non-dominant hand, sometimes that works. And, when you feel anything, sit for a few minutes and WALLOW in it, stop yourself from trying to avoid the feeling. I've been amazed at how quickly the feeling will pass. And what I've realized is that I have this fear that if I allow myself to feel, the feeling will never go away. By suppressing it, it doesn't!

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